I have changed, don't like new me, and I need to tell my T

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Feeling emotions is now a long-lost thing for me. Over the last six months I have developed into what I can only describe as a psychopath. I feel no emotions. My mom almost died just the other day and I felt nothing during the whole thing.

I somehow was able to be kind of "teary" at most in front of my dad at the hospital, but when alone, I was cold and numb, normal (for me) zero feelings.

I feel one feeling only, and that is anger.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my therapist. Should I tell her all of this?

I ask because I don't feel like I want to be "healed". I am happy the way I am, but I know it's troubling, and should be a concern for me, but it's not.

I know people like me are very scary and not welcome in society, so I am not really sure what I should do.

Sorry for rambling and the mixed ideas, does anyone have a comment or some advice perhaps?

Yes tell your therapist.

You will eventually want to find a counter to the anger. You haven't been this way very long in the grand scheme of things.

Thank you for the reply cavernio!

I have to do something about this I guess. I don't feel like me anymore. I don't know if I've become this new me or what, but it's a little scary.

Problem is, I don't think my T wants to believe it. When I told her I think I am a narcissist, she says no, but I think I have it. I am smart and can manipulate things when I want to. I have the traits.

You say you have developed this state described by you as emotionless over the last six months. What happened six months ago? Maybe the answer is there.

Sometimes other emotions like sadness and feeling rejected turn into anger, when they don't find an outlet. What do you think?

Yes it was definitely that. I have been rejected a lot over about the last five years, and it hurt me very much. All the time though, I could feel I was slowly becoming less and less emotional. I grew harder because it helped me handle the fact that nobody wanted me. If I stayed emotional, it would have broken me knowing that. So, it was like a slow downward trend over about 5 years, but about 6 months ago it felt like I reached the zero point where I now feel nothing.

Used to be psychotic myself. You need some time to let it wear off.
Move somewhere that lets you be able to live in peace if necessary.

For "accelerated" progress you will need to do mental-exercises.
The mental-exercises should consist of mentally "commanding" your emotions.
Replacing all negative/destructive thoughts with creative/peaceful ideas instead.

Once you have a good command over your thoughts you can control your emotions.
Defeating the emotion of anger will be amongst the most important one.
Absolutely never let your anger control you but work to keep it controlled.

This can be done in the form of daily visualisation (athletes also use this technique).
Practicing the mental-exercises every day at least three times a day should suffice.

You might have suffered a psychosis indeed, or you have slipped into a depression.
Tell your therapist what you told us, without trying to diagnose yourself, that is his/her job.

"people like us" are not scary nor unwelcome, we are just misunderstood and therefore avoided, that is a very different situation

It is futile to tell your therapist.

Many sociopaths and psychopaths withhold such information, if just for the sake of avoiding treatment.

In Australia at least, one can legally be sent to a mental asylum for treatment without consent at any possible time by any psychologist/psychiatrist if they see fit.

Sociopaths and such, people who actually offer danger to society, rather than say aspies, who are relatively harmless, may be given treatment far more quickly and aggressively against their will.

What will telling your therapist do aside from get you diagnosed with various pills to choke down that have about a thousand negative side-effects each?

I was on blasted Risperidone, the terrible anti-psychotic that nullifies the brain.

I'd rather be slightly crazy and unstable than a slow, sluggish, empty beast.

I completely agree with Ban-dodger - leave this up to yourself.

I personally like to experiment with supplements and over-the-counter medications to find the right combos to make me feel better.

You could also eat a healthy diet, exercise, meditate and drink tea more.

Many sociopaths I meet speak of the ability to shut their emotions on and off like the flick of a switch.

Just learn to turn your emotions on, to feel empathy when needed, etc.

Or just put on a superficial charm and fake-it-till-you-make-it.

I personally relate in that while not a psychopath, I have in recent times become a very un-empathetic, cynical misanthrope who has very strong politically incorrect views that would make people uncomfortable.

For instance, I don't believe murder is right or wrong. Completely neutral...Same with Hitler being 'evil'. Again...completely neutral...

Makes sense.

You kind of get accustomed to an abnormal situation, which then slowly becomes your new default state. And by nature a default state doesn't cause an emotional reaction, so it's no wonder you have become numb to constant rejection.

I feel the same, but I also sense that my life has in a way made me more emphatic. In solitude you may have more freedom to truly explore and experience your inner depths. The deeper you dig, the more you want to leave all games for losers.

I sometimes feel that the biggest human catastrophe isn't a nuclear war, but our inability to dig into our own depths and to stay true to what we have found. Et lux in tenebris lucet.

Thanks for all the responses guys! I've got to agree with what you guys have said. I can definitely relate to the politically incorrect views, the mixed or neutral feelings about "bad" and "evil" deeds (not that I would ever condone such things, but I just don't get where these "normal" people get off being so judgmental).

Went to my T, explained what was going on, but avoided at all cost the use of leading words such as "psychopath" or "narcissist". She agrees that it is concerning, and she worries that one day I may end up old and alone. I told her I don't give a ... I don't like people anymore, well, "normal", "well-adjusted" people anyway.

I read all these articles on the web about Adolf Hitler, etc. and I can't help but think it was childhood shunning/rejection and humiliation that made these individuals into what they became.

You get to a point where you believe yourself over everything else because you are constantly proved right. I know I tried with people and they just can't do it, can they? They can only see me as unlovable.

But, I'm not going to give "them" the satisfaction of stuffing me in an asylum somewhere. That was all the previous psychopaths' shortcomings - they seized power too readily and allowed it to corrupt them and thus end themselves too.

I simply wish to humiliate "normal" people one day. Make fools of them. Show them how stupid it is to laugh at someone like me. And I want to be untouchable, unreachable, and unattainable. I want them all to feel what they made me feel.

And, to top it, I want them to need me, without me needing them, just like they force me now to interact with them to get things I need, but telling me they don't need what I offer.

So, had some time to think over the past week, put things into perspective.

I've always been someone who expected the best from myself. Not in all areas of my life I admit, but in most. I am a perfectionist when I do something, and I always feel if I'm going to do something, I'm not only going to do just what is expected, but if I can exceed those expectations, I will. I make or do something in the best way it can be done, even if not always asked.

I guess this expectation cannot simply be carried over to others. I think the problem is I expected too much from them, because I always expected it from myself.

I had to accept my strange attributes, because I have to live with them, I can't simply get away from them when I feel like it. I learned to look past them and still have high expectations of myself despite them.

I suppose others just don't see it that way. To them, my strange qualities are just too much. I may not have asked for those qualities, but it is what it is.

It was a mistake on my part to ask them to look past my characteristics too I conclude. If I could change those characteristics I would, but alas, I don't think it can happen since they are imprinted in my being.

I try to stay out of their way, but it's difficult. Where do I go to stay away from them as they wish? I have to do my work, I have to be in my working environment to do what I need to do in my life. I'm sorry I'm there, but what can I do? If I could be invisible at the flick of a switch, I would've did it for sure.

I do everything I can, I've given up feeling emotions, connecting with people. I know they want nothing to do with me so I try my best so that they don't interact with me by mistake. I got rid of my emotions because it might cause interaction, which is not allowed.

I know if I go back to feeling feelings, it won't be long before I trespass on someone's life again (I don't mean that in an illegal sense, I mean just talking even).