Enough is enough.

Post Reply New Topic

I had my first full-blown meltdown in years earlier today. In the process, I destroyed my only phone by throwing it against a wall. I am tired of living life in isolation, with only the Internet, Mary Jane and video games as my companions.

I spend so much time looking for external validation that I do not bother trying to validate myself as a human being.

I have to put my foot down. The way I have been living is unhealthy. It is slowly killing me. Sure, I work out at the YMCA and I go to work, so I am somewhat functional..... But I feel ridiculously lonely most of the time. I feel incomplete as a human being on my own merits. I feel like there are pieces of myself that are perpetually missing.

And I feel like I need a pat on the head, or an acknowledgement from somebody else that yes, indeed, I feel deep spiritual pain, at any given moment of the day.

That is no way to live.

That is not how I want to keep living.

I have not been a friend to myself.

How do I want to live?

That is a damn good question.

I want to be productive on the job. I want to be emotionally stable. I want a secure life with a decent social circle. But, most of all, I want to feel alright with myself. I want to be content with who I am and what I have to deal with. I want to be kind enough to myself to validate who I am and what I live with, and I want to be content without the nonstop digging for external validation.

Yeah, I have a lot of issues.

The only thing I really know for sure is that I have to put my foot down right this second. Enough is enough.

I can relate. I have been there.

It's not easy, but you can get there too.

Good Luck

Thanks.

Apparently, I am one mistake away from unemployment. I have to fix myself now. This is the make or break moment in my life.

You can do it, Sir!

I broke my phone that way too. Not cheap to replace.

Listen man I totally understand where you are coming from with the enough is enough thing. I've recently had a very hard awakening along very similar lines. Am in the process of actually. Sometimes you have to be hard on yourself, have to start kicking your own ass a little and enough of the sorrow/hopelessness BS. I wish you so much luck in doing it man. I've seen you around struggling alot and seemingly very erratic with things. I hope you can really have that foot down moment and it has staying power for you. Good work so far though man. Just follow through...

I am at the office currently, trying to fight off a complete sensory meltdown, there is an art class going on, lots of people talking, lots of people walking all around my desk, lots of people asking me for small favors, I cannot concentrate on what needs to get done, and if I do not get what needs to get done finished today, I can kiss my job goodbye.

I am officially f****d.

I will lose my job, my apartment, my independence, everything I have worked for, I will lose.

I am trapped here, in a room with all of these people who are obstructing my progress.

f*****g hell.

By this time you are probably through the end of the day and hopefully its not as bad as was expected? Whatever happened, you clearly need to get a handle on the issues you are facing. Putting your foot down and saying you are going to actively address the troubles is positive. The next step is to be clear with yourself concerning what that means? If you aren't clear on what it means, you can slip unwittingly into a state of "I am not going to be who I am" which is a denial rather than dealing with the issues. Dealing with the issues is almost certainly going to require help from others; going it alone is a very risk proposition because you are reliant on your own understanding, leading to mistakes or failed tactics.

So to summarize, get help from others, don't see this as weakness but rather as a reinforcement of your personal commitment to addressing the challenges you face.

I'm there every day.
Except, I'm a few chapters ahead of you. Where I already walked out of the job screaming, cancelled a lease, somehow miraculously wasn't charged for the rest of it, and fled the whole city.

Find some place where it is safe to scream and break things, so you don't resort to breaking people. I honestly don't know why I'm not on a prison bus right now.