On limitations, frustrations, and self loathing.

Post Reply New Topic

Hi, I'm fairly new to this forum, and I hate that my first thread is going to be about something so negative and personal... I'll try not to ramble on too much, but I'm not used to sharing private things. And there's just so, so much in my head and I need to get it out, and I need to have it heard by someone who won't just tell me I need to 'try harder.' Because it's all in my head and I'm making excuses or pitying myself or whatever.

Lately I am... not okay. I say I am but I think I'm lying.

Maybe I should start at the beginning. Up until I was thirty years old, I had no idea I might be autistic. Though I always I knew something was 'wrong' with me. It was just a reality I lived with and tried to overcome by trying harder, faking it better, lying to people (especially myself). By hiding all those embarrassing things that were in my head or that I did while alone, while trying to convince myself everyone else did it too - they just didn't talk about it. I was just... shy. awkward. lazy. unmotivated. weak. selfish. a bad person. I needed to try even harder, work harder, grow the hell up, worry less, fit in, be friendlier, chill the f* out.

But I burned out during college, when I couldn't find the motivation to even go to class. I burned out again five years after I graduated, lost my job, and barely left my apartment for two months. My parents rescued me, brought me home, and helped me get out of the debt I'd amassed in attempting to live on my own. Not without berating me for being such a hopeless loser, of course. I mean, I'm really smart, right? Why can't I get it together?

So I got it together. I told people I was okay. I was lying then too.

If you saw me at thirty you would have believed me. I was living with my boyfriend of three years and his daughter. I had a decent job where I worked full time in a supervisory position. I had an apartment. My bills were (mostly) paid, if sometimes late. I was well dressed, well groomed, eating healthy.

Except when I came home from work I had zero energy left, and would retreat to our bedroom to 'lie down and read' or immerse myself in video games. My boyfriend and I constantly fought because I was withdrawn, unaffectionate, uninterested, and uninvolved. I felt depressed and hopeless. I hated myself. I revisited the old question 'what is wrong with me?' and after hours of research on various psychological ailments I found one that fit. I took the tests and scored high on all of them. I read blog posts by women with Asperger's and wept, thinking "I could've written this." I didn't have health insurance at the time, so I couldn't get tested or seek out therapy, but finally having a possible answer was... amazing. And disheartening. I'm this way and it's not my fault. Great. But I'm this way and it's hard-wired, and I can learn to cope better and hopefully live better, yes, but I will always be this way.

Fast forward two years. I stepped down from my lead position at work and went down to part time, which has majorly reduced my stress. I started making lists to help me remember the various tasks I have to complete. I joined this forum and started reading more on autism to understand myself. A couple months ago I moved us into a nicer apartment. I finally went to the doctor (after five years of not), and spoke up about an old issue doctors in the past have brushed aside. Turned out I was right all along. So now I'm having surgery. Great. And I have all these appointments - pre-ops, post-ops, exams. And I'm keeping track and going to all of them. I finally went to a dentist after seven years. Got caught up on old debts. I'm spending more time with my step-daughter, and trying to be more involved in her life. I'm contributing more toward housework (with the help of yet more lists, of course).

And today, instead of making more excuses about why I should put it off, I finally made an appointment with a therapist. I'm going to insist I get tested for autism so I can put the matter to rest - because I still have those moments where I think, maybe it isn't autism, maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm fine and just suck at a lot of things and just need to try harder. If that's the case, at least I'll know, and I can get help regardless.

I'm also communicating better with my boyfriend - being more open, hiding less, telling him what I need instead of bottling it up. And I've been telling him a lot, because while I'm really proud of everything I'm doing I'm also overwhelmed. And frustrated because I keep making mistakes.

I made one of those mistakes today and he blew up. We fought, and he yelled, and I had a complete meltdown. Not just one of the 'minor ones' where I excuse myself to cry and maybe rock a bit and I'm fine after some quiet time. But one where I totally lost control, and screamed, and shoved him, and pulled my own hair, and even now I feel like I'm in a fog and I don't know what else to do so I just keep typing because I kind of want to hurt myself and that scares me.

He told me I needed to do more. That what I'm doing isn't really 'that much more' than I was doing before, and that I'm 'not that bad' (I know, many people on the spectrum have it a lot worse, so in that sense I'm not) and that I'm being really selfish by expecting everyone to pick up my slack. And I feel like he's right. I hate that I'm so helpless, and I want so badly to do more, but when I look at the scope of everything that's expected of me - things normal people do with ease - it just seems like so much and I hate myself for that. And I hate that my boyfriend, pretty much the only person I have in my life right now, has to do more so I can do less. And I hate that he feels like I don't appreciate him because I do, and I tell him, but it's not enough but I don't know what else he wants from me. But I also feel angry, because I hear the same crap from him I've been hearing from everyone else.

Do more. Try harder. There's nothing wrong with you, so stop making excuses. If I can do this much, why can't you even do that much? And for God's sake stop being so dramatic.

During my meltdown earlier: "Don't do this right now. I have to leave for work soon. You can't do this to me right now."

If I could control it I would. If I could control any of this I would. At what point am I trying enough? When I start being 'normal'? What will that take? How much more of myself will I lose?

I"m really sorry this is so long. If you took the time to read it all, thank you. Truly. I'd ask for advice, but I'm not really sure what it is exactly I'm looking for advice on. Or if I could even follow it. I feel like I'm kind of at my limit right now.

Although I can't relate completely, I am a self loather myself. I have had scary meltdowns and am still recovering from a recent one. I am sorry things have been so hard and I hope things will get better.

Thank you. I am feeling a bit better, especially since my boyfriend and I had a good long talk the next day. He still doesn't understand, really, the 'essence of the problem' I'm having, so to speak, but he's agreed to keep trying. And I agreed to keep trying to improve myself and be more productive. Just taking things one day at a time, for now My first appointment with my therapist is a week from today, and although I'm incredibly nervous, hopefully she'll help me continue to work through this.

One thing that could help is accepting that others like your boyfriend and your therapist are not going to fully understand you, since they are not in your mind and can only see your behaviors and what you tell them, which may be interpreted into something different in their own minds through no fault of themselves. But this is ok, as it happens to differing degress between everyone, everyone's mind ultimately is their private world that no one else can fully understand or understand to the more limited extent that they wish others to understand. Once this is accepted, I find it easier to deal with people, easier for me to accept them and them to accept me, without taking too much effort to get others to understand me, realizing that most of what they see is driven by my behavior instead of my thoughts.

I understand completely.
Yes, you have a wonderful gift called autism. Your boyfriend doesn't seem like he's ready to be with a person as gifted as you are.
One of the reasons you are frustrated is not because you NEED the advice, but rather because you have so much to give, and people keep trying to invalidate that.
Your deep need to help others is going to blossom majorly in the next few years, especially if you allow it to, and keep coming to websites like this.
In essence, welcome home. You were right all along, and the people around you are simply unprepared.
Has your boyfriend been reading about autism? I can't honestly believe he has, because your descriptions are showing me he doesn't understand.
He's doing things that, if he said them to me, I would want to scream at him.
It's like purposefully selecting a person in a wheelchair to hang out with, and then telling them to stand up and quit the attention-seeking. It hurts a whole, whole lot.
Test my hypothesis. Show him this email, and if he gets angry, then I'm right. And so are you.
In fact, you are a genius. The sheer amount of work you put into typing this, and then have to apologize for that? Screw anyone who extracts an apology out of you ever again. (Or don't screw.) haha.
I however, will apologize now for my blatant honesty. But I wasn't gonna cushion this and sugar-coat it the way the normies do.
I've been called slang terms my whole life, so I decided to make up some slang terms for them. Here they are:

Daywalker.
Normie
Socie
Smiler
SUNFACE - my favorite.
If you can think of any, please PM them to me. (Also, I have trouble finding if I got any responses on this website, because my brain doesn't do forums very well. I honestly wish this were a chatroom instead of a forum.)

I would say "have a nice day," except that phrase makes me angry, so it might anger you as well.

Great posts all around. I can relate a lot to the OP and to your post, John Tyner. Thank you! It is a horrible feeling when others tell you to do more and you're trying so hard already. I feel much of my life has been people telling me to "apply" myself, since I have a good IQ, and they think any signs of intelligence invalidate struggle. How I've wished they could apply themselves to being more understanding and listening to me, instead of insisting that I'm feeling ______ or thinking _______, and never taking me at my word. Though we're accused of black and white thinking (and I'm guilty at times, sure), it also feels like your strengths don't count unless you're 100% "normal." How can you ever get ahead when all others see is deficits, measuring them against what successes you have, and never understanding that situational conditions are so important in fostering that success (i.e. having time to stim, work on hobbies, transition from work, stay within social limits, etc., will lead to better capability of taking care of responsibilities).

I agree with John Tyner that your boyfriend doesn't sound very understanding, MadFialka. However, I do wish you the best in either working things out with him or ending the relationship, if it comes to that. I hope you can navigate whatever path is most desirable and beneficial to you and your current struggles. The understanding folks, ND or NT, are hard to find. I think I've finally found one who really sees my strengths and considers me very intelligent, rather than faulty or "wrong." But, that's after years of difficulties, of course, and would not be possible without a great site like this, full of helpful folks. Perhaps if he came here and saw people's stories, it would help. Either way, good luck!

Thank you all so much for your responses btbnnyr, johntyner, and HighLlama. I've actually been avoiding this thread because I was a bit embarrassed by it, but your words have made me feel a lot better. I'm actually crying a bit right now!

btbnyrr:

I do agree the core problem here is lack of understanding. And perhaps there is a point where I have to accept that just because I've finally begun to understand myself, doesn't mean others will. Especially those who read between the lines and base on assumption, because that's what they know to do. There's a reason the 'wrong planet' analogy is so apt - sometimes it does feel like I got dropped on the wrong one, and had to write the handbook myself.

If only I could be as good at expressing myself verbally as I am in writing! Particularly when people always seem to get hung up on the things that don't come out right, even after I've corrected myself... And I'm not expecting miracles from my therapist either - I just hope she can help keep me on the right track, and give me some insight. And I need someone to talk to other than my boyfriend - as I have no friends and my family's out of the loop, he's all I have right now (other than this forum!) and that's not really good for either of us.

But you're right in that people judge by behaviors too - and so much of my behavior is putting on a show, because that's how I coped all these years. It's not necessarily their fault they think I'm okay, even when I say otherwise.

johntyner:

Don't worry about not sugar-coating your response. I appreciate your honesty. I'm not so sure about my autism being a gift, but I hope to feel that way someday. I know the positives are there, and on my better days I can even appreciate them, but its difficult when the negatives can be so disabling. And it's hard to stop apologizing for myself - I've been doing that for so long! When I'm not at my best, I feel like I'm a burden, but my best takes so much out of me I must be doing that wrong too. So I feel like I'm burdening others with a forum post all about my struggles, even if I know that's what the Haven's for, and people can choose not to read it.

But I'm also starting to feel angry. Angry at my boyfriend, for not hearing me. At my parents, for always berating me for everything I did wrong, while refusing to entertain the possibility it might not be my fault. At every goddamn person who made me feel like fitting in and making friends and not being weird or difficult was so important - more important than all those things I was actually really good at, that could've maybe made me happy where people rarely have. Angry at society for all the emphasis on smiling and white lies and faking it. Because I fell into the trap of trying to (unsuccessfully) learn crap I'm actually fundamentally against, and wasted so much energy doing it. I'll stop there before this turns into a rant. Or rather, a bigger one. Maybe it's good to be angry at those things, rather than just myself.

And you're right, my boyfriend doesn't understand, and to expand on my response to btbnyrr above, he likely never will and maybe that's alright. Not to say he doesn't have work to do. He's done some research but absolutely should do more. Especially as I suspect a lot of what he read was from the perspective of NT's in relationships with people on the spectrum. Not that that isn't valuable, but he needs to understand it more from my side. I don't intend to show him this thread, because this forum is my safe place and I'm not willing to give that up, even for him. But I've told him how I feel. I only have so much control over what he does with that. And that's frustrating. He's great, 90% of the time. It's that other 10%, like that night I wrote my original post, when he's not. And it does hurt. So much.

HighLlama:

Exactly. I can't count the number of times I was accused of being stubborn or rigid, by people who stubbornly refused to see beyond their own narrow view of what is 'right' or 'normal.' Who refused to listen when I told them I feel a certain way, or that I'm struggling because of this or that. And yet we're accused of lacking empathy. And now I'm being called selfish for needing all those things, like what you mentioned. I've always needed them. I just never got them. The result? I'm not happy. I'm not successful. I don't even like myself all that much. I want to scream: "Your way didn't work, world! So now what!?" My intelligence just made those expectations I couldn't reach higher, and my failings more incomprehensible to others. And as inspiring it is to read about autistic people who've accomplished great things, it's also a little disheartening, because I haven't.

I have considered ending my relationship, and I know my boyfriend has as well. The thing is, when we met, when we were friends, when we started dating - during those two years I was "not autistic." In quotes, obviously, because I was. But I was on my best behavior at the time, and I was actually doing okay, and like many women on the milder end of the spectrum, I got pretty good at 'being normal' (a bit quirky/awkward/weird, but when you're female and pretty you can get away with that sort of thing and have it be 'cute'). When we moved in together, I naively believed it would be an opportunity for me to 'be normal' all the time. As you can imagine, it didn't go well. I was okay for a few months, and then I fell apart. Hard. And I couldn't put myself back together.

My boyfriend and I almost broke up. He accused me, not unfairly, of not being the person he moved in with. And then I realized I might be autistic, and I realized how much I was still hiding from him... in short, I literally am a different person than the one he got into a relationship with. An autistic person with needs he couldn't have anticipated. It was a rough time. But we got through it. I gave him an out, and he refused to take it. He now tells me he loves this 'real' me much more than the one he thought he was getting. He's even agreed to work more so I can work less. I'm not sharing all this to excuse him. When his word hurt, they hurt. When his ignorance shows, it means he needs to do more to understand. But, we're in this together. And just as he refused to give up on me, I won't give up on him. Not yet!

Thank you for your detailed response. You will find some very like-minded people on here, and you'll quickly see that most of us crave information. Myself especially, and I've spent most of my life learning how to shorten my responses as much as possible - until I came here. Now I'm finally able to give the whole story, all the details, without holding back. I can see you might have that in common with me, which is such a breath of fresh air.

I do still hold back, of course. In fact, I just deleted two paragraphs from this post because I went on a tangent. I can totally relate with feeling embarrassed, and avoiding threads that you post. I do the same, until I see how understanding the responses are. I've really only seen one hater posting on here, and he's probably in line for the ban hammer. These admins are really on top of things when it comes to getting rid of nay-sayers. If anyone on here ever does make you feel invalidated in any way, call attention to it. Even report it, if such things continue. I think this is precisely why the forums here remain so clean and positive.

I'm honored that our words could make you cry. (I assume in a good way?) I cry in a good way pretty often - something the normies don't seem to have in common. I really hope you and your boyfriend come to more understanding. I look forward to hearing more from you. I'm actually a pretty lonely guy, and spend most of my time sitting at this computer checking forums and email. This is especially the case ever since job applications starting being an online thing. The sheer amount of time it takes sitting at a computer looking for jobs is almost heartbreaking, so this website provides immeasurable relief for that, as I hope it will for you.

If it's any relief, I had an almost identical fight with my husband recently. I say fight...it mostly consists of me not saying much, because I really am ashamed about contributing so little. Right now I should be writing a job application, but I seem to have forgotten how.... I sat down to write a list of the reasons I want a job, so I don't forget, but I still can't seem to find the words to convince someone else.

The nice thing on WP is that there are people who feel the same. The bad thing is that they don't always have solutions. Like you, I am starting to see a therapist, so perhaps that'll help.

At some point, the partners will have to start seeing things from our part of view, though, or the relationships will fall apart. I've finally managed to get my husband talking to me about working strategically on problems. He's cottoned on to the need for a routine, which is great.

Lots of common points with you OP. Same trying while in a relationship, same burnouts, ruining myself physically and emotionally to fit in better. How many times have I heard that. And felt guilty about it. Until the day I didn't.
The levels of communication were very different, as were physical perceptions and needs, skills and expressions of them. I think that different level of communication is something that totally can be evoked, and in particular with people close to one. Before understanding there is acknowledgement, and respect, above all, respect. Differences and difficulties they create in a world where others fit in because that's how they naturally are shouldn't allow disrespect, even less shaming or worse. Talking is fine, but things have to be clearly registered. And I don't think.it's possible when one feels inferior and not an equal.

MadFialka, I just wanted to recommend this documentary - maybe you could watch it with your boyfriend to give him a little insight.

"Through Our Eyes: Living with Asperger's"