Realising Things. Immense Pressure. Exhausted.

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Feeling very lost at the moment. Long story short I am going through this phase where I am almost waking up for the first time at 27 to the various ways in which I have been treated badly. Basically I'm the scapegoat of the family, my mother was jealous of all the freedom she felt that I had (according to her) and tried to ruin it on me. And I'm slightly devastated to admit that she did in fact succeed more often than not. She put a lot of her problems on me and I was powerless to defend because I had no idea wtf was going on. I was dealing with un diagnosed (at the time) ASD along with depression, anxiety, disordered eating habits, suicidal thoughts and a bunch of things that got dismissed as a bad attitude. My family turned a blind eye most of the time even though they could barely stand to be around her for long. It was easier. She also had a habit of pushing my buttons when they were around so she could play the victim card more easily.

Looking back I had no plan, no path, no ambition, I was just trying to get through each day the best I could. There was no room in my head for my own life. I was just surviving.

I internalised all of this. I downright despised myself for years. For being useless, a curse on my family. For being a hell child. God I hated the most insignificant things about myself and would fixate on them, staring at myself for hours thinking how hideous and deformed I was.

All these f*****g people just pushing me around and me too broken to stop them. Now that I can stand up for myself I'm left with a world of just anger and frustration for the fact that this is my life. I'm so proud of how far I have come, I have come this far because I finally found a good support in my life and because I wanted to. I have put real work into improving and learning and becoming happy. Put work into my own life. Which shows that I'm not the awful person I was made out to be but god I'm so annoyed I let others tear me down for so long.

I've been like a clothes peg in a washing machine being span around and around and around by different people getting slightly more dented and broken with every spin.

Everything is a mess right now. My head and heart hurts so much.The next step is moving forwards towards a decent life but we (relationship) are teetering precariously right now, one wrong move and the hole we have dug ourselves into just gets deeper. We aren't bad people but under some serious pressure we made some bad choices (yay hindsight in its crystal clear and unmerciful glory) and now we are a bit meh. With a plan mind you but if the plan doesn't come together then I don't know anymore.

More upward hill climbing I suppose. Kinda sucks when you've been drop kicked to the bottom of the hill by people who then blame you for being there.

I'm not sure what the point of this rant is.

I'm so stressed I feel like I'm either going to puke or break down crying.

Or just never sleep ever again.

I can't cope with these feelings I don't understand.

<<hugs>> When I feel that way, I let myself just pause. No planning, no big decisions, and little social interaction. It's okay to keep it moment to moment for a breather.

People just suck sometimes, and your response was normal for growing up in a sh#tty environment.

Hope you feel better.

I also send along a hug. I know how overwhelming it all must be, and I wish I had some awesomely great advice to give, but the only thing I can say is, take everything one small step at a time, one day at a time. Start with the smaller stuff first, then work your way up. I would suggest therapy, for coping stratedgies, but therapy is not for everyone, and some people are not comfortable with strangers. So, the first two are my best suggestions. I am glad though, that you have found a light at the end of your dark tunnel to run to. Hugs. Good for you. Don't give up, and never let anyone beat you down or hold you back, ever again, once you are able to finally break free. I have been there my friend, and it's tough, but worth it.

I was also going to suggest therapy, if you're not already doing that. You seem to be motivated to change, and yet continue to get bogged down with some past ruts that you still find yourself in sometimes.

Good luck. You deserve to be happy.