it hurts to exist

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Every single day of my life I feel like I'm just distracting myself from the pain of my existence, physical and mental trauma have left me a suffering mess. I have too much anxiety and not enough "people skills" to work with the public, not enough strength and too many physical ailments to support myself through labor and my tremors prevent me from holding down a skill-based profession. I am stuck living off of government hand-outs which deeply hurts my pride and living in public housing. I contribute less than nothing to society and have no reason, nay, no right to exist. All the while enduring tremendous physical pain from a plethora of ailments.

The only reason I haven't taken my own life is that I feel my mother is guilting me not to, I have told her how I feel but her only words are about how much it would hurt her! She doesn't even make an attempt to relieve my suffering, offer suggestions nor kind words of support but instead, invokes the potential suffering such an act would induce in her! Is that love? Forcing someone to continue a painful and meaningless existence so that they, in turn may avoid the very pain I experience daily? I argue that it is sadism of the utmost degree and I cannot predict how much longer her spell will hold power over me.

I wish I could say I'll be back to read your solutions or encouragements but I know myself all too well...and I will probably never return to this thread out of shame or (more likely) forgetfulness but I promise that I will make every possible effort and make use of every technological means known to me to prevent such an occurrence.

Thank you for your time, dear reader and even though I am not a spiritual man I ask of those who are to please pray for me.

You have the right to exist because you harm no one.

Do you have any particular Special Interest?

I don't think your mom wants to be sadistic. She just wants to keep you with her cause she loves you. Have you tried any pills to help with your depression? If those don't work maybe you should try ECT, otherwise known as shock therapy. That was the only thing that helped with my depression. It's a lot less barbaric than it used to be, and it might be able to help you like it helped me.

After doing some more research you should only try ECT as a last resort. First off, make sure that they give you anesthesia because some countries do ECT without anesthesia and then you have a seizure and your body thrashes around and you can break some bones. It has saved people's lives, including mine, but it has also caused severe memory problems and other problems with some people. I met a person who couldn't remember anything of her childhood after having it. However if you are severely depressed and you feel like killing yourself and medicine and therapy and everything else has failed then you might want to consider it. Just talk to a doctor about it and its potential side effects and if you should try it.

OP, your post reads so much like my own life and we are nearly the same age. I too feel I contribute nothing to society. I too have debilitating pain and physical ailments on top of my Asperger's. I feel like life is a living hell. I feel guilted by my family to stay alive. What has kept me going is my obsessiveness to overcome my problems but when I completely run out of options and if I can't ease my suffering I will likely end my own life so I completely empathize with what you are going through (((Hugs))).

I know this isn't what most people would write but I think having someone understand and tell you that you would be missed by many who care about you if you did choose to go (including your mom) and hope you would continue to keep fighting, but at the same time understand respecting if that's the choice you make because I can truly understand what it is like to have a "painful existence" and the desire to end your suffering.

In terms of advice, have you considered trying medical marijuanna for your various ailments, or at least to reduce some of the suffering you go through? It is an option I am currently pursing for myself for my own problems. I see you are in Nevada which has medical marijuanna so maybe that's an option to try if you haven't yet.