I feel like I don't exist at all

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It has been like this for quite a while. I am 18 years old, male, still going to school, 1 year left. I plan on going to university to study Physics or Mathematics then. Right now, life feels numb and lifeless. I feel like I see myself from the outside. I don't feel like I am myself, I don't know if I ever was. I am just disconnected. I haven't really felt joy since a long time. I usually just fake it. The only emotions I feel are really just anxiety, fear and sometimes just nothing. The only way to feel any other emotions is through music, which can evoke very strong feelings in me. I constantly listen to music, sometimes I don't do anything else, just listening to music and sitting there.

I don't have any friends. My one and only 'friend' moved away to study, but even he wasn't my friend. I don't know why he allowed me to be with him, maybe he felt sorry for me, but it was always the same. I sat there while he was playing games. Sometimes he let me play. When I am bored and I am with people who I feel I can trust, I act really stupid and childish. I don't think that's a bad thing if it's not too much, but I'm like completely out of control then. As if something inside me is going on rampage. This also leads to me acting ret*d in front of other people, making myself the center of attention. It sometimes works. I can't really stop doing that, it's become a habit. Maybe I feel like I can't be accepted if I don't do that. I'm bad in group situations. I can be very serious and deep too, mainly when I'm alone with another person who is somehow 'compatible'. Especially in group situations I either feel like I am ten steps ahead of the conversation or I don't understand at all. If I want to say something I have difficulty doing so, I probably don't get the cues that would tell me when I can speak and if what I said has been acknowledged, so I keep repeating the same thing which sometimes annoys people or they would just ignore me. Me acting childish and my sort of young and rather 'cute' look, if you could say that, probably protect me from bullying. I was bullied at my old school, but now that I changed school people are very nice. On the other hand my role has lead people to not take me seriously quite often. I have this 'special' role, which has its advantages and disadvantages. But this is just in school. Outside of school I don't have any friends. I mostly hang out on the internet. I sometimes watch anime, not as frequently as back then (because it doesn't feel as exciting as back then, like everything else) and read random articles that I come across browsing. I sleep a lot. My family isn't very friendly, although nowadays they mostly leave me alone. So I often don't eat at all and sleep till 5 pm and go to bed at 5 am. Recently I've skipped one or another day of school because of this, even though I was once very disciplined when it comes to this. I feel like I am just wasting my time.

School is boring for me most of the time. I have trouble paying attention, but my grades didn't suffer all too much until now, I am actually among the top students. Especially in subjects like math and chemistry I often feel that things are incomplete. I have a very strong intuition for breaking things apart into their basic components. That often lead me to ask questions that are not within the scope of what we should learn. But if I don't know the answer I get headaches because I feel like I didn't understand or that something is incomplete. Most of the time my teachers either don't understand the questions or they purposefully answer them as if it was a different question. Recently I was yelled at by someone attending the same class because he was annoyed by my questions. I shyed aways from asking anyway, now I've just completely stopped. School was always kind of frustrating. Sometimes I didn't seem to get the simplest things, it only really 'clicked' when I explained it to myself.

My problem is, I just don't see any reason to go on living. That doesn't mean I want to kill myself, even though I imagined killing myself a couple of times, but I am stable enough to not actually do it. No matter what I do, I sorta get bored of it. I started sword fighting and other martial arts, but lately I've been skipping it a lot. People there are mostly older than me and even if they weren't, I just feel like there isn't anyone similar enough to me. I am a very sensitive person so I think a lot about the smallest things, which makes it hard to approach other people. I've stayed overnight at a friends house. We've watched an anime, but we haven't talked much. He's an okay guy, but I want a person who I can truly be friends with. Then there's another guy who is also very nice, he seems like he is on the spectrum or at least not neurotypical. However I feel that he is not 'fun' or 'childish' enough. I somehow need someone who is as childish and weird as me, but I had no luck finding someone. People who are of the 'fun' type are often neurotypicals who are socially very adept and they're not the kind of fun that I mean, plus they're group people anyway. It's hard to describe, maybe you could say that I just feel like I am too different from other people, as if I were inbetween the spectrum and the neurotypical lines and on top of that my own way of being different.

Overall I feel like life is too serious. Everything is set in stone way too much. I don't feel free in this society, I don't feel like I can be myself. I've often dreamt about being with a secret group of people with whom I can work to reach a mutual goal, completely split off from society. I know, pretty childish, right? I do have psychological support from a therapist and another psychologist, but I feel like it's leading to nothing. It's just some talking here and there, but sometimes I just feel like I can do nothing at all. I fear getting older, because even though I am pretty young I strongly feel that if I don't change something now things would never change in a way that makes me happy.

What I want most actually is a girlfriend . This is probably not surprising, I thought it's kinda funny that 'Love and Dating' have the highest amount of total posts in the 'Coping with Life'-section. If I could choose, she would probably be childish and weird and someone who would get me out of my comfort zone, but still understanding and someone who I could talk and connect to on a deeper level. However, I already have trouble finding 'normal' friends. To meet girls I would have to get out, I suppose. But I don't feel comfortable around most people. Everyone is just too rough for me to handle. I try my best to fit in and often accept to do things which I actually don't want to do. Soon it gets too much for me and I pull back. I feel like I understand people's feelings very well and deeply, even though I am supposedly an Aspie, but I seem to have trouble reading them in the first place, especially social cues.

The room I live in is complete chaos and motivating myself to tidy it up has been a goal for a couple of month. This is in a way also how I feel about life, except for that my room has a purpose and my life doesn't always seem to have one...

I'd be very happy if anyone could tell about their experiences or if anyone has advice for me. In a way this is a last resort for me.

Wow, I relate to so much of what you wrote, even though I'm a good deal older than you (almost 10 years). My main emotion is still fear, despite being on anti-anxiety medication for many years. I feel like something broke the "reward" center in my brain, because I don't find joy in the things I used to enjoy, and I have a hard time feeling passionate about anything new. I miss the concept of "fun." One thing I can suggest that has helped me (though I have a really hard time sticking to it) is joining a real life group of some kind (Try Meetup.com?), because just practicing interaction makes me feel more successful and gives me something more in common with other people, and less dissociated.

@orangegoldgreen: Thank you for your reply. I've just had a look at meetup.com, unfortunately I can't really find anything. The reason for that probably being that I live in a rather not-so-huge town in Germany. Now that you mention it though, I haven't really tried anti-anxiety medication. The therapist I visit is very hesistant to give me any medication at all, but maybe I can convince him. I see that you live in New York. Have you always lived there? I'm just curious because I wanna move away from my home-town as soon as possible. If you've moved away, would you say that your situation has improved or worsened? Of course only answer if you're comfortable with it.

Sometimes I think I'm dead and roaming a simple afterworld, I used to try to convince an old therapist that she was my guide to help me transition after I'd had enough of swimming along the bottom of the world I'd dropped out of, some things have improved and I have a small path I am plodding along but I still expect to come into the clearing and be guided into the next realm but for now I'm still trudging along and wondering which side of the veil I'm brushing.