Fading personality

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Fading Personality...where can I even begin?
Soo..I haven't introduced myself yet, but that doesn't matter for now.
I have constant problems with the people around me. People won't acknowledge Asperger's as a real disability and say things like "You're not unable to do, you're just lazy", or be like "Don't make such a big fuzz about that small thing". People often tell lies about me, think they understand how I think. Even my family does. At this point, I am even afraid to go to my psychologist. I have hunger, but no appetite. I have to force myself to eat as to not become anorexic. Matters aren't made better by the fact I live in a conservative country. My native language is german, but I prefer talking in English, as it allows me to exclude my family from the conversation. I feel betrayed by my family, nobody WANTS to understand. Nobody would ever listen to some small "mind criplet". When something happens, people always put the fault at my side, because they can tell that I have problems with remembering stuff. But when I acknowledge that I have a proper catalogue of things that I almost worship like christians the bible, they go insta-mad at me. I am not allowed to have a proper discussion in my family, because I have asperger's and they think I don't understand the world.
Hell, I just want to know what they don't want in me. I always tell people to give me feedback on my behaviour, as I cannot tell if I talk too much or the wrong stuff. But nope, a lot of broken "friendships" behind me. Every single one of them tore my mind apart a little more. At the age of 8, I had to take Ritalin for a few years. They also tore me to pieces. Now I have schizophrenia because of them. Without any meds, my life quality is below the line, more than it is anyway. I often unintendedly get into fights and arguments, and people think it's the right way to scream at me, give me computer, or science detention. Or take away the things that matter to me. Want me to sit like without clothes or hideout in the thunderstorm. Without a light in the dark. Computers and digital libraries are the only way for me to properly interact with my surroundings. They are my life pump. I am not exaggerating, I have problems with speech(I associate words with meanings differently than other people), that's why writing over steam and co is easier. I use computers to write literature, to learn, to do any task imaginable.

My parents and grandparents don't take it easy on me. They think they know everything about me better than myself, tell lies to everyone I happen to meet. They isolate me, more than I do myself. They are the reason why I am afraid of heights, of everything.
In the last few years, matters have gone so bad, I often have my mind on "standby mode". That's when something completely uncomprehensive happens and all my emotions suddenly turn off.
I lost my personality more and more.
I began creating what I call the "second reality", a reality in my mind, my hideout. There are people who like me. I have a proper "family" there, not relatives, but we live together as a family. I have a love there. I have a life there.
I don't want to tell the doctors. I am afraid of losing it.
Today something horrible happened.
A fight so bad, that my sense of logic, and my emotions managed to finally decouple. It is similar to DID, I switch between logic and emotion. Sometimes a machine, sometimes a little depressive piece of s**t.
I forget things more often than not thanks to the stress modern society puts onto me.
People tell me that always the others had to adapt to me, but it was always different. I know...I know.
I am afraid of displaying emotions in public, I try to hide them as much as I can. Suppress them.
I am trying to be as objective as possible, put a sense behind everything. But NO, those stupid normies(sorry for every non stupid normie out there) ALWAYS have to put things like sporadic things and feelings into it.
I use the effect of higher dopamine levels when eating Chilis to keep me from hurting myself.
I like the pain Chilis inflict.
I like the pain when I scratch myself open.
If I should ever hurt myself in a way, that will not let me go out of it alive. This shall be my testament.
I love you, Nick. You are the only boyfriend I ever had and ever will have.
I love this community, people who can remotely to closely understand my situation.
Sorry for writing so much

Wanted to say that I read what you wrote and can relate as much as I am able. It bothers me that people are taking away your external connects... is less like punishment for arguments and more like cruelty to me. I understand emotional connect. It's how I live my life. I also understand the inside the head world being so much better than the external one. Yep. I live a large amount of time in my own internal world. Glad you found a way besides self harm to keep things regulated. Is good. Sorry I'm not better support now... having a small word kinda day. Mostly wanted to say I hear ya.

@Dossa , it helps a lot to know that I am not the only one with that problem. Yesterday, all went a bit out of hand. And...it was pretty educational too. Know I know what a corrupt sentient AI must feel like. Anyways, thank you for your feedback.