I'm either overreacting or I've messed up big time

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The short story is that I've just had to cancel attendance at a birthday party tonight on account of feeling ill and, frankly but not disclosed to anyone out loud, I just don't feel in right mood to go and this feeling ill is giving me a decent excuse.

Doesn't sound like too big a deal but some background. It's a bit lengthy but I'll try to be as brief as possible:

My sister was also meant to be going to this party. We're reasonably close (both in nature and in age) and we live right round the corner from each other. This party is a milestone party for a good friend of hers, who are not really independently my friends, more that I used to just tag along with my sister to social events and never really developed an independent friendship with any of her friends (except one, who funnily enough wasn't even invited to the party) and I've not actually spoken to them on Facebook, our only medium of contact, for at least a year. Didn't really bother me, the "gang" had been drifting apart for several years now, for no particular reason.

A few weeks ago my sister informed me that there was going to be a surprise birthday party and that she was told to pass on the message that I was "invited" - I immediately felt a bit slighted that the birthday person's girlfriend - the one organizing the party - didn't just message me directly, or even start a group chat about how best to arrange the surprise, which is the sort of thing we used to do all the time. That way I'd feel clued in and more like an equal participant, but on this occasion I wondered why I wasn't "worthy" of being invited via a simple message via Facebook. I've confided in one other person about this issue and they said that the girlfriend is most likely just busy and that it's "easier" to invite me through my sister, but apart from this second-hand invitation, there's literally been not a single hint of any party happening anywhere. This is what began to make me feel uneasy, and because I'm finding it increasingly difficult to socialize these days, even with people I'm close to, I wasn't feeling very good at all about this upcoming "party", if it was even happening.

Even my sister isn't very close to them anymore but still felt like she *had* to go, for some reason. I even offered to babysit so that my sister and brother-in-law could both go, because they both have more of a reason to go than I do, but brother-in-law stepped in and it was meant to be my sister and me going. Over the course of the evening, I started to feel pretty sick and run down, and honestly the idea of going to a party in a skeevy part of town, with no-one I even talk to or have anything in common with anymore, and with no easy way to get back home on my own, really wasn't selling me. So I decided to bite the bullet and tell my sister that I'm sorry but I'm ill and I can't go.

She then said "well now I can't go", I asked why and she said that no-one else she talks to regularly is going, and that she was expecting me to go basically to keep her company. I felt instantly guilty about "stopping" her from going and considered trying to "pull myself together" at the last minute so as not to disappoint anyone, but here's the weird part. She then told me to message the girlfriend/organiser directly in order to tell her that "we" wouldn't be going. She didn't even tell me what to say as to her reason for not going, which I found very strange considering they're meant to be her friends and not mine. Being told to send a direct message, after literally not hearing the slightest indication from this person that there was any party going ahead, really bothered me. But then my sister messaged me shortly after to ask if I'd done it. I really wasn't in the mood for an argument or hostility of any kind so I caved in and messaged the person, saying that "I" couldn't go, and to send my best wishes to the birthday person. Simple, apologetic and friendly. That person saw my message and didn't even reply. Nice.

That was a rather long-winded way of asking: am I right to feel annoyed about this whole arrangement or am I overreacting? I've admittedly become far less tolerant of "enduring" social situations when I don't absolutely have to but I would've been prepared to go to this party for a good reason. Even just to keep my sister company, if it came down to it. But I'm feeling such a way that it was just too big an ask for me. I hate to disappoint people and feel like I'm doing it all the time anyway, and I can't help wondering if I've really messed up here. I have few enough social occasions to go to as it is anymore and I'm worried now that this was my "chance" for a good one, if I'd only been able to hold it together and play along, like I used to be able to do before...

Last edited by gee_dee on 10 Dec 2016, 11:03 am, edited 1 time in total.

So, your sister wants you to go to a party to keep her company,
and yet,
somehow you have no good way of getting home?
That doesn't sound very nice of your sister, not very thoughtful of her at all,
seems like she should treat you better than that.

Question: Could your sister have taken you home?

To my mind, if she can't be there for you to help you with simple transportation,
then she must not value the pleasure and privilege of your company all that much.

P.S. Mischievous little me might have wanted to contact the organizer/host/hostess of the party
directly by phone
and say, with an innocent-sounding smile in my voice, something like:
"So, I hear you're having a party and I've been invited to it.
Is there anything special you'd like me to bring?"

...

There was technically a bus running from the area to not too far from where I live, but even so I still didn't want to try negotiating that in a dodgy part of town when I barely feel up to leaving the house today. To answer your question, we were both intending to drink (not a lot but still) so neither of us would've been able to take the other home. We were meant to be getting a lift to the place but have no idea what the arrangement was to get back again.

Also, my sister has a historical tendency, when she drinks, to *really* go overboard and, all too often, end up in such a way that she literally can't take care of herself. She rarely drinks nowadays but when she does it's like she's trying to make up for lost time. It used to be that, on those nights out where I'd just be tagging along, it would end up falling to me to get her home safely and, basically, just to make sure that nothing bad happened to her. She could be quite a handful at such times but I'll admit that I put up with this for a long time because it was one of the few times when it felt like we were really "in tune" with each other and properly bonding - before things reached the stage of me having to play babysitter, of course. I *really* don't miss those days and am glad that they're far behind me, but my sister hinted that she intended to be "hungover" tomorrow so that was already a red flag...

A few years ago, on a "girls' night out", I made the mistake of leaving early, under the assumption that we had finally reached a time when we were capable of getting home alone in one piece. I also made the mistake of leaving her in the company of someone who *really* likes people to drink heavily and constantly buys rounds of shots, which has never been a good thing for my sister or me. That night she ended up getting the wrong train and ending up on the opposite end of town, wandering around, and sustaining a mysterious injury which still plagues her to this day. It was only pure luck that night that she eventually found her way home.

I'm simply not in the right head-space to relive that time in my life, for reasons I won't go into here, unless of course there had been a good enough reason. I actually didn't realize that my sister was basically relying on me for company and that I was her only reason for going, otherwise that in itself would've been my main incentive to go, to allow my sister to at least have a rare night out and to chill out for a while. Even if it meant having to temporarily resume my caretaking role. Now I feel like I've basically let her down and not "allowed" her to enjoy a night off, all at short notice.

I would not go just because I had not been directly invited. I don't appreciate second-hand invitations and would not have accepted that invitation in the first place.

So no, you weren't directly invited and you also have no obligation to babysit your adult sister, nor should you feel bad about anything.

(I personally would not have sent the message that you guys were not going either - esp if I was not invited in the first place - that's her job.) But either way. No don't feel bad about it.

It seems she ended up going, so I didn't even have to feel guilty...

Ok well I guess it all worked out then?

I think it's the selective indifference which gets me here.

I'm just an "optional extra" until I have to cancel - on my own terms - and all of a sudden it's insisted upon that I have to be the one to initiate contact about something I've not even been formally invited to (something which they all know is NOT easy for me by the way) and I don't even get an effing response from the host, no "sorry you can't make it", no "get well soon", no "thanks for telling me", *nothing*, though the message was marked as "seen" at the time. I might have given the impression that I didn't mind second hand invitations earlier in life, because I thought that was the best I was ever going to get, but I'm getting to a stage where I either want my *own* friends or none at all.

I'm increasingly selective about which social gatherings I go to, and I'm increasingly glad I chose not to go to this one...

Last edited by gee_dee on 10 Dec 2016, 5:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Hi gee_dee,

Firstly, I'm sorry that I misunderstood you about the transportation issue. Please accept my apologies.

Secondly, if I had been invited second-hand, then I would have felt no need to initiate contact to say I couldn't go. I would let whoever invited me know, and let that person pass my message on to the host or hostess ... or not. Who cares, really? If someone couldn't be bothered to invite me personally, then I'm under no obligation to them whatsoever.

I hope you were spending your time in one of your favorite, relaxing ways.
If not, I hope you will.

~~ the phoenix

Yeah normally I wouldn't have even bothered but for some reason it seemed very important to my sister that I tell the host this piece of news on my own. She wanted me to tell the host that "we're" not going and then she ends up going (??)

The only reason I think I gave in and messaged the host is that I was sure that my sister would take issue and demand to know why I wasn't saying anything, then I'd be forced to confront her about this and then have it easily look like I'm just being petty. There have been so many fall-outs in the family that I honestly can't afford to risk another one, especially since my immediate family has done so much in the past to help me due to my condition. And I know it sounds like a total cop-out but I have a real fear of confrontation, especially with those I'm close to.

This whole arrangement has felt iffy from the beginning. From now on I'm just not going to accept such an "invitation" in the first place.

Been watching Netflix in bed all day and night, it's been fun the only niggling regret I have is that I'm going to end up wondering if I would've had a good time after all if I'd just sucked it up, but then I'd probably feel that way no matter what I do.

You had two conflicts here. One was with the party organizer, who didn't even want your attendance enough to invite you directly. In all fairness, sometimes these sorts of things are put together very informally. But anyway, it didn't sound like a very enticing evening.

Second conflict is with your sister. She is asking/expecting you to do some supportive work for her, both in going to a party just to keep her company, also in RSVP'ing regrets to the host or organizer (who never even directly invited you) and finally, in minding her so she can get drunk with abandon.

The first conflict is not the big one. It's the one with your sister that is really bothering you.

I guess this matter is over now since the party already happened. But the conflict with your sister is likely to recur, in one form or another. There really is no substitute for addressing her expectations of you head-on. You can sidestep the issue by one maneuver or another (like being sick) but until you address it directly, it's likely to happen again.

Or instead of addressing the conflict, you can just decline to fulfill the expectations, and let your sister deal with it. "No, it doesn't sound like fun, these are not really my friends, after all. Sorry I can't help you this time."

You're right in that this will most likely happen again, in some form. Although judging by the (lack of) reception I got to my RSVP I'm thinking I've done something to really piss them off I'm as yet unaware of or they simply don't care anymore whether I show up to anything.

In either case it's being made increasingly clear that I should just bow out of all further engagements or at least have an excuse ready in advance. I mean I just remembered a couple of Christmases ago I got the organiser and partner a present, they got my sister something but nothing for me. I think it wouldn't be too unreasonable to assume that they just don't like me.

Let me get this straight, your sister strong-armed(dominated) you into telling this person that you both couldn't make it, and you led her to believe that you were going to cancel for both of you, then you only cancelled for you. Good job lying to your sister.

You're being upset because you are making excuses instead of standing up for yourself. Do what you want/need to do and don't apologize for it. Don't slink around about it, it will make you feel worse and allow the situation to continue.

I've never been the best at standing my ground, or indeed even knowing whether I'm really in the right or the wrong in the first place. The whole situation just felt "off" to me, but it's all over and done with now.

From now on I'm just going to keep things simple and only go to events where it's a free for all (RSVPs not necessary), where I'm invited directly or where I really just want to hang out anyway. Most of the time anyway I just want to stay in but that might just be me getting old, I dunno

I'm glad you are feeling comfortable again.

I don't know when I'm in the right or wrong a lot of the time either, but I'm beginning to discover that this is because there is no right and wrong the way people think there is. Like, I've been trying piece together whether my last relationship I was abusive or was the abused. It's impossible to tell for multiple reasons, but one of them is that even people who help people for a living give contradictory information. Eg: They say that everyone is free to change their mind for any reason, then the very same article says that someone who changes too often (ie: is unpredictable) is abusive.

Suffice it to say though, you can only and should only control yourself, no one else, and no one should control you but you.