wasted years and where to go from here.

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Last year I finished college (high school) and feel as though I wasted to past two years or so and don't know where to go from here.

several things went wrong for me during this time - a lot of them were interconnected - and some of them are still affecting me now.

I started having feelings for one of my 'friends' (let’s call her P) back in year 9, but only I only really recognised and accepted these feeling the next year and thus moved on from the crush I had had since frickin kindergarten. only problem for me, was for me is I think she tried telling me that she was not into me very early into the piece but she did the typical neurotypical thing and didn't tell me straight and direct to make sure I properly understood but maybe she wasn't completely serious (who knows?). anyways fast-forward a few years and someone finally asked P out and she said yes. P hadn't had a boyfriend before then, despite numerous guys liking her and tell her so, found out about a few days later through someone mentioning it to the guy, funny thing was I was there at the time and got taken away by one of the other guys in the group so the two could have privacy. all this was just as I felt almost comfortable enough to kinda ask her out, thankfully I found out before I did so. naturally I was and still am, just emotionally shattered and mentally distraught as I was stupid enough to put so much devotion into liking her that it makes a large amount of life then and now.

Mid-way through last year I had a seizure, after a visit to my GP we came to the realization that probably wasn't my first one either. this seizure has left mentally scarred, but to understand what I mean I first have explain how blacking out feels like to me; first I start to have a sort of dream and then I start hearing voices from people around me, then some light and the everything seems to rush towards me as if the dream is being fast-forwarded and then I am conscious and awake. it was at the point where I started to hear the voices that I seemed to notice that I was shaking uncontrollably for what seemed to an eternity in darkness. I felt as I was never going to wake from that hell and that has left an emotional mark on me.

and finally, after everything that I went through I got a sh***y ATAR (Australian Tertiary Admission Rank), 54 out of 100, which was partially my fault as I procrastinate to the extreme (though this procrastination was sometimes caused by my crush among other things) and was suffering from depression (not my fault) through most of college. this means that I probs won't be going to uni any time soon, not that I really have idea what would study if I did go.

all of this has left me feeling s**t and I haven't really had any to talk to about lately as my best friend stopped going school at the start of last year so barely stayed in touch with over FB, and when I tried to arrange to meet up with he cancelled at the last minute. this has also been the longest post I have made here or anywhere,

I just need people to talk about how I feeling and to support me

's'

Hi there. It seems that you are kind of on track to repeat my own path to not living up to my potential, as I practiced it at the same age you are. There were some good things about being 18 though.

One was that high school was over. I really appreciated that. Another was that unlike your situation I got good enough scores on exams to get into college, but the pain was just delayed as I dropped out later.

The crush, I won't go into as that problem kept repeating with me and it probably will with you too, so I hope someone else can help you with that.

So that brings me to the possibility that those low scores could work to your advantage in the long run. To be more sure of that, I'd have to know if you have any special interests or abilities that can work themselves into a job. In my case I did have such a skill, and it worked into a job when I got out of college. At the time my academic confidence was nonexistent and I was glad to be able to earn a decent living.

To make the story short, I did end up going back to college years later, and performed up to my potential, which was pretty good. Working had given me confidence to know I wasn't a "loser," like the high school experience had "taught" me. I still had social problems--Aspies always have social problems--that bothered me for decades, but in time even those became a bit more manageable.

Anyway, at the moment you sound pretty depressed about this--which may be partly my own projection of memories of my own awful depression--but the main problem for you most likely is finding a space, mentally and in other ways, where you can feel confident about parts of yourself that work well, and reduce your exposure for awhile to the parts that haven't worked that well.

Note: I didn't quite write this correctly. I meant to write that I got a job after I left high school, using a developed and marketable skill, but before returning to college. It was that job that helped my confidence.

Dear Cleverer Sauce,

I read your unsent letter about your NT crush who did not inform you directly that she was not interested.

It seems to me like what might have happened is a sort of "reverse mind blindness" ... in her mind, she was communicating with you in a way she thought you would understand, and had no idea that you could not "take the hint." She may have been very perplexed, and maybe even worried, when you continued to chase her, and maybe she thought that not communicating with you anymore was what she needed to do to protect her safety.

Not saying you're one, but I had a stalker "boyfriend" while I attended college (American university). His behavior scared me ... I wondered if I'd get attacked or killed by him, and over the many years that have passed, I wondered once or twice if he might track me down and show up unexpectedly, and how much danger I could possibly be in if that happened. (And yes, he gave me reason to wonder, for the record, but I'm not going to post all the details on a public Internet forum. I do wish him well and hope he has met the right woman for him. ) When you're a woman, sometimes you get concerned about these types of things, so this might have been her reaction ... again, not comparing you to the guy who followed me around, just saying that females are very sensitive and easily upset about being chased after they feel they've told you no.

This is to say, my bet is that this woman didn't mean to hurt you.

It's just a part of life that happens when there's miscommunication between autistics and NTs.

Life isn't fair. Sometimes there is no closure the way we want. Sometimes we just have to let it go, move forward, and be at peace.

This is a new year. I hope you can put the past in the past, and make a fresh start.

That will help open up new opportunities for you, and your future.

As for higher education, I had a sister who dropped out, and was able to find work using basic office skills. You just have to find your skills and talents, and then apply hard work.

I wish you the best.

~~ the phoenix

Those years are in the past. Focus on the present and the future you can build from it. Where to go? Anywhere you want!

The longer you're out of high school the more you realize high school grades and social structure/hierarchy etc etc don't count for s**t in the real world. There are A students that fail out of Uni. There are C students running mega corporations. How you're measured in high school isn't how you're measured or what you're worth in real life.

Heck, Richard Branson is a high school drop out. He didn't let that prevent him from having a global empire or being an adventurer.

Reality check time: "A" students go to school to learn how to teach "B" students how to work for "C" students.

Be proud of those grades, go forth into the world.. and do whatever the f**k you want to.