scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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Everything is about projecting the right image, so people will hear what I actually mean and not jump to conclusions (or even listen to me in the first place).

Other than when I'm talking with one friend, everything is about having the right opinions, the right approach, the right words, the right demeanor, the right tone.

Nothing is appealing any more. Even my interests aren't interesting.

They told me I was depressed when I tried to talk to them about what I thought and felt. Well. What am I when it's not worth bothering any more?? Recovering?? I don't feel recovering.

-Infinity

Of a FB group for animated sitcom lovers that had over 30,000 people, only 3 live in Houston, and I sent them friend requests, and all 3 rejected them.

I had considered moving somewhere like Seattle, NYC, or San Francisco, feeling there are more people in those places with my interests. But the cost of living is too high.

This was probably my last chance to find people with the same interests. Anyone who doesn't watch the Simpsons and South Park willingly should be forced to watch porn.

Not a woman, not a man. My first boyfriend honestly pegged me pretty well: "You're not a girl. You're a guy without a dick." Yeah. Kinda. I still have "woman-hormones." But apparently those woman-hormones act on a guy-brain that processes information in a guy-way.

Can I have my hormones transition to being male, without needing my body to do that?? I have no desire to have a double mastectomy and a surgically constructed penis. I just want my hormones to match my neurons.

I'm not "womanly enough" to be a good woman. Not "manly enough" to be a good man. And being "manly" would be a mistake anyway, because I'm attracted to guys and don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. And guys DO NOT like manly women.

I'm a good mom, if I don't try to be a traditional mom. I suck at being a traditional mom. I will happily take care of them and interact with them and play with them. I just don't do it like other mothers do. And if I try, then that takes all my energy and I don't have anything to actually be present with my kids. If I don't, of course, I get to listen to the endless litany of what a terrible mother I am (it plays in my head all the time, I've heard it that often-- even though my kids and I are close, they're physically and mentally healthy NOW, even my teenager seems to want to tell me what she thinks and hang around me which seriously makes me think, logically, that I'm doing something right).

No, I don't meet their every whim. Ain't my job (that's called a servant, not a mother, and it stops being good parenting when they stop being itty-bitty babies, about the time they start to walk and speak).
Same song with the wife. I'm a good wife. If I don't try to be a brainless cheerleader, needy ultrafeminine sycophant, and a submissive yes-woman. I'm a good wife, if I treat my husband like a very good friend that I have sex with. Unfortunately, that's not what a wife is supposed to do. And now, being a submissive yes-woman is all I feel comfortable doing. Except, well, I know I'm lying through my teeth and resent it. Except I can't do anything else any more.

I know what's right. I'm too burned out from forcing myself to do what's wrong to do anything else. I'm worn out and broken, and it's no one's fault but mine. No matter what anyone said, ever, under what pressures-- I am the idiot who chose to comply.

Doesn't matter. As it turns out, broken people do not heal and cannot be Super Glue'd.

-8 I have so much pressure in my chest it radiates through to my back.

5. i'm getting closure - what i've always wanted. things are as they should be, i know now the answers to questions i was once too afraid to ask.

i just hope the GF is settled soon. they're all packed, just waiting for clearance to move into the new place, so their home looks like some refugee camp. i tried to pass by the new property yesterday evening when i got home from LAX but it was hidden - a private road. i knew the address, just not where or WHAT it was exactly. by the reservoir.

should probably avoid going there until everything is in place and i've met the other tenants.

I seriously regret giving away too many f***s to s**t that did not benefit me, my family, or my friends.

Servicing peoples' pathology, as it turns out, is not actually a benefit.

It's done now, though. It took a lot of effort and reprogramming to get myself to give all those f***s.

Now I find I have no f***s left to give to the things that would have mattered.

Is this going to be the rest of my life??

6, my depression is starting to subside and I feel more positive and energetic in general. A few weeks ago I was constantly thinking about suicide and how much of a failure piece of garbage I am. Hopefully it keeps getting better but it tends to not last long. The depression comes and goes.

3.

ná xen pe 45 ta assehoonit lyai...asseh secre ta getecadhet de ell xen pe 14iss on.

secrevit ta tain zonn tainitoie ell ze asseh!



How long
How long have you been away
Oh how long
I can't find the words to say

I've kept your picture on my shelf
Only there to remind myself
I have always cared for you
Do you still love me

Oh my flame
Some things will never change
I still hold your vision in my mind
Say you still love me

My love
Will I ever make you see
That somehow
You are still apart of me

Maybe we can compromise
Cause our love just can't be disguised
I have always cared for you
Do you still love me

Oh my flame
Some things will never change
I still hold your vision in my mind
Say you still love me
Oh my flame
Some things will never change
I still hold your vision in my mind
Say you still love me


Oh my flame
Some things will never change
I still hold your vision in my mind


....

+6-7 probably. I've been pretty good at keeping things upbeat for a while now actually.

5, nothing is going bad, but I'm a bit bored.

-200000. i've been on depression meds for a while now and I think I have reached a plateau in my depression recovery and am now getting worse. My irritability has increased in the past few days and I feel like punching a wall. To make matters worse, people say I'm too negative which makes me even more angry because I have no recourse to whom to vent my feelings.

-15. I just can't seem to pick myself up today.

0. Pretty much always 0. I don't know how to feel anymore.

0 don't know whether I'm being screwed with or I'm just being a paranoid POS.... my gut feelings were almost always right, either My fiancee is a emotional needy pathological liar or my schizo affective disorder is getting the best of me. ....