Friends who abandon you when you need them

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I am actually hurt by someone I thought was my friend. I've been friends with this person for a while, a year or so. We talk and discuss our personal lives, feelings, opinions, problems, good things, etc. I have different views on some topics than this person but we share views on others . We could disagree without animosity, I thought. While we didn't talk more than a couple times a month, this friend was someone who I valued and who I thought valued me.

I believe I was wrong.

When my husband had his stroke, I spoke to this person and they were appropriately concerned. However they not once called or messaged me to see how he was or if I was OK. They spent plenty of time online but couldn't spend three minutes sending me a message. I was always the first one to make contact but I had put that down to how this person is, sort of quiet and does not like to do things that could be seen as intrusive, even when it's not intrusive and would have been welcomed. But I had assumed that in a situation where this person's friends husband was very sick that they would be OK with sending an internet message at the least. Nope. I wasn't even as important as hobby s**t they did online.

I was moody at the time, worried and all, that's normal. I snapped at them about something they put online, a sweeping assumption about a group of people that just isn't true, but for god's sake that's not something that would cause a person to abandon a friend during the worst time of the friends life, is it? I guess it is.

Anyway, I tried getting back in touch with this friend and they didn't seem to even give a s**t. What gets me is this person is all constantly talking about compassion and being nice and caring about others. I guess I'm not worth caring about to them.

Whatever.

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
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NT's are different. A couple times a month just talking (and not going out) or online is just like a co-worker you work with or a neighbor that you say "hi" to because you are neighbors. The only time you can snap at someone is if the friendship is solid and the person really knows you, otherwise, the "friendship" is too brittle. I try to make friends online, but it is hard when it's either one-way or you just talk to someone in PM or posts. Facebook is the same way. Anything online is shallow unless both person's put an effort in and this means writing, talking on the phone, texting and pictures if it is long distance. If you see the person, then you have to go out and share time together.

For this to have worked, you would have had to go out and do things with this person and build a solid friendship. For people to be really concerned these days about others, they have to know a lot about you and feelings have to be a big part of it. I have two friends that I could count on, but we have been friends for years - one a neighbor that I have been friends with and done everything with for 10 years and the other I have worked with for about 5 years and text now. The text friend is not as close to me now since I never see her, but our texts are very deep about personal topics that we wouldn't share with just anyone. My other neighbors can go jump off of a cliff.

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Firstly, Olive Oil Mom,

I am sorry about your husband's stroke and will pray for his good health.

Secondly, I'm sorry you've been hurt by someone you had counted as a friend. You are not alone. Fair weather friends seem to be an epidemic these days. It especially hurts when that kind of treatment comes from people who talk about compassion, caring, and being nice.

About you always being the one to initiate contact, speaking in general, it would be a matter of balancing whether the other person makes up for it in other ways when you are in contact. That said, not contacting you in your hour of need to lend support definitely seem thoughtless. Sometimes people have a weakness of not knowing what to say in such situations? Anyways, seeing that same person online making time to chatter away with others, or about hobbies, is harsh ... especially when she knows you're online too.

As for being moody, based on your situation, that should be completely understandable to any decent person, let alone a friend. As for politics, yes, the atmosphere is super polarizing these days. That you tried getting back in touch with her, extending the "olive oil" branch ... speaks volumes about your generous heart and wish for peace ... and her lack thereof, when it comes to the friendship.

P.S. I know my perspective differs from that of nurseangela ... as an Aspie, what I've written above is my first instinctive reaction.

P.P.S. I hope you will feel better soon!

Almost everybody has trouble relating to hard changes, and may avoid doing anything for fear of getting it wrong. I've also learned the hard way to not rely on help that was promised when things were slightly different for any of many reasons.

I have a friend online, we been friends for around 17 years, I keep trying to break up with her, I keep talking to her, I'm so tired of not talking to her, I had it with her.

Oh my, the pain in my heart echos yours Sweetie, and I'm so so sorry that your friend abandoned you. I too understand that pain. It seems in times like these, you really know who your friends are. I'm going through this also, and I do understand. You both will be in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs.