Romantic loneliness, and increasing platonic loneliness

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I'm sorry if this post is a little bit confusing, but it needs some background context for you guys to understand the situation I'm in. First of all, just a reminder that I've been described as "fringe autistic" because the impacts on my social skills are minimal and I'm pretty good at covering them up. But even then, I've been struggling lately. I've turned to the Autistic Adults Facebook page for help, but I just realized that I could also ask for some help or support here...I really feel like I need it.



So, for context, this is a post I made around May 11:

So someone just told me that one of my best female friends (who I fell for pretty much as soon as I met her) "friend zoned" me and is "manipulating" me into staying as her friend.

Ugh...No. She treats me like a friend because when we first met I made the mistake of only acting like a goddamned friend. How was she supposed to know any different? It's not her fault and I don't have any anger or bitterness towards her. Maybe some regret, but NOTHING more.

I really don't like it when people whine about the friend zone, and I definitely am not going to put up with people like that trying to distance me from one of my best friends.



Here's another one, about a week ago, on May 24:

IMPORTANT NOTICE: Would very much appreciate some advice here
Remember the post I made a little while ago about how I really hate it when people whine about the friend zone? Well, as it turns out, my best female friend who I mentioned in that post is now single and since I've been interested in her since I met her, I was thinking of asking her if she wanted to go out with me. The thing is I never explicitly said that I was interested before or even hinted at it very strongly. I only acted like a friend, and it was much too late by the time I even admitted my feelings to myself - she already had a boyfriend by then, and I respected and supported their relationship.
A few weeks ago, she broke up with her boyfriend, and almost immediately afterwards started sending me mixed signals. Here's the thing though - she's also on the spectrum so I'm not sure how good she is at sending implicit signals, and the signals that she did send could be interpreted either way. We mostly see each other at a social group for autistic adults in the area.
The first time she showed up after breaking up with her boyfriend, she asked to sit next to me at the desert store that the group was staying at. And when my father came to pick us up from the store, I had to go to the bathroom and apparently she was "anxiously" waiting by the car for me before getting in.
The next time I saw her after that was at an Autism Job Conference which I had no idea that she would be at. There, she mostly just acted like a friend, and we chatted most of the time when people weren't speaking. The next time after that was this past Thursday, at the autistic social group again. She proposed another meet up at Swiss Chalet for dinner which she happens to know is my favourite restaurant. I haven't seen her since then or heard much from her (but that's not unusual, since she rarely texts).
I'm debating whether or not to let her know how I feel. The thing is she's very sensitive and easily hurt. She has BPD as well as autism, and gets upset very easily. I would have to tell her very gently, and I've already worked out the gist of what I was planning on saying if I do decide to tell her at all. The other thing is that even though I have very strong feelings for her, I'm perfectly comfortable staying as her friend. It might hurt to know that she's not interested in me romantically, but it would destroy me to lose her friendship. We've been friends for two years and six months, and I don't even know what I'd do if I lost her as a friend. I care so much about her...and I'd hate myself for a very long time if I hurt her or drove her away from me. For these reasons I'm wondering if I should tell her at all.
On the other hand, if she is interested...we have so much in common, so many shared interests and experiences. I love talking and laughing with her, I love all of the times we've spent doing things we both enjoy...whether it's as a romantic partner or as a best friend, I love *her*.
I'd be perfectly comfortable if she says "I just see you as a friend". In fact, I'd be more than comfortable. I'd be happy, because she would want to stay as my friend. It might not be exactly what I wanted, but it'll still be something amazing, to have her still in my life as my best friend.
So, should I tell her or not?

At around the same time that this was happening, a friend who is also on the spectrum has been trying to find girls who might be good matches for me, since he happens to know way more people than I do. He found one who I chatted with briefly a few times and who, according to him, was definitely interested in me, and I definitely saw her as a good match for myself. But as of today, she has gotten together with another guy, who happens to be the exact sort of guy I don't want to be like - the type of guy who feels obliged to sex, love, whatever, from women, and whines and complains when he doesn't automatically get it.

Here's the current situation:

Remember my autistic female friend who broke up with her boyfriend a little while ago? Even though I've had feelings for her for years now, today I got a strong recommendation from an Autism Ontario affiliate not to pursue those feelings since she's still quite hurt after her breakup back in April and in any case I'm going away to university in September and apparently she broke up with her previous boyfriend because he wasn't around enough.

So based on recommendations from her and from my parents, I decided to move on to the next option, who my parents suggested to me was also a better opportunity for a "practice" relationship since I've never had a true romantic relationship anyway. Later this evening I learned that she is takenas of today. That's it, no other options, no other places to find new options after that. Girls that I seem to have chemistry with come along about once every 1-2 years for me, so the next opportunity to even try to practice will probably be a long way off. And the older I get, the harder it gets, plus everything I've heard says that it gets MUCH harder after university.

Which brings me to my next point. I've been told before that university is where I'll probably find "my people", including potential romantic partners, but now my parents don't want me doing that either. They're paying my bills since I haven't been able to save up enough money on minimum wage and just-above minimum wage, but today they just yelled at me about how "you're there to study, we're spending almost $150 grand on sending you there and if we see any signs of you partying, being a part of any of those social clubs or joining a frat, then we're cancelling your funding and bringing you home right away." Basically, the verdict is if I have a social life of any kind at university I get dragged home. So I won't only be romantically lonely there, but completely socially isolated. From my experience, in the work force, even in jobs which have to do with my special interests, I find it almost impossible to connect with people at the workplace, so I don't have much hope for that either.

Which brings me to my next point. Ever since the previous short term fling I had in 2015 ended, I've been romantically lonely, but now it's more than that - my platonic friends are drifting apart, going their separate ways too, I'd try to start again at university but my parents won't let me...Even when I'm alone with no other people around, I've enjoyed the company of animals, but the university doesn't allow pets of any kind to be taken in, even terrarium/aquarium based pets.

Maybe I'm just destined for a lonely, miserable life with no spouse/girlfriend and no friends, and I should just expect that pain...Maybe it's karma since I was such a complete as*hole when I was in high school and treated people who cared about me so horribly...maybe this is a just punishment and I should live with it. Every connection I try to make seems to just lead to more pain...and maybe I deserve it...

When you go to university live a secret life. Don't tell your parents what you get up to. People do it all the time. Some people even live their whole life like that - spies working for the government.

They are interfering too much by telling you to get involved with no social groups. It's sad you didn't get with that woman but I can tell you I've been in similar heartbreaking situations, and I did feel that same passion for another woman I met later.

When you get to university you'll be so busy with your studies and adapting a whole new way of life that you'll begin to see the women you've had feelings for recently in a new light. When we move away, we always see the past differently. Sometimes there are people who we never let go of but even then, with distance and time, it can get easier.

Honestly sometimes it makes me feel sad that I had to leave behind women I felt I loved so much, but bizarrely I ended up loving other women just as much. I never expected it to happen but it did.