Losing Hope

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This year pretty much hasn't been a good one to me. Whether it be a family that toxic to be around or just losing people i love very much. And whenever anything else bad happens and i don't have the ability to help. I'm just sitting in the background like i usually am. Its about to be the end of the year and i cant help but to look back and remember everything that has happened this year (because its not like i can stop thinking) and feel like the whole year was a waste and i don't know what to do to prevent next year from being the same. I just keep losing friends and and having problems with family to where i get afraid of losing anyone all the time. I randomly picture scenarios in my head where that happens but its different every time and i don't know how to stop it.....I'm sorry. its safe to say I'm pretty horrible at writing my thoughts down. Difficult to make my thoughts make sense to anyone else. Its like I'm speaking a different language ya know....Anyway its just that hope that everything will get better...feels like its far away...like its lost..like its out of reach...and i don't know what to do..

Try not to lose hope. I know that is pretty basic and general advice, but it'll help you the next time you feel like losing hope. Be as hopeful as you can be.

I'm in a pretty sh***y headspace too, but I find planning helps.
Identify what the problems have been with this year (aka problems with relatives, dealing badly with losing people, and then brainstorm some strategies to improve those things in the new year. Maybe (just for example, as you didn't specify what the problems were) set boundaries clearly with relatives and don't tolerate anyone crossing them, or maybe practice mindfulness to alter my attachment on others.
Then you've got something to go on. A bit of a structure to help you go from thinking my life sucks, this year has been crap, next year is just going to be more crap (which thinking I'd guess everyone is guilty of at times) to ok, so this was what I struggled with in 2017. Now I'm going to think up some strategies to implement to make sure 2018 is better and these problems are resolved.
Bit more hopeful. Some people find talking to others helps - I find it useless so you'd have to take that individually, but if it does help that might be an idea, getting someone else to support you.
It seems many people start thinking this way around xmas/new year. A kind of mini annual midlife crisis - what the hell have I been doing with this whole year?
Plus people tend to remember the bad, not the good. Tends to give a bit of a lopsided recap. There were probably awesome things that happened in your life in 2017 too - it's the bad crap that sticks out in mind.

Sorry its difficult to be more open with things especially with people i barely know. I wouldnt say talking to others doesnt help, it only helps me when that person is willing to understand or has experienced the things i have. There has been some good things that has happened this year just unfortunately those good things led to bad things to there i wish nothing good ever happened..

Your not speaking in dramatic tones, you have had a traumatic time of it, as have I. The irony is, do the ones who've passed on, know you've meant everything to them and through the years see through the language barriers?
It hurts visually, it aches continually and this season will sprinkle enough hurt on top of hurt and what else can you do?
I've been in that place before too, its not nice, nor pleasant and the feeling that you may never have been good enough for anyone, never really goes away. I can't even look to the future at the moment, it looks too bleak.
I want to speak to someone, to let it out, but every time I try, something swallows me back down.
I can't even begin to describe my loss and there was a language barrier.
I have an aunt who's never spent crimbo with us in nine years, suddenly is, and she doesn't understand me,(and tries not to), I've had Christmases where boyfriends I had, were soon no longer boyfriends, and my health is becoming a long term barrier to finding employment. Of course, I've been in this place a few times before, its not new, it's a harsh reality. So really, I don't know why I'm mentioning it for. Maybe to spare someone the burden of mentioning there's all over again. As for stranger anonymity, I'm the same. Not spreading good yule here am I.
Just don't fade away yet, as your former shadow may be worth saving.

Well no matter what the reasoning is, I'm glad you said something. It does help a bit. Thank you

^Nice to know we've all got feelings, even though they may not all be entirely mutual.