Rants

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1/17/2018 - 9:36 AM

I tried to not hurt myself...

My mother had called me multiple times to do a multitude of tasks for her after I woke up for the morning. Once again I felt like her own personal maid and not a daughter. "Make me breakfast." "Get me a snack." "Make me coffee." "Turn on/off my lights." "Wash my clothes." "Make dinner." etc. etc. Chores are one thing but, I feel like I am nothing but this person's servant. I'm always treated like this and I hate it! At times she even asks me to clean her...godforsaken pigsty of a room... I can't even fathom how dirty it is (just watch a hoarder show). And now the living room which I had cleaned many times by command is now getting to be as dirty as her room because she's been occupying it... and it makes me cry...

Today with her, it was, “Go get me that bin of cords." because she wanted one that plugged into a tablet she had. This was after I had made her breakfast and moved a piece of furniture for her. I was already having ill thoughts and started knocking myself in the head and tearing with just how tired and angry I was with my mother. While moving the end table from up upon the grey bin in my room I had to stop because every part of my body that touched anything was making me super uncomfortable. I started to clench my teeth, widen my eyes and repeatedly hit myself in the head. Claude (a soulbond of mine) was there trying to stop me as my hand was moving closer to my eye.

Once I calmed down, I pushed the bin out into the hallway while my mother sat on the toilet. I quickly shut the door and my mother opened the bathroom door and asked, “What’s the matter?” in a very harsh voice. I told her nothing was wrong and tried to get away from my closed door and she yelled at me to “come here”. I didn’t want to go out of my room…I really didn’t want to tell her the truth because I knew she would be nasty to me and say hateful things that make me want to hurt myself. But I couldn’t avoid it, so I went out.

She gave me the nastiest look on her face. Eyes were widened and arched downward showing a face of anger and disgust. She yelled at me again, “What is wrong?!” I tried to hide my tears and told her, “Nothing” But she asked me again. I didn’t want to tell her how upset I am for how she’s been treating me due to the act that she did nothing but told me to basically shut up and “stop acting like a baby”, “move out if you don’t like the way I talk to you” so I fudged the truth and told her, “I…. I didn’t want to get the bin out…” I cannot remember what she exactly said but she ended up yelling in response and told me o go back in my room. Which is where I ended up typing this up.

I hope you get to move out soon.

I had a similar relationship with my mother before I moved out from her apartment.

It's wonderful that everyone here can explain themselves so well and describe their feelings, etc.
Then there's me.
Stuck.
Can someone help?
Can't even organise my thoughts.
Can't write it in a way that doesn't sound like a weird broken robot.
And I hate making threads in the haven, so how would that work?
I tried, but it sounded awful, so I deleted it.
And it feels like I'm giving up my privacy.
And I don't really want to talk about it.
Didn't even think anyone would care for an update.
So how do I do this?
Or do I just give up and let everyone draw their own conclusions?
Why do people want to know?
No one else here would have problems with this.
Just me.
What do I say?

I don't know where the line between reality and fantasy is anymore. I'm not currently sure who I even am. Maybe I need to stay away from people while I figure this stuff out.

Who am I? I'm not even sure I know a thing about me. All I know is my special interest. I know that might sound silly, but I'm so thankful for it and I feel like it is the safest thing in my life and my rock.

School starts in less than four days and I'm excited yet terrified to go back. People will ask me about myself and I know nothing.

My meds are messed up, I know that too.

My mother just came home from work complaining how she has to leave earlier tomorrow and blamed me for not having a job....

"If you had a job then I wouldn't have to work earlier!" .......... I hate having social anxiety and all the other things I do... it's why I can't find the courage to work a job....

It takes a lot of effort for me to really trust someone. Makes me a little sad when I pushed someone I met on a soulbonding site I used to go on away. Re-reading the private message I had on the closed down site back in August of last year makes me a little uncomfortable and regretful in a way... It was a nice message from the person I could've potentially have been friends with. They were thanking me for being open about myself on the site and how much I supported Shadow even due to his taboo lifestyle and how such a website shouldn't shut down due to differing views and experiences with soulbonding no matter how "morally wrong" those views and experiences may be.

This person was nice but I was scared, deathly terrified of being judged by this individual. Even though we both had soulbonds who were classified as the villain sort, I still couldn't feel 100% sure that I could fully trust this person to not just end up talking about me behind my back (as some have done before). I purposely hid stuff about myself from her on Facebook and then eventually cut all communication without explaining why.

I feel terrible that I did this but I really don't want to try to find this person again... I hope they are doing well...

TW: suicide is mentioned.

Why do I always screw everything up? There was one friend who stuck by me, and I had piss him off. Now I have no almost no one. Not only that, but a close relative of mine almost died, and I've been crying about that for the past two days. Why am I such a baby? Why can't I hold myself together? Oh, and the friend's girlfriend told me to kill myself today. How delightful. Nothing like being told to off yourself when you're in the worst possible mental state.

{{Screaming into the void}}

STOP ASKING FOR MY HELP WITH YOUR DIET IF ALL YOU'RE GOING TO DO IS IGNORE ME OR GET ANGRY WHEN I TRY TO KEEP YOU ON TRACK!! !! !!

Everything hurts so much mentally and physically. I don't know what to do. I just want to give up.

I'm at school but I don't want to be, I'll never be able to hold a job for more than a few weeks. What is the point? No one genuinely likes me. I feel so alone in the world. I used to turn to Tumblr in times like this but it's like there is a "let's hate on your favorite character" party going on there and it's really, really upsetting to me.

I sense a huge meltdown/shutdown coming on...

I had get rid of a few friends online. Feeling terrible about it but I’m tired of feeling like crap. Most of them have changed so much so that I wouldn’t recognize them. They aren’t the same and we rarely speak or interact anymore. I no longer going to be a part of a pattern that I’m beginning to see as destructive. I hate myself as it is and I don’t need anymore of the abusive language directed in such a decisive and abusive way to feel scared and powerless over my identity and sanity. Enough is enough.