Feeling hopeless (trigger warning - suicide)

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I have an orientation thing at 5:00 today, and then I'll probably be starting tomorrow. And yes, three hours of cleaning does go pretty quickly - at my last job I had three three-hour shifts and one six-hour shift a week. I'm just a little worried that the time will go too quickly and I won't get everything done. But I guess the sheriff training center I'll be cleaning is probably smaller than a whole department store, which is what I was trying to clean in that time at my last job.

Was today your first day at your new job? How was it? How did your orientation seminar go?



I was very nervous on my first day at my job, but it was not really bad, and I was able to get thru it. Did the time go by quickly? I hope the new job is a success.



I am sorry that you will have to wait a few weeks to start on your gardening, but I hope you will like it.



More big hugs.

I had to get my fingerprints taken today since I'm going to be working at a sheriff training facility, and I couldn't start until after I'd done that, so I didn't get to start today. I should be getting a call or email soon about an official start date, and it will probably be sometime this week. That's how my first day was at my other job, I was really nervous but it wasn't actually that bad. I am really nervous about starting now, but I expect it will probably also turn out to not be that bad. It really helps with my anxiety that this job is very similar to my last one, so I have some idea of what to expect, so I'm still worried but not completely freaking out about it like I might have otherwise. The orientation was very long - it ended up taking almost four hours I was expecting it to be more like one hour, but the email I got about it didn't say how long it would probably be. It was just watching some videos (one about blood-borne pathogens, one about office cleaning, and one about safety) and then answering some questions about them. There were two other people attending the orientation, but it wasn't their first time doing it - I think they were moving up in position instead of newly joining like me.

I can still get started on the weeding while I wait for the temperature here to stabilize. That will at least give me something to do where I'll be able to see the progress I've made. I can also get my carnivorous plants set up since they won't be outside. I really enjoy starting plants from seeds, I get very excited when I see the sprouts starting to come up and like to watch them grow. The carnivorous plants probably can't go in the kitchen like I'd thought of before, though, because Arthur will get into them. They'll probably have to be in a room with a door we can close to keep him out. I'll have to think of another good spot for them.

I also had to get my finger prints taken when I was first hired for the San Diego Public Library, which made me very nervous too. Another requirement I had was a background check, which I passed. I was hired right away, but I also had to wait for an official start date.



I really hope that the sheriff's department actually calls you or E mails you about your official start date. I remember you had mentioned that you never heard back from a company that you applied with that said they would contact you. I will be thinking about you. I also hope that you do not get too nervous or freak out.



Good luck with the weeding; it will give you something to do in the meantime. It sounds like fun watching the progress of your plants & seeing them grow. I hope Arthur does not get in to them, and they survive & turn out healthy.



I am still here for you. 300 big dragon hugs, and good luck with the job & the plants.

I'm still waiting to hear about a start date for the job. Yesterday I finally heard something back - there was a class at the courthouse that I had to take (which they only told me two and a half hours before the class started). It was pretty much just "There might be sensitive information here, if you see something that looks like this sample sheet on a desk or the information on a computer screen, just ignore it, and if you see a sheet that looks like this somewhere else (in a trash can, on the floor, etc.), let someone know." And signing a paper essentially just agreeing not to share any sensitive information we may come across.

The past few days, I've been perseverating about what will happen to me if I never end up getting a job I can support myself on. Right now my parents support me, but they're not going to be able to forever. I suppose I might be able to qualify for some sort of disability benefits or something, but really, if I have nothing to give to society, why should I be surviving on other people's money? At least my parents, I'm directly giving some sort of emotional benefit (I think). But if not that, then what? Or what if I don't qualify at all?

I have been wondering how you have been doing, and also wondering how your new employment was coming along. It seems strange that you were required to attend a class for the job which was irrelevant to the position that you applied for. I also thought that you may have been busy working, but you have not started your job yet. It may be helpful to inquire about when you can expect to start the job. I hope you can start the job soon. Have you been doing anything to keep yourself busy in the meantime? Have you been working on your gardening projects?



If you save some of your money, then I think you will be able to live on your own. It may be a good idea to research the disability benefits that are available in your community, then you will have a better idea about whether or not you will qualify. At least in San Diego, the benefits are for individuals with many different kinds of disabilities, and once you sign up & qualify, then the services are available for the rest of your life.



I really hope that this job is a success for you, and that you get pleasure from it.



Big hugs.

I haven't posted because there hasn't been a lot to say, really. I'm only working three hours a day, so once I start, I should have adequate time to work, relax and recover from working, and also report on how things went. The person who's been contacting me was also at the class yesterday and told me again that she'd contact me about a start date, so I'll at least wait another few days. If I still don't hear anything by then, I'll contact her and inquire about it.

I only had to take that class because I'm going to be cleaning at a sheriff training facility, where it's possible there will be personal information like whether or not someone has a warrant for their arrest (that's the form we were shown), and everyone who's going to be working in a place where such sensitive information may be readily available has to take that class.

I haven't really been doing much to keep me busy since I only find out that I don't have to work each day by not hearing anything by the time I would start work that day - I want to be prepared in case they call one morning and want me at work starting that afternoon. No gardening yet - I'd like to have a supply of plant food before starting my carnivorous plants (if I remember correctly, they don't need it immediately, but my family is big on procrastination, and I don't want the plants to die because we put off getting plant food until it was too late), and it's been too cold/wet/snowy for me to want to do any weeding (we got a little more snow on Sunday).

Yes, I should research what disability benefits are like here. Mostly I'm afraid that I wouldn't qualify if I still have a part-time job, that I might make too much for benefits but not enough to live on, although I do also worry that they'll think I'm perfectly capable of working a full-time job and don't need benefits (heck, I think I might be perfectly capable of working a full-time job if I could just get one). I'll look around and see what would qualify/disqualify me from benefits in my area. I could save up enough money to get me started, at least, but if I didn't have a regular source of income, or wouldn't be making enough to support myself, I'd be very worried about running out. I absolutely detest the idea of being in debt, I really don't want that to happen.

But I too am hopeful that this job is a step in the right direction. It will at least give me something to do that's helpful in some way, so I might feel less like a burden. And it does pay a little more than my last job (same number of hours a week, but I get $11 per hour instead of $8.50). And if I take some time to save up some money, it will also hopefully be another job I've kept for a decent amount of time for other potential future employers to see, making it a little more likely for me to get hired by them.

It looks like I won't be making enough money with the job I'm getting to disqualify me from benefits, but they do decide if they think I'm "disabled enough."

I hope the woman who has been contacting you will get back to you soon. Waiting is frustrating, and it is even worse when you have severe depression. I had a similar experience a few years ago. I was interviewed for a promotion at my job, and I never heard back about it. It was disappointing, so I finally just gave up on it.



I am glad that the job pays a little bit more that your previous job. It seems like it will be good for your job resume. Hopefully, your anxiety will not be too bad while you are working. My anxiety has been very bad at times, and I had a few problems at my job, so I hope it does not happen to you.



I do not know how the criteria for being "disabled enough" to get benefits; maybe it varies in different locations. Maybe the agency requires a report from a therapist about what disability you have.



I would still like to know what happens when you find out about when you start the job, and also know about how it goes when you begin.



Big hugs.

I finally heard from my job again. I'm supposed to go to my job site at 1:00 PM on Monday for on-site training. Presumably I'll start working the day after that. At my previous job, I worked together with someone for two or three days and then the next day did the job myself - I'm guessing this will be a fairly similar situation.

Oh at last.

I don't like waiting around without knowing whats to come.

Well at least it is moving along and you can get on with things.

(my seedlings are sprouting so I am over the moon - I feel like a new mum )

We went up to about 25 Celsius today. It might make it to about 27 tomorrow.

Then, Sunday, it won't make it past 10.

Spring in NYC!

That is great news! I was hoping that you would hear back about your new job some time soon. Just try not to get too nervous; I think you will do well. All you have to do now is just get thru the weekend. How are you feeling about starting the job? I will be eager to hear how it goes. Good luck!



By the way, how are things going with your therapist & your group therapy sessions? I only ask because you have not mentioned it for a while; I am just curious.



300 big hugs.

I'm more impatient than nervous at this point, really. I suspect it will be a fair bit like my last job, only I won't have customers asking me about things I know nothing about since it isn't a retail store, which helps - I think I know pretty much what I'm getting into with this. I really just want to get things over with and get started actually working.

I've been done with my group therapy stuff for a while - sorry, I thought I'd mentioned that at some point. Things have been going about the same with my individual therapist - I really need to work up the courage to say something to him about the constant small-talk and sidetracking, because I feel like we aren't really accomplishing anything because of it, but like we can do better if he makes an effort not to do it, and I think he'll probably listen to me if I just say something.

I am sorry that you are impatient about the job, but I completely understand. It is frustrating to wait a long time to start working at a job that you were just recently hired for. I am not good with customer service either; at my job, I do not really mind if someone just needs help finding something, but I hate it when customers ask me for help with the public computers or the Xerox machine because I do not know anything about them at all.



Do you think your new job will be easy? Do you think you will make any new friends on the job? Making friends is extremely difficult for me; I get along well my co-workers, but I do not really consider them good friends, and I never spend any time with them outside of work.



I did not know that your group therapy sessions had ended; were they not working out for you? I still think it would be a good idea to find a new therapist, since your current therapist is not any good. Perhaps things will improve with him if you say something to him; maybe he will understand.



Enjoy your weekend, and best of luck on Monday. 300 big dragon hugs.

Yeah, when I was cleaning a retail store, people would constantly be asking me where things were, and I only knew very general locations, like where shoes, men's/women's clothes, etc. were - I had no idea if the store carried most things that were any more specific than that, let alone where they'd be. And then people would want me to call someone who did know with a radio they didn't give me since I wasn't a store employee, or expected me to know where someone who did know would be, which I didn't - aside from the customer service desk and the cash registers, which were usually busy, the employees would wander the store, so I didn't know where they were. I was always afraid I'd upset customers by not being able to answer their questions or direct them to someone who could, but I didn't know what I could do about it. I'm so glad I won't have to be dealing with that anymore.

I'm not expecting my new job to be too challenging, although I'm a little worried that the time I'm given might not be enough time for me to get everything done, since I'm a bit slow but very thorough. If it's anything like my last job, I doubt I'll make any new friends - usually no one else from the company that employed me was at the building (the only time I ever saw my manager was when she hired me, and when someone else took over as manager, I never actually saw him in person. I'd only ever occasionally see someone who had a shift immediately before or after me during the holiday season, because otherwise there was a gap of a few hours between shifts, and there was only ever one person cleaning at a time), and some of the store employees would say hi to me when they saw me, but we wouldn't ever talk much more than that. But that's all right, I don't really want to have to manage close, in-person relationships right now in addition to everything else, and I truly am happiest alone.

I'd gotten to the point that I was just hearing repeated material in the group therapy sessions and I wasn't getting much out of them anymore. It wasn't something that was designed to really be a long-term thing, anyway, it was only really intended for people to go for a few weeks. As for individual therapy, I'd really like to stick with this therapist if I can because he knows me pretty well by now and also primarily works with people who have neurological disorders like autism, but if I do make it clear that I don't feel like we're making much progress because most of the time we have is taken up by small talk, catching up, and sidetracking and things don't improve after a few more sessions, I'll probably start looking for another individual therapist, because I'm getting very frustrated by the lack of progress.

Big dragon hugs back to you