Venting because I am confused about my past *abuse trigger*

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Hello. ***Trigger Warning*** This is a huge dump because I am fed up with my existance. What I am writing in this post is ridiculous but it actually happened to me because of my mental illness and apparently problems with society. I am an extremely mentally confused/vulnerable person and can't seem to find closure on these stories I am disclosing and I am dealing with some kind of ptsd and have been unable to get proper therapy. If you have any insight please share. -.-

Half a year ago I have gone off medications and ended up in an emotionally abusive online relationship again. This toxic relationship really messed me up and I almost met this guy who was a criminal domestic abuser. At the same time also another guy locally used me sexually and dumped me for another girl. This has me extremely triggered and angry lately. It seems every where I go I attract emotional/sexual predators and tragic situations. What is wrong with me? I have become a shut in again for fear of this happening again. What the heck do I do now? Anyways I am moving on to the main story that has been tripping me up for the past 8 years.


**Recalling this is disturbing so please do not read if you think this might trigger you**



8 years ago I went to a university art college where a few lecherous and cruel professors manipulated and harassed me while I had problems with social isolation and integration with other students. I was not registered for my autism and mental disability at the university which was a huge mistake. I have led an extremely sheltered life to the point that before I went to college, I did not have the positive life experiences/milestones to feel happy about myself and how to deal with what came next. I also had nobody to confide in about these things for fear of being humiliated and judged more as well as selective mutism and communication issues with my aspergers.

In 2010, I was 20 and my family started to have issues. My mom got me to transfer to a public university from the community college I was comfortable at. Before this point I started having problems with self image and lack of purpose and severe anxiety from my parents trying to get me more independent such as driving to class etc. I have also been put on and off psychiatric medications of all kinds over and over and it has messed with my head.
My mom signed me up for a semester in a single dorm where I broke down mentally and had a kind of toxic online relationship with a guy who would have me listening to him ranting for hours on end. I found it very hard being socially isolated to get out of the negative loop and go out to find activities with other students.

At this university I felt completely isolated and misunderstood and I ended up following a main art professor from that semester who also ranted like this online guy. He came off as insane and manipulative. He enjoyed having power over me as well as humiliating me over the 2 years. This completely destroyed what little self esteem I had left over and over. This showed in the way I dressed and carried my self. I was a very pretty girl in grade school, and completely let my looks go because I felt ignored and unappreciated.
Over time I found out him and other studio art professors I had also had sexual affairs with students and the prolific erotic art he made about it became clear to me. The back and forth drama between these professors also confused and scared the hell out of me and I felt like I was put in the middle of it. This included him, his ex wife and 2 previous students who became teachers there. Call me paranoid but what I experienced was real despite the fact that it drove me completely out of my mind.

At the time my mind was completely snapped over this and I retreated into drugs and a fantasy world to deal. I believe I made a few posts related to it on this site under a different name which did not make sense because I was losing my mind with the crazy-making abuse and looping in my own head about it with nobody to confide in. I did have one girl who reached out to me and enjoyed my company however I was afraid of confiding in her. Anyways I had a downward spiral for 2 years overdosing on drugs/alcohol and ended up in a mental hospital.

I am not sure why I kept going there and taking their classes as I was completely scared out of my mind and started thinking maybe I was schizophrenic (as other students and those professors implied to me) and in a nightmare. Not even my own parents believe what happened to me as the memories frighten me so much that my entire soul burns when I start looping. To the point where I am almost constantly burning inside. This has completely destroyed my mental and physical health to this day. I cannot eat and I cannot find peace.
I am torn up over the fact that I did not report and record the abuse which could have had had an impact on that college. I am also quite upset that my parents did not try to help me the entire time I went there and even deny the abuse and blame me for making the choice to keep going there. How is that supportive for a person with special needs? They sheltered me from the outside world and sent me to the hands of abusers which made me mentally ill?

Recently I got off psychiatric medications and started to process and make sense of these memories. I took the matter into my own hands and wrote a report to the university detailing my memories of the abuse. However I doubt they are taking me seriously and this happened 6-8 years ago and the way I write, maybe they just decided to ignore it and blame me for being crazy. But I do pray for the sake of the young students that they put an end to this and reform the college's teaching and ethical practices. I know I have mental health problems but this was not just in my own head or a conspiracy against me. It was a pattern of toxic behavior and abuse.

Anyways I will keep going because this other piece is somewhat related. A few months after I had been in mental hospital, my mom (who completely ignored the fact that I made it clear that I needed to report this abuse and deal with it with therapy) helped me to get a job through vocational services. I got job training through a big company warehouse and my outlook began to get better and more positive and my health improved.

Just my luck at this job an older male superior was quite sweet and flirtatious on me and I was quite attracted to him as well. I know this was inappropriate but he made me feel really great inside as he was the first guy to ever actually flirt with me a lot such as touching and sweet talking etc. This was also very wrong and dumb of me because he was married but perhaps it was an irresistable emotional attraction. Of course nothing could become of that and it was really dumb of me to feel that way.
A year into the job my mind began to negative loop again and go back to my time in uni. My depression came back severe and my self image was awful. I thought I was ugly and unattractive for after meeting this man I went on dates with guys and they tossed me aside after taking advantage of me. I was guilt ridden from this weird little thing with this man and the past attachment on abusive teachers and abusive online guys freaked me the hell out. I ended up having a complete mental breakdown again and just stopped showing at the job. Maybe this whole thing was not appropriate but I am still quite fond of the guy.


idk what I am even asking for in this post. I am just dumping hoping some one will listen and believe me. Perhaps I am not as crazy as I thought I was. Perhaps the world is crazy and there is no justice. Did I ask for all this to happen?
I have been thinking of suicide as I cannot deal with these thoughts and I am in physical pain. What is wrong with a society for this kind of stuff to happen to someone like me? Am I the problem? Are my own thoughts the problem?

My life is not all that bad but it is horribly lonely. My relationship with my family has suffered because of these events. My brother is also an domestic abusive drug addict living with us and it triggers me regularly. I don't really have any close friends irl anymore. Everyone is distant. However we have had some nice things happen since then. We moved to the beach to get away from the stress of the city. Some people helped me get an art show and I made some very nice paintings. And I have been getting out more to parks to get photos for future paintings. However being hung up on the art school has really destroyed my drive to paint any more. I feel so guilt ridden and ashamed of my self and negative thoughts consume me daily. I do not want to become a ranting monster like those professors I had, or those online guys. Am I a horrible person for being this negative, guilt ridden and depressed? I really don't wanna be caught up in this mental nightmare my entire life. I don't wanna end my life this way.

I'm going to a therapist soon maybe I should print this for her to read.


Thanks for reading if you have any insight on what the hell is going on please share

btw this post is also related
viewtopic.php?f=32&t=292309&p=7917792#p7917792
also related
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It is important to share what happened to you and how you feel about it.

Firstly, don't blame yourself. You're not the problem here. You've been lonely and perhaps a little naive but that doesn't mean that it was your fault. The fault is entirely with the people who have taken advantage of you, and it sounds like taken advantage of many other people as well.

It takes a tremendous amount of courage to speak out. There are no doubt people who had issues with the same professors who haven't been able to show the courage you have by sending a letter to the college. Hopefully if other people show the same courage then some justice can be done and you have done your part in helping that process. You should be proud of yourself for speaking out.

I don't know you personally but I believe you. This story isn't uncommon. This shouldn't have happened to you. You are strong to have taken on all this pain and by seeking help and speaking out you're starting the first steps to not letting the pain control you anymore. You'll be ok, you're on the right path.

Thank you for your support NorwichGeorge. I am glad to get this off my chest finally

Hello southy333, sorry you've gone through all that.

I agree with NorwichGeorge that you haven't deserved all that and that you were brave to speak out; well done. Hopefully life will gradually get better but it would good if you could get some counseling on why you're attracted to that type before becoming involved with anyone else. There are some interesting youtube vids on the subject.

GACH! Flashbacks to my childhood!

No worries, though. I believe you when you say how messed-up you feel about events in your life. I had a rough time of it myself -- abuse, abandonment ... more abuse -- but I am here to tell you that it can get better.

I had to go through a time when the only person I could rely on was me -- no parents, no siblings, no relatives, no friends (no one I could trust, anyway). I hated the world and everyone in it. When I finally got out of homelessness and "back on my feet", things started turning around for me, albeit slowly.

Your life CAN get better! Just keep going, no matter how much it hurts.

You do need therapy, and you are not to blame for what happened to you.

I come across as a salty old broad who others better not mess with, but I also have been taken advantage of, although not as badly as you are reporting. I agree with Fnord that things can turn out ok for you, just keep working on getting your self-esteem back. Eventually you will figure out the romance/sex thing and stop being a victim. Therapy will help.

Family can be supportive but they can also be destructive. Just be aware of this, and don't allow their thoughtless or unkind words to stick in your mind.

Its good your getting therapy. Thats a step in the right direction. When I was in my late teens I used to sleep around to fill a gap in my life. I later felt ashamed and down on myself for being a slut. I actually went crazy from it and didnt go out ever for fear of running into one of the people I slept with. Actually hiding away for a while gave me time to put things in perspective. Then I had to get therapy which helped a great deal. I think therapy will help you. Good luck and take it easy on yourself.

Thanks for your support guys. I understand I have a tendency to rant and say everything I think of and it's an aspect of my mental illness. I posted a rant about this subject on Reddit also and people are replying calling me a schizophrenic. However I am not a full blown schizophrenic. I do not believe anyone imaginary is commanding me, neither am I hearing voices or seeing illusions. I do have a thought disorder and psychotic depression tendencies but not full blown schizophrenia. Hopefully I won't. I have been praying to God tbh helping me for guidance. Schizophrenia is not what I want in my life. I have a painting talent that I want to use to bring positivity to the world, not negativity that has built up inside. I am starting to feel much better hopefully I can keep this good feeling in my heart and not a burning feeling. Fixating on all this sad story is making me burn inside I do not want to end up in a mental hospital for speaking my mind and kicking the hornet's nest. I just wanna feel happy again like when I was a child.

Any ways here is the Reddit thread.

https://www.reddit.com/r/ucf/comments/8 ... tudio_art/

I might have to delete this thread btw, if I keep talking about it online I'm going to get into trouble. But I just feel compelled to.

BTW guys. I am terrified my parents might send me to a mental hospital. They told me if I keep going on like this about this story that they will send me for the rest of my life I am pretty scared rn and idk who to talk to irl about this who will listen to me. I just know what I saw and felt at the college was wrong. The situation may have been a result of my mental problems but I know in my heart it was wrong. I am not a school shooter btw, I really don't wanna end up locked up for life when I could be out travelling the world and making beautiful paintings and bringing love and joy to people. I just wanna end this tragedy. I am terribly sorry about all this. I hope God will help me resolve all of this I am so sorry to God for betraying his intentions for me and following this tragic path in the past. I pray for a better future than being locked up for life

Are your parents rich? unless they are they are going to find it very difficult to put you in a mental hospital because of the cost of running those things, a lot of them have been closed down. They are also geared to getting people out into the world again as soon as possible. So while a stay in one might be difficult, they won't keep you. Some people find they help. Which country are you in?

I made the mistake of reading the comments following a youtube vid last night. I haven't done this for months and it reminded me of why I stopped. Some people are nice, some intelligent but most people use those things to put down other people. Isn't Reddit similar?

I don't know very much about schizophrenia but when people told me I was Aspie I thought they were wrong because of all the false info they said about Asperger's. Sometimes people get one bit right and everything else wrong. I would post a question in that section asking about schizophrenia from people who have the condition. Either you will identify and get the right help or you will be reassured that you don't and peoples accusing you of being schizophrenic won't be as upsetting.

Thanks, yeah I don't think they could actually send me to a mental hospital. The last time they did they put me on drugs that made me worse mentally and I got no therapy. Also I do not think they can afford any kind of mental hospital or program not associated with social security. I think I am starting to feel better after getting everything off my chest finally and I think I am starting to heal. I am not sure wether my mental state is actual schizophrenia but I do not hear voices or see things. A disability lawyer said I have depression with psychotic features, as well as thought disorder which is just looping thoughts that can be disarmed by socializing with mentally stable people.

I do subscribe to real world political conspiracy theories due to my past experience/witness of ethical corruption. I am also quite sensitive to subtle energies though (like other people's negative or positive energy around me) and sometimes indulge in fantasy and spiritualism to feel better about life. And I cannot deny that drug abuse and prescription drugs, as well as social isolation, abusive/non inclusive social environments, and a dysfunctional/abusive family unit I have to live with has caused me serious problems. Perhaps I am coping in the only way I know how which is having an inner fantasy world that gives me comfort, rather than dealing with my screwd up family and the real world full of predators and psychopaths who see me as a lone target.

I just need to purge the inner world other toxic/abusive people tried to give me cause it's not a reflection of my true spirit as a person. Perhaps once I rebuild my inner world into loving energy and peace, finally resolve the abuse and patch up old wounds, I can start to try to live again and go out and be myself around other people rather than this depression/mental illness mask. Thanks for your support