Past my breaking point - Sick of this planet
30 Jul 2018, 12:18 pm
Hello everyone,
after coincidentally meeting an Aspie, I managed to self-diagnose me after 29 excruciating years of torment, guilt and unanswered questions.
School time was terrible. Lost of bullying, changed schools frequently, good grades except PE and anything mathematical (that Aspie mentioned above suggested I might have dyscalculia as well). My mom doesn't get me, doesn't listen, and the rest of my family doesn't care. My father recently threw away my dearest childhood toys without asking. Yes, I'm an adult but that still hurts.
Four years ago I moved to another country to get married. Not knowing my diagnosis at that point. My husband then turned out to be in great financial dept, an alcoholic and he became abusive verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically violent towards me. I left last year and moved back in with my mother, who now has a partner who doesn't understand me either. He tries to "correct" my behaviour by disciplining me. One time he was making steaks and asked me whether I wanted to eat mine with them or cook it myself later. I didn't want to eat it with them because it's always noisy, the stove, the fan above it, cigarette smoke, my brother. It's awful. Her partner is a trained chef, so I asked if he could please cook it and I'll have it later by myself. He said he wasn't gonna "waste" an 8 bucks steak on me because letting it get cold would ruin it. They didn't leave me anything. Not raw, not cooked, nothing.
For the past three years, something has changed. Around that time, I my husband had turned violent and I found myself living in a shelter for a month in a strange country with no possibility, so I went back to him. I've had severe depression my whole life, but this has been different. I have NO energy whatsoever. I can't cook or clean, sometimes I can't shower for days. Doctors have tried to prescribe antidepressants but they've always made it worse and I had to stop taking them. I am now on Lithium Carbonate but that only takes the edge off of the worst anger I've ever felt in my life.
Now to the actual problems:
1. I have been trying to get formally diagnosed, but my psychiatrist won't do it, and he won't refer me to anyone who could except one facility and the waiting time is 6 months. Instead of putting me on that waiting list, my mom has insisted I contact another doctor, but that one has been giving me the run-around for the past 2 months without getting anything done.
I have diagnosed myself using the Autism Spectrum Test and scored a 36. I have also used the List Of Female Asperger Traits from help4aspergers.com and scored 39/44 traits. I have done a lot of reading, and after being misdiagnosed 6 times by the NT doctors and consequently none of their treatments being successful or answering questions, I have never been more certain in my life that this is the correct diagnoses. And yet I can't get diagnosed, let alone find any kind of treatment to help me.
2. I can't handle this world. The sensory overload is pretty bad by itself. But it's the people I can't handle. They manipulative, backstabbing nature, their very selective empathy...it's like they can just turn it off and completely ruin you without flinching at any second. I am so terribly alone. I'm crafting positive interaction. And yet every time I try, the most awful brutal cruel things are done to me. I know I can't change this world, but I can't live in it either. I don't know what to do.
3. Upcoming deadline. I have moved back to my home country. I still have contact with my husband, who appears to be the only person who at least somewhat understands me and is willing to put up with me. But can I ever trust him after what happens? In less than two months I'm supposed to attend an immigration interview with him in his country to secure my status. If I don't show up, I can't return. He says he will be devastated. I also have a cat that I need to get paperwork ready for if I travel over there, and even more paperwork if I end up having to take the cat back home with me yet again. That, plus the uncertainty of my marriage, plus the immigration interview, plus the long flight....I don't even have the energy to deal with any one of those problems, let alone all of them at once. I have no idea what to do.
Please skip the part where you express sympathy. That won't help me. If you have any good advice, any strategies on how to cope with this toxic, impossible world then please write those instead.
Thank you.
30 Jul 2018, 4:32 pm
Hello SpectralPumpkin, welcome to wrong planet.
A diagnoses is important if you don't know whether you are autistic, but it's not going to make much difference if you are certain already. Almost nobody understands anything about autism including doctors so be aware a diagnoses is not going to get you much help or flexibility.
Talking to others on Wrong Planet on the other hand will either confirm your belief or give you some idea of which direction you need to be looking to for answers for the problems you have been having. Either way, you are no longer alone.
In the mean time, no, do not go back to your husband if he's abusive. He's probably making some effort now, that's because he knows he has to to get you back. Once you're back he'll go back to being his worse.
Depression sucks, I've just come out of stretch. My point being, you will come out of it.
I think you mean the cat is where you are now. Solution: keep the cat, dump the husband.
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30 Jul 2018, 7:08 pm
You are under a lot of stress. It is important to find and learn tools for relieving that stress. Some Aspies have indicated that certain types of therapy are very beneficial. Therapy targeting fear and stress such as programs that treat PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) help. These include somatic experiencing, beam life coaching, Tipi emotional regulation therapy, and exposure therapy.
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30 Jul 2018, 10:10 pm
A diagnoses is important if you don't know whether you are autistic, but it's not going to make much difference if you are certain already. Almost nobody understands anything about autism including doctors so be aware a diagnoses is not going to get you much help or flexibility.
Talking to others on Wrong Planet on the other hand will either confirm your belief or give you some idea of which direction you need to be looking to for answers for the problems you have been having. Either way, you are no longer alone.
In the mean time, no, do not go back to your husband if he's abusive. He's probably making some effort now, that's because he knows he has to to get you back. Once you're back he'll go back to being his worse.
Depression sucks, I've just come out of stretch. My point being, you will come out of it.
I think you mean the cat is where you are now. Solution: keep the cat, dump the husband.
Hello Fluffysaurus and thanks for your reply. I understand that depression in many cases is just a phase and eventually passes by like a cloud. I'm afraid that in my case, I've been depressed as long as I can remember, with the occasional spot of sunshine when there was hint of perspective in my life, though I'd say that easily 90% of my life are made up of moderate to severe depression. It's gotten worse over the years, the last three years being exceptionally harsh. No physical symptoms for my weakness were found, and doctors have told me that my body is simply shutting down because my mind doesn't want to go on. This is no exaggeration, this is literally what they said.
As for my husband, I hear you all and under any given situation I'd agree with you, it's just that he also happens to be the only one who seems willing to put up with me. My family wants nothing to do with me. My mother has said that I get in the way of her relationship. There is no place for me in this world other than maybe with him.
31 Jul 2018, 4:06 am
There are places for you in the world, but it will probably be more helpful to work on the stress and ASD issues first. Abusive people like your husband are good at being nice when they want you back, but there's no reason to believe he will change. I think he's also hoping you'll think you won't find anyone else. Is it really so bad being alone, at least for now? I've been in relationships like that, and in retrospect I can see that I was shaming myself too much for not having more of a social life. What a got was a lot of abuse and people who enjoyed stressing me out, disrupting my routines, adding to sensory stimulation, etc. Once I looked at myself and realized how much fun I truly have alone, while still being open to the right relationship if it comes along, I became much happier. This guy will derail your life--at best. Your mom also sounds as lousy and self-centered as mine. You're obviously very capable and powerful. You already have everything you need in life. The reason why you feel otherwise is because these broken people need you to keep believing that.
08 Aug 2018, 7:16 pm
Thank you again for your responses.
I've given the things you said about my husband some thorough thinking, and you're right. It is hard to see things clearly sometimes when you're stuck in a situation like this, so thank you for pointing things out.
While I do appreciate the little changes he's made (cut down on drinking, read books on anger management and codependency), those are not the drastic changes that would be necessary (quit drinking, professional help, therapy), and he's made clear that he is not willing to take those steps.
Most recently there were more examples confirming his behavior,
1. I have founded a gaming guild for people on the spectrum, shared my excitement with him, and he said I was being cruel for making him feel jealous and excluded. This is not the first time he tried to make me feel guilty for deriving happiness from a social source other than him.
2. In one email I asked him if he thought we could ever work things out. He responded that he had 100% faith in us. In a later mail, he said that he felt very iffy about me coming back. Well, which on is it? He literally goes from "You're the best wife ever" to "You've been nothing but mean to me from the start". Can't rely on a word he says. I know that's probably the codependency, but these are no grounds for a relationship.
I am still waiting to be officially diagnosed. My depression is worsening daily. Is there anything I can do in the meantime? I'm dying, literally. I feel like there is no place in this word. My family doesn't want me around and I have no friends. I know I won't ever function. Beyond the struggle with noise, hectic and chaos, it's people that I can't handle the least. I can't change the world and I can't make myself not have Asperger's. I feel like there is no solution to this problem and that I'm just wasting resources and space.
09 Aug 2018, 12:20 am
after coincidentally meeting an Aspie, I managed to self-diagnose me after 29 excruciating years of torment, guilt and unanswered questions.
School time was terrible. Lost of bullying, changed schools frequently, good grades except PE and anything mathematical (that Aspie mentioned above suggested I might have dyscalculia as well). My mom doesn't get me, doesn't listen, and the rest of my family doesn't care. My father recently threw away my dearest childhood toys without asking. Yes, I'm an adult but that still hurts.
Four years ago I moved to another country to get married. Not knowing my diagnosis at that point. My husband then turned out to be in great financial dept, an alcoholic and he became abusive verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically violent towards me. I left last year and moved back in with my mother, who now has a partner who doesn't understand me either. He tries to "correct" my behaviour by disciplining me. One time he was making steaks and asked me whether I wanted to eat mine with them or cook it myself later. I didn't want to eat it with them because it's always noisy, the stove, the fan above it, cigarette smoke, my brother. It's awful. Her partner is a trained chef, so I asked if he could please cook it and I'll have it later by myself. He said he wasn't gonna "waste" an 8 bucks steak on me because letting it get cold would ruin it. They didn't leave me anything. Not raw, not cooked, nothing.
For the past three years, something has changed. Around that time, I my husband had turned violent and I found myself living in a shelter for a month in a strange country with no possibility, so I went back to him. I've had severe depression my whole life, but this has been different. I have NO energy whatsoever. I can't cook or clean, sometimes I can't shower for days. Doctors have tried to prescribe antidepressants but they've always made it worse and I had to stop taking them. I am now on Lithium Carbonate but that only takes the edge off of the worst anger I've ever felt in my life.
Now to the actual problems:
1. I have been trying to get formally diagnosed, but my psychiatrist won't do it, and he won't refer me to anyone who could except one facility and the waiting time is 6 months. Instead of putting me on that waiting list, my mom has insisted I contact another doctor, but that one has been giving me the run-around for the past 2 months without getting anything done.
I have diagnosed myself using the Autism Spectrum Test and scored a 36. I have also used the List Of Female Asperger Traits from help4aspergers.com and scored 39/44 traits. I have done a lot of reading, and after being misdiagnosed 6 times by the NT doctors and consequently none of their treatments being successful or answering questions, I have never been more certain in my life that this is the correct diagnoses. And yet I can't get diagnosed, let alone find any kind of treatment to help me.
2. I can't handle this world. The sensory overload is pretty bad by itself. But it's the people I can't handle. They manipulative, backstabbing nature, their very selective empathy...it's like they can just turn it off and completely ruin you without flinching at any second. I am so terribly alone. I'm crafting positive interaction. And yet every time I try, the most awful brutal cruel things are done to me. I know I can't change this world, but I can't live in it either. I don't know what to do.
3. Upcoming deadline. I have moved back to my home country. I still have contact with my husband, who appears to be the only person who at least somewhat understands me and is willing to put up with me. But can I ever trust him after what happens? In less than two months I'm supposed to attend an immigration interview with him in his country to secure my status. If I don't show up, I can't return. He says he will be devastated. I also have a cat that I need to get paperwork ready for if I travel over there, and even more paperwork if I end up having to take the cat back home with me yet again. That, plus the uncertainty of my marriage, plus the immigration interview, plus the long flight....I don't even have the energy to deal with any one of those problems, let alone all of them at once. I have no idea what to do.
Please skip the part where you express sympathy. That won't help me. If you have any good advice, any strategies on how to cope with this toxic, impossible world then please write those instead.
Thank you.
If your husband became violent, please don't go back to him. It was not an accident. He made a choice to be violent because he thought he could get away with it. The way a lot of abusers hook their victim is they play in to their victim's emotions. He will give you that validation you want and might become the man of your dreams just long enough to real you back on so he can be violent again. I would stay where you are where you and your cat are safe, and seek out counseling.
09 Aug 2018, 12:38 am
I would have found it helpful to hear what country you are in now. Considering how profound your depression is, a stay in a hospital while meds are prescribed and adjusted might be very beneficial for you. But that advice might be totally wrong depending on the health systems where you live.
Please don't go back to your husband. I agree with everyone else here. Someone who will abuse you once, will abuse you again, and sometimes these relationships end in murder. You are safest at your mother's house, for now. Later, as you achieve acceptance about your autism diagnosis, you might be able to arrange other housing in your current country. You might also find other people, both autistic and neurotypical, who can understand and support you the way most others have not.
I'm glad you have a cat. I and many other autistic people find pets very soothing. Good luck.
_________________
A finger in every pie.
12 Aug 2018, 10:46 pm
Please don't go back to your husband. I agree with everyone else here. Someone who will abuse you once, will abuse you again, and sometimes these relationships end in murder. You are safest at your mother's house, for now. Later, as you achieve acceptance about your autism diagnosis, you might be able to arrange other housing in your current country. You might also find other people, both autistic and neurotypical, who can understand and support you the way most others have not.
I'm glad you have a cat. I and many other autistic people find pets very soothing. Good luck.
Hello and thank you, BeaArthur,
yes, cats and people on the spectrum seem to bond quite well from what I've seen and from personal experience. I am currently living in Germany. Over the past decade I was in stationary psychological treatment 4 times, of which most were unfortunately quite traumatizing. The staff was incredibly disrespectful and incompetent and the constant exposure to other patients with all sorts of different problems were very counterproductive. I've heard similar, independent complaints from other people about the same facilities.
I am trying my very best to find treatment somewhere, anywhere, both inside my country and abroad, but the waiting lists are 6 months to a year, if they take new patients at all. Because of the above experience I am very reluctant to ever subject myself to stationary treatment again, and I do insist on someone specialized or at least suitably equipped to deal with Asperger's simply because all previous treatments have proven to be a waste of time at best and extremely misleading if not dangerous at worst.
I feel that time is running out. I can't do this for much longer.
13 Aug 2018, 4:19 pm
Well, here is a concrete suggestion. Don't try to find treatment for autism, per se. Because it's rare and has long waiting lists. (wouldn't hurt to get on one, though.) Instead, request treatment for depression, anxiety, and PTSD (from an abusive relationship). Or even one of those.
I also encourage you to use this forum as a source of support and guidance. Be careful, we have a few people here who can make you feel worse; but many others who may help you.
I wish I could give you more advice on assistance in your country, but I can't. We do know that stationary treatment (I assume that means in-patient or hospitalized treatment) has not been helpful, so you want to avoid that. Find some therapy as described in my first paragraph, and connect with autism people here and maybe in your community. Stay out of your mom's and her partner's way as much as possible to reduce friction there. I am wishing you the very best outcomes.
_________________
A finger in every pie.
13 Aug 2018, 8:35 pm
In the meantime, get yourself on the waiting list to be assessed.
Time passes whether we like it or not and that appointment will never arrive unless you get on the wait list.
_________________
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 155 out of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 57 out of 200
AQ 41
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