Very lonely and depressing time of my life

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As of lately, I have been going through a very lonely time of my life right now and it seems to be getting worse even though I have friends to do things with. Most of them live far away and aren't always available as a result.

Other things going on:
1. I left my last synagogue because they were not accepting of me. As a result, a married couple who I was talking to just ghosted on me and I thought they were my friends.
2. My last close female friend who I did thing with abandoned me 4 years ago and I haven't had anyone to do things with since like go out for tea
3. The people at work are seeming to also stick together and support each other while seeming to shun me and punish me for every little thing
4. I have no relationship with my family and fell out with an aunt who turned out to be really crontrolling, abusive and destructive.

So I am really depressed and they say it's affecting my duties at work and I can't lose this job.

Hi. u have ample reasons to be depressed. and giving u the standart cheery rant about it wont help, so i omit that part. personally, i'd allways find my needs in this or that online game. there can be enough filters to protect urself, and also, bustind things might help with frustrations. well, helps me. if i may, i'd say a religious community that does not help it's member is kinda of defeated purpose. please dont take offence. they should not abandone u, it was fundamentally wrong by them. as to people ghosting out, i had written about it somewhere - they might be ashamed that u suffer, and they cant help, so they hide from u. which is also wrong, but its what people do. losing people u care for, hurts. losing a social group u belong to hurts tenfold. we get attached to people, to ideas, we get this hard. what can i do to make u feel better?

It's mean that that married couple ghosted you, I'm Jewish too but non-religious. There's a famous multimillionaire entrepreneur from England called Alan Sugar who's also Jewish and was bullied by other Jews as a child, and grew up in harsh poverty. I just thought I'd tell you because I think people can let others down sometimes, when they should know better. You would think us Jews being a minority in the world, and one of the smallest races and religions, would always look out for one another but obviously that isn't the case.

It's possible to make friends on here sometimes. I've added people from here on Facebook and met some face-to-face. Chances are there will be people on here who live close to you so that's one possible avenue for making friends.

Sorry you are depressed, Summer_Twilight. You really deserve better than what you've been getting lately. Do you go for walks?

Markis, no but I will think about that along with changing my eating habits. Yes, I also agree that it was very mean of that couple to stop talking to me and inviting me over. When that husband shouted at his wife and I to "LEAVE," I sort of wondered if they were going to dump me and they did. They were always preaching at me about "Not getting offended" but this or that. Yet, that husband got offended at shouted at everyone and was often very rude because "Things were not working out for him." To be honest, though, that entire congregation thought they were more important and seemed to think they were above anyone who didn't fit their mold. Especially the rabbi, who would not let me be myself and nor would he let me join their music team because he wanted me to prove to him that I socialized more first.


Serpentari, could you find me some good guided meditations?

I am currently looking into a few sliding scale low-cost counselors and I was going to one that was a student clinician at a university psychology clinic but they decided to drop me and prefer me to a different counselor because though I was making progress, I was still stuggling. However, that student counselor had some very goofy theories along with being trained to put me into a little box.
1. I wasn't allowed to talk about things over and over again and she kept interrupting me. "Let me just stop you right there."
2. She believed that my ex-friend who dumped me and pulled all kinds of nasty things on me wasn't the one haunting me but rather it was my "Mental ex-friend and that I kept allowing that mental image to get bigger." She hardly ever let me revisit the hell that my ex-friend put me though.
3. She told me that though I am denying myself the right to be angry, writing fake letters was dangerous because it made me sit with the anger. Rather, it was better for me to calm down.

I am hoping to find a professional who will help me get to the root of the anger and the bad memories and not cut me off.

Depression is the result of stress and trauma. The effects of trauma are cumulative. As an Aspie, stress and trauma surrounds us like the many layers of an onion and permeates us even to our very core.

In order to eliminate depression, one must deplete stress and trauma from our being and this will allow our bodies to heal and return to an unstressed state called homeostasis.

One method to accomplish this is to learn self regulation techniques as described by somatic experiencing. I would recommend a book by Peter A. Levine called "In an Unspoken Voice".

jimmy, u are partially right. but partially not. primary reason for depression is, off-key neuromediators production. as in, lacking endorphine in ur bloodstream, u will feel like death. no matter what. low quantity, and u react to every minor stressful situation with extreme magnitude. then, there is the overall emotional acuteness of aspergerians and the accumulated stress and trauma. then, the critical amount of sustained emotional damage, that triggers endorphine sinks. of cause we are all different. in me, endorphine production is quirky as hell. something along my life must have busted my hypotalamus, resulting in overall oddages of system regulation. not a common case, yes. but for what i understand, aspergerians do have a higher probability of such issues, temporary or permanent. so well, main thing here, every depression ends. there will be reprieve. just gotta manage to get to it.

I feel you

Sorry to hear you are going through this.

You need to find a counselor that understands Autism. Maybe even someone who primarily helps kids, because autism is a "children's disorder" that isn't treated when one becomes an adult.

"You can be yourself" is a lie. Plain and simple. You know that.

You may be able to "be yourself" in the presence on another person with autism that understands you, but not with "normal" people. The inability to be yourself without big repercussions is the obvious cause of your depression.

I have been able to be myself around normal people and especially those in the mental health field. However, I am sick of not being allowed to by myself around certain people. Because of it, I have been-the "Outsider" and the "Odd girl out." Whenever I talk about what's going on, it's through the grapevine and then they get upset and wonder why I didn't "Come to them." Hello, they don't listen and instead act tyrannically with me by pointing the finger at me.

With the rabbi, he sat me down and told me that my mannerisms like with the pacing, flapping, nervousness etc. are making too many people uncomfortable. "I know you can't help it but I feel that if you feel like that go in the back and do those things until you calm down. (Knuckle bump). I know you want to be involved but in order to fit in, I want you to fit into the mold we have in place. You will come in here and do what everyone else is doing but if you feel upset grab one of two members and talk in the back" (He really said that to me).

I left several months later because I had wanted to join the music team so I can sing but the rabbi would not allow that. No, he said that he wanted me to "Socialize more" first. In the meantime he wanted me to clean up after lunch which he thought was a great area for me.

On top of that, the people there were cliquish there anyway and left me out and often made their plans with other people in front of me all the time. When I went to talk to the Rabbi and his wife, I was told I needed to work on myself.

In that case it sounds like the Rabbi wasn't accepting of you and wanted to control/change you. Try to move on.

i think not acceptive doesnt cover it. its plain abuse. though, well, i have reduced my kinetic and any stimmings at a yong age, because society i live in wont have it. to a point of, nobody knows what happens even. its a black zone. scattlebutt is, its changing last years, literally, but well. still black zone. if u live somewhere, where people are aware, then they sure as hell cant hide behind ignorance. and abusing u is wrong each and every time. "i know u need to, but dont" is just despicable. when people are uneducated, acting xenophibic can at least be understood. but when they know... and a PRIEST!! !! of all things. its just against everything a religion should be about. as to others there, they are not to be excused, but they'd just follow the priest's lead. its a nature of people, if the alpha states something, others would comply. i wont tell u to get over it, because its not an easy thing to get over. it will take time, and probably, help. i'd like to help if i can. i am recovering from such occurance myself, here, but im kinda further. still hurts. xenophobia is something i just.plainly.hate. comes with the territory, i guess try to stand tall, and never let anybody blame u for ur nature. it is fundamentally wrong.

When I first left the synagogue, I thought I would be happier but I think this is the first time I have come away angry. It makes me so angry because when I first attended, it was run by another rabbi who was much more accepting and I even shared things in common with. Then he stepped down and this guy took over as a deacon. Before that, he was very sweet. After he took over, his true colors came out.

Attendee-wise, there is this woman there who was a single mom who was one of those clique keepers who still behaved like Regina George. She thought she was more important because her brother is famous though she just works as an administrator. Did she ever think she was superior to me by isolating me from my other peers who also left me out.

well when weak, incapable people get in charge, it gets nasty. they just deep inside know they cant pull it off, they dont have the character, so they think taking on someone vulnerable would strengthen their position. of cause, it doesnt, but they dont get the wiser. standing up for another, that takes something. something they dont have. and yes, its pure hate for people i havent seen, but i so have seen their alikes. i strongly relate with u. i think many people here, and many allistic people who are just shy and thus, fall in the bracket with us, relate too. it happened to me at a job, it happened to me many times. this doesnt make it easier for u, maybe. just know, u are not alone

Do you live in a big city? If so maybe there is some kind of social group you can join. Even if you don’t make any close friends you can still have some social interaction.

an online game provides that, without the nesessity to deal with people having problem with stimming and such) much, much easier^^ can do stuff, hang out or simply talk. some xenophobic (bad word) will pop out, but evading them is also easier. thats what i do for social contact) thats how i have friends.