Rants

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Trusting ppl born before the 80’s is difficult.

why the f**k do i gotta be 160 cm to visit that place?

go f**k you then

FML

TTW

FIA

going to self harm now

f**k everything

self harm is inconvenient. u have to cover it up after.

I know what it is like to lose a pet.

That said f that guy for comparing the loss of his rabbits to the loss of someone's granddad.

It's not that I feel like I'm particularly close to him. Never met him in my life. But someone might be scrolling Reddit after their dad or granddad died and find that comment. Or be informed of it.

They really do want us to hate them. Well good cos I do.

And Reddit has all this fake attitude too so I can't even call him what I want to.

I ought to be mourning Stevie right now. Not putting up with arguing with that little zombie.

I hate it when I go on '7cups' and someone in a group chat says something about taking their own life; >_< bloody h-- ! >:I ,does that make it difficult for the ones who are less about 'seeking attention'.

Hence understanding what the neurocognitive definition of *attention* is important and it's not one of those topics you can 'I don't care' about knowing the meaning of and will be at a loss for, as if you say didn't know what a metaphor was.

Am considering buying an ice cream sandwich to relieve anger.

Saying ~'..we never stop being children inside'. Is shortsighted. Very shortsighted.
__
Stop thinking about 'haves' and have nots'.

I'm just annoyed with myself. So don't mind, really. This is far from serious, far from any consequence.
This rant may or may not make any sense.


Just why can't I just be 'balanced'? Why clung on various sides of myself? Why 'know' both sides?

Why can't I just pick a damn side of myself and stick with it?
Why do I have to be aware of my egotistical self? Why do I have to be aware of my enlightened self?
Why do I lack the heart to choose 'right' yet have enough heart to do 'wrong'? It isn't even a trial of temptation, it's just... A chaotic mess. The very mess why I don't like being human, while a side of me acknowledges and accepts the whole fact -- just why is this??

Why is being human had to be complicated? It's like the inversed version of being a stranger to one's self, and more or less willing. Or not. Sometimes it's not.


Why is it that a side of me is just worried or afraid, while a side of me is certain that everything will be alright without fighting the another, and a side of me could careless really for whatever reason even if it knows something is just wrong.
Why is that I'm aware of these sides of myself and why did I even bother knowing from the beginning? If so, why not throw the thought away, and why would I? And how is it that I just know this? How and when did I exactly knew this?

All I could recall is that I know what I want, I know the world at large isn't at fault, I know that humans being humans, and the very best away to take the environment as is without much stress.
Oh, right. Because I don't confuse internal and external stuff... No matter how much I tried to ignore or take it, I just kept 'reading' and 'knowing'. As much as I do not have hearing filthers, I don't have internal filters...
It's easy to mistake this for self-absorbing or overly self-assessing -- as is easy to mistake someone for an unwilling listener when one have auditorial processing disorders.
And... Unlike external stimuli, it's not easy to explain. It might not be expressible at all!

Yes internality mixed with abstract thinking inclinations is a blessing and a curse. An even a better blessing and an even a worse curse than how autism is a blessing and a curse.
One could think I'm rambling mad in my mind. Or not, just imbalanced for a more physical and/or developmental reasons didn't helped. To me this is just... Temporary. Everything is just temporary to me when it comes to this, even if anything else seems the same. But no, I just keep sensing certain internal subtleties that no words could seem to explain it.

It is easy for me to say -- I'm pissed because XYZ! Because it is, in my mind and heart. Plain and simple.

But... I cannot say that; 'I act and feel like a pissed off person on impulse, yet my mind seem to be calm about it, and a side of me is just scolding myself from acting pissed off as I shouldn't and I could see where this XYZ is coming from, then an urge to say sorry but I was held back with the lack of knowledge or possible ways to confuse people if I end up with a sudden change of mood, etc...'
Why can I just filter this into the most basic of all forms? But then again, like my hearing, I just hear everything at the moment as much as I 'feel everything' at the moment.





It's just... Right now, likely at this hour, I'm annoyed with myself. Annoyed with my thoughts, annoyed with this kind of awareness -- just as how one couldn't seem to tolerate external stimuli and would rant about it who or what's been doing it. I'm annoyed at being a human.

But unlike external stimuli... Is it... Is it possible to 'shutdown self'? Become... 'Blind' on bits of one's self? Can I ignore other factors that might put me into such thoughts and state?
And no, I don't want to go to sleep, I'll just let this pass.
And no, I already tried meditation, I already tried having my ego beaten down by the third party, I already tried holding my breathe so to speak -- they're all temporary. Most bits of me, good and bad, all temporary in a sense it is dysregulated. Sometimes one would scream, sometimes one would just hold it's silence when I needed it the most. And it's annoying. Just annoying -- even this emotion and this thought could pass.

I already can see myself that might read this later with apathy, confusion, embarassment, or laugh the whole thing off -- or whatever, even if I could clearly remembered that this is what I feel and think when I wrote this.

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Is it just me? Audi indicators. I loathe them. Radio? Oh be quiet. Public displays of affection - boke! Unfathomable posters near railway stations. Wtf? Mothers of 'water babies' singing nursery rhymes in cutesy voices when i'm relaxing yet within earshot. Aargh! Drunk people talking shite and slavouring nonsense. Modern music (generally speaking). Management, union reps, unemployment advisors, obscene cash in football. Late night weekend trains after sporting events. I will stop now. Thank you.

Coming to terms that you are mentally ill and have to be medicated and given therapy for it is the hardest thing I can deal with.

I just feel like I'm being pressured by everyone around me to do something with my life. I am working 40 hours a week, and for the most part on my own. But I am being pushed by my mom to either get a job with better pay than what I have now or go to college. I loathe change and and I loathe disrupting my routine. I just...want to go at my own pace, and sort out what I want/need to do for my far future. Thinking about the future puts so much pressure on me.

Stupid judgemental people staring at me just because my hair hasn't been washed for a few days. I tied my hair back so that I didn't look all unkempt, and it didn't look awfully greasy, just a little bit. It's because my hair-dryer has decided to stop working and I need a hair-dryer to dry my hair because otherwise it seems to look unattractive when I let it dry naturally, as I have very thick hair. So I had no choice but to miss out a hairwash until I got a new hairdryer, which I got today. Dry shampoo doesn't seem to work on my stupid hair, it just makes it feel more oily. I put powder on my hair and brushed it out, which did make it look less greasy, but people seem to notice these silly little details and have to stare. Why? Why are people so bothered about a stranger's hair being a little bit greasy? How do they know what's going on in my life? Why can't people just mind their own business? I wanted to enjoy my shopping trip today, but instead I ended up feeling self-conscious, and I nearly had a panic attack when the bus was late because I just wanted to get home, away from the prying eyes of people. I don't know why there has to be a certain dress code and a strict rule of looking perfect when you go out in public. If you think about it, I'm just one out of several thousand other people in my city. All the thousands of people are diverse; rich, poor, old, young, fat, thin, foreign, native, black, white, homeless, disabled... So with so much diversity, you wouldn't think I would stand out just by having hair that hasn't been washed for a few days. It's not like it's that uncommon among young women to have oily hair and have gone out without washing their hair for one day. As long as you look like you care enough by tying your hair up nearly in a bun, rather than having it hanging ungroomed and tangly, then there shouldn't be any reason why people should stare like you got two heads. It's a shame "if you don't like what you see, look the other way" isn't an unwritten rule among the population. I'd rather stare at a cute guy than some girl with greasy hair. Wouldn't you?

Self conflict. Of thoughts and emotions. Of all angles and inclinations, on my own beliefs and disbelief, on my own knowledge and ignorance, on my own experiences and inexperiences even.
I just wanna untangle myself, maybe find something...


There are few things that are more than certain;
One, I'm not suicidal and I don't hate my life. Unless my mom dies or something, I have no plans running away from my current life.
Two, I don't hate the world at large. Though sometimes I'm angry enough to hate it... Otherwise, I have no real grudge towards the world.
Three, I'm not socially and emotionally deprived or needy. Not now and never then, don't need 'reassurances'.
Last but not the least, this isn't bipolar or borderline. Or any psych issues speaking -- depression would be the most likely among the category, but not as likely as, say, the bowel, the womb, or my head and breathing during or because of sleep. But it is certain that I'm not as lucky as I had been since last year when it comes to gambling hours worth of time for restorative sleep. When I end up having good sleep jackpots? There are fewer to no dysregulations, and actually truly in control of whatever the bowels or the womb do against me.


So...
Can I debate myself here?

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Why are stupidity and ignorance always accompanied by hatred?!