I am finally trying to get help, things are worse than I rea

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Having a ruff night, first week of getting help and finally figuring out what has been going on with me my entire life. I am happy I am figuring out why I struggle but I am just getting help now. It's easy to type it, like I can hide behind the keyboard, it gives me tons of time to think about what words I should use to describe whats going on. I analyze the words to try and find the most acceptable way to say it, because describing them feels alien to me. The information is coming in too fast. I am horrible with knowing what to say, especially when emotions get involved, like I hit a brick wall and try very very hard to figure out what I should say but then I think about what other people would say and just repeat something I have heard because it feels like it fits. If someone gets hurt its a struggle just to say "Are you O.K." like the words don't connect at all and I feel like I am just saying it to please that person because that's how people act its whats expected, and I avoid the situation as much as possible, whether they smile, cry, whatever it is I avoid it. I don't know how to hug, i don't know how to kiss, I am unable to comfort others, my ex, my daughter, my father who just had his leg amputated, i just say what I think people would expect someone to say and it still comes out wrong. I told my dad a few days ago that he should find a person missing the other leg and they could split on a pair of shoes, I thought it was funny and felt appropriate to me, I mean it's true, but he got very quiet and said he had to go shortly after, I think it bothered him. I am glad I am finally getting help now and hope to get some progress cause this just continues to get worse and worse. The more I compensate and fit in the more depressed and anxious I get. When I have to be around people I call it "putting on my face" cause I try to imitate what others do to fit in so I can actually last at a job. My longest job was 5 years and that was only due to working alone at night installing and configuring networks and PBX's in dental offices. After that it was all mostly under a year and they all ended up bad. I can't make eye contact and I make people uncountable just by looking at my face sometimes. I gotten good at dealing with the eye contact and bright lights by using sunglasses, I've made that work, it hides the fact that I am unable to look anyone in the eyes. But between my work and relationships, 4 family members is all I talk to but they are all distant and they seem to talk to me less and reach out to me less every year to the point where it is me and my daughter now that's it. Mostly everyone has wrote me off as a weird loser, a cycle I have been living since I can remember. It's weird I can remember a time when I was young, and I don't remember feeling as different as I do now but I remember no one hung out with me, the torment and bullying was endless and even some of the teachers let it go on. I sat in corners, got slapped in the mouth for talking to much in the library (catholic school) and was considered disruptive but not in an outburst way. I would help kids and tell them how to complete the work correctly. I was accused of being on drugs more times than I can remember starting in 7th grade and I didn't even know what weed looked like, they always tried to figure me out in their own way and I just had to prove them wrong constantly and defend myself. I don;t understand why this happen, I was an honor student and considered gifted my entire life. I had my GED and was in college before my 17th birthday. I am lucky to have 1 friend who accepts me for who I am but hes really quiet and I don't shut up. Things are not going good right now at all.I have another appointment on Tuesday, then every week after that until further notice. I need a connection, I am tired of feeling alone in the world, but I don;t know where to start having a relationship with anyone and be myself without losing that person. I can't even cry about this, I feel the pain but I can't cry, but I have no issue crying to movie scenes that are not sad. Anyone have any advice, thoughts? Where do you start? Next week is next week, I have to be around people before that and I have another business relationship crumbling, I guess I suck around people.

Feeling a little better this morning. Last night I was so focused on the number 900 when I was setting up QOS on a firewall that I made a mistake and all it needed was a power cycle to fix. in my head i thought I had typed everything, my focus has been going to dirt the more I isolate. The idea of having to interact with someone threw me into an instant anxiety/panic attack. And it's just the idea of trying to communicate with someone else, the fact that I have to call them is enough for me to hide cause I feel so alien sometimes. Anyone have any good anxiety management tips to get me by for a few days? I have tried breathing and the usual first line anxiety techniques, but my brain always makes me flick my hands and wrists over and over, which end up driving my focus back to a computer and focusing on intellectual activities. I read my post before and I feel ashamed for some reason. Like I am whining and sounding like an idiot. The fact that I am saying this today, even online to people i will never meet, is the biggest step I have taken yet. These core differences I have fuel my depression with high-test racing fuel cause I don't know how to deal with these situation, I know how other people deal with them but it makes absolutely no sense to me. I have become very resourceful when it comes to blending in.

All I can say is keep going to therapy and maybe they can give you tips to try to cope. Unfortunately having autism can lead to depression because of the struggles we face.

Its interesting that you mentioned sunglasses. When I was in college I wore mirrored glasses.

These glasses were similar to those worn by motorcycle policeman. These were sunglasses that had a perfectly reflective mirrored finish. I found it to be very interesting wearing these. It was almost like I was invisible. No one could see into my eyes. It was like I was in a box with a one-way mirror. All that anyone ever saw when they looked at me was a reflection of themselves. Normally I never look into people's eyes; an Aspie trait. But when I wore these glasses, I found it easier to look them right into their eyes. I could walk right up to their face and they couldn't see my eyes. I suspect most people found the glasses intimidating when they looked at me. But I didn't really care, because I felt free of their stares.

Sunglasses shield the eyes, which limits the other person to assess the response of the user. This is an advantage that police use, by not letting the other person see their response and feelings. Sunglasses also shield the actual position and action of the eyes of an individual, through which police can easily view their surroundings without giving any indication to anyone.

Psychologist Paul Ekman, an authority on facial expressions, says that of the 23 facial expressions relating to human emotion, about one-third involve the eyes. Shades may slightly obscure your view of the world, but they also hide the world's view of how you are feeling.

Not being able to see a person's eyes greatly reduces our ability to infer his or her emotions. For example, telling a fake smile from a real one can be difficult, but if the smiler is wearing shades then detecting the sham smile is almost impossible. In a real smile, a muscle called the orbicularis oculi is activated, creating a hard-to-fake crinkling around the eyes. The eyes truly are the windows to the soul. The eyes, eyelids, eyebrows and orbicularis oculi muscle play a major role in projecting emotions and the degree of emotions.

It seems like NTs are always misinterpreting Aspies intentions. They look us in the eyes and imagine our thoughts. By wearing mirrored glasses we deprive them of this tool of assessing our intentions and our vulnerabilities. So I believe this may have a therapeutic value for Aspies.

Jo_B1_Kenobi (pseudonym) from W.P. wrote: “I think what you collated above was really interesting. I get people misreading me all the time and telling me they know how I'm feeling when they don't have a clue. The sunglasses might force them to listen to my words and not just look at things on my face to get my meaning. I think this would be more accurate.”

There are different types of mirrored sunglasses. For one they come in a variety of mirrored colors. Red, Blue and Silver are common. A mood analysis of these colors indicate:
* Blue is peaceful, tranquil and symbolizes loyalty. Blue is reliable and responsible. It exhibits inner security and confidence.
* Red is intense, stimulates a faster heartbeat and breathing. It makes the wearer appear heavier. Does not help people in negotiations or confrontations. Attracts attention.
* Silver reflects back any energy given out, whether it is positive or negative. Silver is respectable and courteous, dignified, self-controlled, responsible, patient, determined and organized. In color psychology, with a balance between black and white, silver is seen as a good critic, unbiased and compassionate with a mature sense of justice.

Therefore selecting the proper color for the glasses can be important because you are projecting a mood into the eyes of the observer. So based on this, I selected a blue mirror coatings because that is the image I wished to project.

These sunglasses are like one-way mirrors. The outer coating of these sunglasses reflect light but the interior of the lens can also have tinting. The tinting of these glasses can be dark producing true sunglasses or can be non-tinted minimizing the loss of light reception. Therefore this type of sunglass with no interior tint can be light enough to wear indoors.

The lens color information was quite helpful and now I get to look forward to new Wayfarers with different lens colors. I usually choose black, but the last few days I wore silver lenses and they seemed to be ignored a bit more and less noticed by new people in areas you do not see people wearing sunglasses. The sunglasses are one of the main reasons I am able to actually function somewhat around others. I am starting to look forward to therapy, somewhat, I still have to actually communicate with her. But she is good and her 35 years of experience in this field makes her very good at getting things out of me so to speak. Thank you for the comments and information for all who shared. Starting over doesn't seem so bad to me, after reading from others who shared experiences. I am learning that it is easier to be me than put on "my faces" and pretend I am like everyone else via mimicking NT behavior. I think I was having a panic attack during the initial post and my thoughts came out very unorganized. That and 24 hours of no sleep.