Can’t deal with the way my mum died

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My mum didn’t get to have a peaceful death. She slowly deteriorated due to a very insidious illness that caused her immense agony, so much so that even opioids weren’t enough to stop the pain.

She died young. She really didn’t want to die and didn’t plan for anything like this. She was distressed and in excruciating pain, even during end of life care. If nurses and care staff needed to touch her, it was excruciating for her and she would be crying and screaming through it all.

I’m horrified by some of the things I had to witness during her final days. Mercifully, she was unconscious during her final hours, so hopefully she wasn’t aware. Still, I can’t be okay with the manner in which she died.

She was terrified and she had so much she wanted to do before she died. She cried about how unfair it all was and I can’t stop replaying that awful memory and the feelings of helplessness and anger I felt because of it. I hate to think that she suffered so much and I can’t pretend that her death was peaceful. It really wasn’t.

I’m upset because I don’t know how I can come to terms with the way she died. I don’t know how to weather these horrifying memories. I’m furious because I feel stuck and I don’t know how to carry this pain without feeling so wounded all the time. I feel disenfranchised and disillusioned about life and I just want to scream and break things. I’m too angry to listen to anyone’s condolences, no matter how well meaning they are. I don’t want to be told that “it’s okay to not be okay”. I know that - I wasn’t asking for permission. I don’t want to be reminded of how my grief reflects the depth of my love for her - no s**t. I don’t think there’s anything anyone can say that will make me okay with the fact that my mum’s death wasn’t the good death that we were promised. I can’t be okay with the fact that she died in my home and now I am constantly reminded of how she suffered. I can’t be okay with the fact that I couldn’t do a damn thing but watch as she was crying and screaming and being hostile because she was suffering and deteriorating.

Normally the bad memories come and go, but lately they’re quite persistent, which is also affecting my sleep. I know that my feelings are normal and I’m not looking for validation. I just needed to vent because I don’t really have anyone else to share this at 1 o’clock in the f*****g morning.

Thanks for reading this. It means a lot to me that someone might have taken the time to even acknowledge how I’m feeling right now.

I am reading. Soo sorry to hear. If I had a load of plates for you to throw to get relief you could have them. Is horrible to experience.

I don't know what to say, maybe there isn't anything, but just to let you know it's been read and seen. I hope you are able to get some sleep tonight.

We don't know each others, but I'm sorry for your loss. The pain will go away eventually, it's just longer for us, I think.

None of us are promised a good death. If hospice told you they could make sure your mother had a good death, they were wrong. Hospice has a lot of tools but there are still cases when pain and other symptoms can't be managed. Or they are managed badly.

Bad things happen to good people. It's not right. It is not fair.

I hear you. I hear your pain. Keep in mind that accepting the fact that your mum died in pain does not make it okay for it to have happened.

I truly feel that people have the right to die on their terms. It's not fair when that doesn't happen. I wonder why people must suffer sometimes before they pass away.

I can understand your anger. I would be angry, too, if someone close wasn't able to die on his/her terms.

Not contradicting BlazingStar at all. What she said was true.

Thanks for everyone’s replies, I truly appreciate it. It felt good to be heard and understood.

I never expected that her end of life care would be totally serene and stress free, but I wish it wasn’t nearly as upsetting for her as it was. I think about what she was feeling during the whole thing and how I was unable to help or console her. I don’t know how to move past what I experienced. Maybe I’m always going to be stuck feeling so helpless.

My condolences on the loss of your mum Mindblind and for the way she left, I am so sorry.
My dad died a horrible violent death, I feel for you very much so. Its complete crap to hear, I know, but you do have the ability to live through this intense pain. A therapist trained to deal with trauma could be helpful for you, it was for me with the intrusive memories.