From internalization to anger

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People have been telling me for pretty much my entire life that I'm broken. I had no autism diagnosis--it was just me... at my core... everywhere I went I got the message that I wasn't being the right person or doing the right thing. Eventually, though I technically worked remarkably well in plenty of wonderful ways, I did break down, because the world's message was too strong for my one voice to drown out, and I couldn't cover my ears to its noise.

So here I've been, broken on some level for at least 25 years, until I get this autism diagnosis. And I've slowly come to the realization that a lot of people were really awful to me. Awful like... they're the ones who are lacking empathy and have the problem with theory of mind, because if they did realize I was human, they were able to pretend I wasn't... or at least convince themselves that I didn't have the same feelings as other humans.

And that's actually not my fault. And I never deserved that kind of punishment for abruptly changing the subject or talking too long about something that was boring. Or whatever it was that I did, because I was never cruel or mean-spirited. I'm a devoted friend. I'll help an enemy (NTs call it idiocy, I call it empathy, and maybe it's really just internalization of a sense of inferiority). I'm a good person with a good heart, and somehow it wasn't enough.

But my autism did not cause their behavior. They chose how they would treat me. Their behavior caused me to develop adaptive and protective mechanisms that were so exhausting and stressful that I have only been functional for a fraction of my life.

All this makes me angry. I am very, very angry. I am so used to hating myself and being afraid of them that this state of anger is agitating. (Well, anger in general is agitating, I guess.)

Tell me where you are in your world view. Self-loathing, angry, putting that anger to good use? I know I want to get there, and I want to be an activist, but I'm pretty sure I should be angry for more than just a few days. I shouldn't just push this feeling away because it's uncomfortable and new. I have tendency to ignore issues, and it turns out that doing so hasn't been very good for me. Apparently, trauma cannot be willed away.

What am I supposed to do with this feeling? Right now, I'm depressed, and I pretty much just play an app on my iPad and watch the same television series over and over again because I know that it won't cause me any stress and doesn't trigger too many traumatic memories. Eventually, though, I do want to enter a world that happens to be a minefield of triggers. (Not the center of the NT fold, mind you, but I would like to leave the house and all that.)

I was furious for years for the same reasons. Work was usually helpful, even if I couldn't hack it for very long. Work, reading, anything creative, anything that gets you out of the city. Spending time with kind people who are good at listening. Middle age is good, somehow you start to feel yourself outside the fray and give less of a f**k.

Every moment that you can stay calm, the distance between you and all of that/them increases.

When I was younger I blamed myself for failing to fit in. Somewhere along the line that just turned to dull acceptance, and keeping mostly to myself. The autism diagnosis brought on anger, in a surprising way - when people dismissed it as a 'trend', just making excuses for failing to conform.

It took a long time to get over that, but I finally have. People are allowed to think and feel whatever they like, and I've learned to let go of my desperate compulsion to please everyone.

I relate to what you said, in feeling that you're a good person, and that others are cruel and mean-spirited. I always felt that way about myself too, but have come to accept that I have a tendency to unintentionally offend people, and need to be aware of it, and give others the benefit of the doubt. (I'm not saying that's necessarily true for you, just that it's a challenge to learn how to meet others halfway, when we're so different.)

It takes time to work through anger issues. I still feel generally disappointed with humanity, but slowly, it's getting better.

Just read your post again and get it. There are good people on this site who can probably help you channel your feelings or work through them. Hopefully you'll get a few more replies. I think that you are experiencing feelings that many people who are diagnosed later in life go through.

Thanks!

Yeah, Domineekee, I think I just have to let it out for a little while. People have fallen in my estimation, and they needed to, because that's the only thing that's going to get me out of this hole and realize that I stand on the same ground they do.

Ashariel, it's awful that people dismissed your autism as a trend. I was going to say it's shocking, but I'm actually not at all shocked, because people would rather be shamelessly cruel to a non-conformist than admit that they were jerks to an autistic person. Suddenly, they'll know way better than doctors, or screening tests, or your own understanding of yourself, even though their knowledge of autism is limited to a few things they saw on television and a handful of second-hand anecdotes. If I didn't know anything about basic human needs, I would seriously question why I ever sought the approval of these bizarre, prejudiced creatures. I can understand why it would take a long time to get over an experience like that, because approval is definitely a basic human need, and that was a rejection of you on so many levels. I'm glad you don't try to please everyone, and I really, really look forward to ridding myself of that disgusting habit too!

I think I'm still stuck in self loathing. I have tremendous anger that I let out, sometimes on here, in the topics I feel passionately for or against. It's getting less and less in real life, though.

My self-loathing is evidenced by how I treat my body. I continue to do things to advance my mind, or try and salvage my career. But, there's a severing of mind, body, etc... I treat my body badly. I am not overtly suicidal or anything, but I think not caring for one's health is self harm. I've survived so many things: trauma, cancer, addiction. Yet, I smoke, I overeat and I don't exercise enough. I'm not morbidly obese, but I could stand to lose a few. And, I could do it. I just can't seem to muster up the passion.

I'm caring for my grandchild and I love her a lot. In caring for her, I'm caring for myself a little better by proxy. Healthier meals (because she can't cook for herself), walking her too and from the bus stop (because I don't want her to get abducted), socializing a little more (because I don't want to foist my isolation off onto her), looking after my appearance (so she won't be embarrassed of an untidy grandparent). So, that's my strategy for learning to care for myself a little better and it seems to be working. I will take good care of another living being.

I wish you well, OP. We have to get creative, but I say, "whatever works!"

I really like that you're helping your granddaughter, Persephone. Your strategy is excellent. I've been trying to figure out how to care for myself, or how to want to.

I think that I also used to let my anger out on topics in that way--a lot of things that happen in the news and a lot of terrible things that people say have been so painful, and even though they have absolutely nothing to do with me, I feel these events on a personal level. Or did. Since this depression, I have asked not to be informed about the news, because it's just too much for me--too much anxiety, too many tears, too much feeling like I'm being attacked. I've concluded that it was the trauma bubbling up in its own way, but now I'm starting to scratch the surface of the trauma. Before that, it was much easier to defend other people than it would ever be to even consider defending myself, because I don't even know what was left to defend, and I don't think I realized that I could defend myself or that I had anything to defend myself against, other than myself. I could easily see injustices against others, but I had no idea how unfairly I'd been treated.

I'm not really certain that this is the best way to recover from trauma, or even if this is a way to recover from trauma, but my therapist said not to keep the anger bottled up inside, and that I should find people who would understand.

Enjoy your granddaughter and keep taking care of yourself. (And, if you're anything like me, I should also tell you to not become disheartened if you're not perfect. Getting into perfection mode is the easiest way to set oneself up for failure.) Thanks for the reply.

I got deluded into thinking I could handle the outside world after being shut in for years.
Then realized I was mistaken. Luckily there are support groups around here