I want to die so badly

Post Reply New Topic

I’ve been struggling for so long, it’s literally unbearable.

I never had a happy childhood. I spent many years being physically and verbally abused every single day. Even my own family regrets beating me up so much.

I’ve always been labelled as a difficult child. People say I’m so difficult to be around and work with, but they don’t know what it’s like to be me. If you hate me, then go away.

Even my teachers and peers have given up on me. Even my professors gave up on me.

I am so much better off dead than alive. What pains me is that I cannot get back those lost years. All thanks to me.

Maybe I should be depressed forever. I just want to scream and kill myself because I don’t want to live through another moment of this cursed existence.

There's a good reason why it's not too uncommon that major depression is so frequently comorbid among us.

The best we can do is KEEP MOVING, and not dwell on the bad things that happened to us. It would be nice to live in a world that understood us and accommodated us for our differences, but we don't live in that world and we'll never live in that world. We do have to change to work with the world than the opposite, as rough as it may be. Nothing is going to fall into your lap to make it easier, and we have to realize that the only way to make life any easier to to do the uncomfortable thing on the onset and not be discouraged away into feel-good alternatives that just make us even more miserable in the end. For me whenever my brain tells me "I don't feel like doing this thing" then the nihilistic portion of my brain wrestles with the prudent part. Nihilist me would say "The world sucks, so why bother?" but then Prudent me holds on to hope, saying "If I stay still then I'm going to feel even WORSE, so let's get started on working on this thing. Though it might hurt on the onset it will build character."

I wasted all my 20's in major depression and distractions because of nihilism and the fact that this world is so crappy I just fell away into distractions and stopped caring about anything. Do NOT be me. It might feel good on the onset but you will pay a big price later on. There is a saying in the bible: "He who sows the wind shall reap the storm". Don't let the crappy state of this world push you into idleness because that's a much harder road to go down in the end. My aim nowadays is to manage my depression and my nihilistic side and to not let it have total control over me, and for many here this is probably the best we could hope for. Just making life a little bit more bearable as to not make the word 'tomorrow' a terrible prospect. The world does suck, but don't let it fold your hands because that makes bearing it MUCH harder. You'll observe that in the moments when you're reflecting on all the terrible things that happened to you that those are the moments when you are being idle. Do NOT be idle. Burn the bridge behind you -- Keep moving.

No-one else is saying it so I will. You are loved. There have to be some people in the world who will care if you are gone. There are probably more than you think there are. Keep going. Nothing lasts forever, not even depression.

What do you like to do, Abhma?

It sounds like you need to get away from the wheel for a while and see what your life *could* be like if it weren't under constant duress and coercion. I'm not saying there's a possibility of it happening anytime in the immediate future, but it's clear that other people have had such a direct hand in mangling your life that you'd need to see yourself without their overinfluence and it's probably your best chance of any sort of turn-around.

I say that as someone who tried to kill himself several times during high school, someone who's appendix burst back in 2007 and part of me was hoping that it would take me out. I think what's given me the ballast to fight through some amazingly awful things was being reminded what my life can be like when it's under my own control rather than someone else's. A lot of what you say in the initial post makes it sound like you haven't been given that liberty so far long enough to get away from other people, establish yourself with yourself, and then come back in an order that's more difficult for them to assail.

Please don’t. I care and would like you to live. There are good people in the world and some of them are on this forum.

Ones quality of life is what ones mindset thinks ones quality of life is. Consider challenging yourself to become something different. Here's why: There are billions of people in the world some doing there own thing and others being forced to do what others want. Some find life precious and others get to point where you are at and a lot of people haven't formed any opinion. In some sense you may be better off because you realize you hate your situation. Giving up is easy. It takes a lot of personal persistent effort to move to a place where you get a life that you can enjoy. There are far more people struggling economically than millionaires. Many people struggle to improve their life economically and then this pandemic thing happens. Millions of people are devastated financially, emotionally, mentally, etc. There will be some who access the current landscape, revise their approach and struggle once more to improve their life in the new normal. Why do people keep struggling instead of giving up as you propose? What would happen if 30 million unemployed people decided to give up on life on the same day and kill themselves? I think the multitudes who will continue to struggle in spite of the odds against them during this unprecedented time of tragedy bear testimony to hope that it is possible for anyone to eventually get to a place where life is bearable even after great tragedy outside their control such as this pandemic. This current pandemic is an epic event probably unrivaled in modern history. It is also the ideal time to rise from the ashes of a ruined life together with millions of others and do something different that may improve your life. Volunteering opportunities abound - a way to radically change your life experiences depending on what you choose to do. I have realized recently that everything I've been given in life is a gift. For half a century I lived ignorant of this truth. I regret almost everything I've done in life. I am an utter failure in everything I hoped to achieve. I regularly cycle through "I don't want to live". But none of these thinking help me appreciate the gifts I have received. A recipient of a gift needs to have right mindset to fully benefit from a gift - the same is true in my life. Without right mindset, I would not get optimum benefit from all the gifts in my life - one thing is for sure though - I must be alive to keep receiving the gifts.

i want Abhma13 to stick around.