When I was younger, I used to be avidly fascinated with cars and automobiles, to the point I'd bring in a car magazine almost every other day, collect model cars, stick pictures of cars all over my room, and share whatever I knew with my family and peers, even though it did mildly irritate them. I knew I was never like the rest of the kids at school. While they wallowed in doing normal kid things, I was doing some big boy things, of which I was particularly proud. People noticed me, some took awe in that fact, others didn't, and that's completely and totally okay.
I simply couldn't fit in with any of my peers. Back then, I had a reputation for being a tad too rough with my peers, which they were upset about. As a kid, I didn't think anything of it until it was explained to me how it was harmful to act and behave in such ways. This all did alienate me from the rest of my peers. You can't expect a child as young as eight to fully know about the ways of the world, but you can definitely guide them on the right path.
It's already clear I'm suffering from a quarter-life crisis. I feel beaten down, stretched thin, passed over, cheated, emasculated, exploited, unappreciated, and unfulfilled.
I demand respect and honour from the people around me, and I wish to get even against the society which I believe has unappreciated and disrespected me as another jaded washout who failed to properly establish himself. I yearn for someone who can support me, celebrate me, appreciate me, look up to me. My whole life, I've been doubted and questioned constantly. It has almost always felt that I can never truly get to showcase who I am and what I'm capable of, and instead I feel like I'm always bound by the rules of society where I have to do exactly what they want or else face the consequences.
Now I can't get my childhood back. I have no happy memories in my life. Maybe it's better to accept that this lifetime isn't for me anymore.
17 May 2020, 4:17 am
