Getting through abuse

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I have an elderly relative (my grandmother) who is a narcissist and controlling, but she's also manipulative which has lead to her getting away with abuse.

I grew up there with her and my mother. My mother was disabled and my grandmother used to abuse her. Mum was very ill, wheelchair bound and my grandmother would get angry with her behind closed doors and hit her.

What would happen is she got angry and hit my mother. I would defend my mother, and after, rather than my grandmother accepting that she shouldn't have hit mum and apologise, she would simply believe she was right to be angry with mum so nothing to be sorry about, but would be angry at me for defending mum. Then she would "punish" me by giving me the silent treatment for a week.

I could have reported this abuse towards my mum but I knew it would mean mum going into a care home, so I stayed there to help intervene. Sure it wasn't all bad times but the abuse was always just around the corner.

What was happening though is my grandmother was "getting her own back" on me by making up lies about me to people outside the home. She knew I was gathering evidence of the abuse and so in a sly attempt to try and punish me, she would say all sorts of lies, how I always cause her trouble, how I'm lazy and so on.

It's always been like she has the upper hand. Previously when mum was alive she was seen as this kind old lady who was looking after mum all by herself, while her lazy, good for nothing grandson sit's around like a layabout doing nothing. Then since mum died, she's seen as a kind elderly lady who has a grandson that does nothing but cause her trouble.

The abuse really has been beyond belief and it's the whole twisting it round at the end. For example, she tells me "Shut your mouth" angrily because I have a differing viewpoint to her. Then if I say to her "don't you speak to me like dirt". Rather than her accept she was a bit snappy and perhaps shouldn't have spoken to me in that way, she will simply focus on what I said, how what she said was perfectly fine and what I said is unacceptable.

When I've sat her down to resolve things, she has been in absolute denial about her behaviour making claims "It's all you, you keep on and on", then I show her evidence of her behaviour (so she can't dismiss it) and rather than apologise, she just says nothing and punishes me with an even longer period of the silent treatment.

Anyway, the **** really has hit the fan recently.

I had to move back there temporarily this year and I have constantly had to walk on eggshells every single day because a bout of her silent treatment for a week or 2 could be just around the corner which affects me mentally and I've ended up suicidal lots of times over it. Literally anything you say to her is twisted round and when she doesn't have control, she issues the silent treatment punishment. Once I asked her politely if she could just cover up the bread when she's finished with it as it ends up drying out and going hard. Her response was "Oh alright!! !! !" angrily and didn't speak to me for a week. That's how ridiculous it is.

One day during her silent treatment towards me, her sister came up and sensed there was some sort of atmosphere. Another day she came up to talk to us about it. I opened up honestly about things and the abuse and she totally dismissed me. In fact getting angry at me for making the accusations. All she's done since is be a thorn in the side.

I went from there to stay at a friends house because of her. She's actually trying to cover up the abuse because when I say to her about sending video and sound recorded evidence of the abuse, she won't give me any way to send it to her. I'm in no doubt that this is due to the nature of her job, she would be duty bound to report it and therefore as she doesn't want my grandmother to be in trouble, is refusing to receive it.

She's then made demands about me collecting the rest of my belongings from there with her present and I have refused because she isn't a neutral party and could cause a breach of the peace.

I will get there in the end but it's just difficult having gone through years of abuse, years of depression, lows, suicide attempts mostly because of the abuse, it's all come down to this at the end.

I’m really sorry you’ve been through all this abuse.

Your grandmother sounds like a not nice person at all.

I’m glad you have a good friend with whom you could stay.

Were you diagnosed with AS when you were young?

I know this, twisting every your attempt to resolve things into making it your fault. I've been there.
The first thing to do is getting out of the unhealthy system. Get as much independence as you can, physically and mentally. The point is, when you're strongly independent on both these planes, silent treatment does nothing to you. It stays outside of you. Your grandmother's humors are her problem, not yours.

Remember the plane oxygen mask rule - it works on planes and in mental health: rescue yourself first. Because, in both these situations, you won't be able to successfully help anyone if you don't help yourself first.
Build as much of your life as possible outside of this sick system. You need an anchor outside of it.