I messed up

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Hi. I am new to Wrong Planet posting but I have been scrolling on this site for a while. I need advice.

Last night I got angry at the way my gf was treating me (She was angry that my phone light was too bright, but she came about it aggressively) and I hit the bed next to her and ended up hitting her leg. (I was also slightly drunk). She started screaming that I hit her and got angry, and I lightly slapped her on the cheek after. She slept on the couch.

We had been talking about getting married, we been together over 6 years, but she says she thinks we are not ready if I treat her that way. She said we are back to square 1 now.. and she no longer wants to get engaged right now.

I really regret my actions. I grew up seeing my dad hit my mom and be verbally abusive. I had violent meltdowns as a child. I want to marry my girlfriend, but I am thinking maybe I’m lucky she didn’t break up with me and I should be thankful.

What can I do to make this better? We’d been doing so well until last night.

Oh dear, the best is to make it up as best you can, sincerely, so she can see that such behaviour isn't habitual and that you're usually considerate and kind. Everyone has quarrels - even couples who've long been married - and this enables both of you to reflect a little and maybe just cool it off a while. Perhaps you need to get her a really wonderful gift that says "I'm sorry" but actions count louder than gifts.

Consider if it's worthwhile for you to drink. Alcohol abuse (even "slightly" drunk) can lead to much misfortune and actions that awe later regret. I grew up in an environment where my biological dad came home drunk every night and when I was around six years old my longsuffering mom decided to leave him. I did fairly heavy drinking for a few years in my 20s but eventually decided I wasn't willing to follow the same path, and became addicted to running and hiking instead.

A heart to heart talk, possibly with a third person present that you both trust, such as a mutual friend or churchman, might also be advisable.

Thank you. I asked her if she’d like to talk later. I told her I’d give up alcohol completely. I was planning on proposing and now I don’t know what to do. I’ve also been going through depression and anxiety lately and I think that built up plus the alcohol just made me lose it. I would never hurt her, and I know this doesn’t make it much better but I didn’t hit her anywhere near hard enough to hurt her. I would assume she barely even felt it.. but it’s the aggressive attitude towards her and the fact that I did put my hands on her..

She has to trust you again. Not something you can just push a button and it happens. It might take time. Put yourself in her shoes. Six years isn't something she will simply walk away from but it hurt her more psychologically than physically.

I wish you strength in your quest to regain her trust.

Thank you. She said she still wants to me by girlfriend but she isn’t ready to be my wife.

I'm glad for that, at least. Better than her breaking up with you.

I hope you are more careful next time.

For your own sake, whether this relationship lasts or not, you might want to look into an alcohol treatment program and anger management classes. That will give you a feeling of accountability to third party professionals.

I agree. I still feel terrible and I feel like our relationship immediately took a turn for the worse, but it’s only been not even a full day since it’s happened. I feel so awful, and I think maybe she is right. Maybe we aren’t ready to get married because of me. I’m only 25.

Houseboatz will need to do more than this. Giving gifts after a violent or semi-violent episode is actually a very common behavior on the part of abusive partners; it's a standard part of the abuse cycle.

He'll need to show not only that he's very sorry, but that he's actually taking concrete steps to change himself so that this never happens again.

To Houseboatz:

If your partner is willing and the two of you can afford it, it might be a good idea to seek out couples therapy, preferably from a therapist who is also knowledgeable about adult autism.

It sounds like you and she both have difficulties communicating with each other and would benefit by learning how to be assertive without being aggressive. Perhaps she and you could both benefit by learning the arts of assertiveness and active listening?

(On my website I have some lists of online tutorials that you and she might find helpful, on (1) assertiveness, (2) active listening, and (3) giving and receiving constructive criticism. Also, if your girlfriend is NT, it might be a good idea to encourage her to learn an autistic-friendly variant of the "Nonviolent Communication" methodology to help her communicate better with you.)

EDIT: Isabella's suggestion of "an alcohol treatment program and anger management classes" also sounds like a good idea -- perhaps both you and your girlfriend should attend an anger management program?

Question: Are you "out" as autistic with your girlfriend?

We talked. She told me that she’d forgive me as long as I promise to never do it again, this is my final warning. And she said she wants to go to couples therapy before we get married

That's great to hear. Hopefully you'll find a good therapist who is knowledgeable about adult autism.

That's good news and I endorse what others have said/suggested, particularly Mona. It might be worth your while never to touch liquor again. Some people can't handle it in even small quantities as it makes them more aggressive than usual.

It would be useful to know whether she's on the autism spectrum too. Perhaps you could suggest it but not force the issue. It helped me a good deal in my own instance, as my BF and others understood me much better after I had been diagnosed. I've had to make consistent efforts to overcome my own occasional tendency to violence.