What caused your depression?

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Not really depression, more schizophrenia but oh well...
A little guy called dopamine decided to proliferate in my head.
And then I refused treatment for as long as I could put it out.

I'm not going into all this, but don't be surprised if I just up and kill myself some day, I can't say when it will be because it's a random thing that's bound to eventually go down. I've tried to kill myself 7 times already, one time which I should have suceeded because I took half a bottle of remeron and some anti-depressants with my drink, threw up stomache acid and somehow didn't even need a hospital visit (that was maybe 3 or 4, possibly 5 yrs ago).

Snake321, don't do it! You can find stimulation here! Just PM me if you want to talk; talk to me as much as you want about anything you want to at all for as long as you want to!

I'd have killed myself too but I'm too damn stubborn. I'd rather run naked, annoy the world, and die by death sentance rather than kill myself.

Things that depressed me? Let me see...

1. First psychotic girlfriend, left me because she was almost raped by gym teacher and she hated guys afterwards.
2. Second psychotic girlfriend, left because I had AS and couldn't receive emotional feedback.
3. I'm a virgin. I hate hormones. I hate sex and am very confused....yet stimulated.
4. My family thinks AS is a bunch of bull and they treat me bad for it at times.
5. Half my family practically dishoned me because I was weird when I was a little 6 year old.
6. Adults HATED me when I was little. It was disgusting (they still do when I show my AS and love me when I don't show it. F*CK them.).
7. Having lots of talents and I'm not motivated to realize them, makes me more depressed.
8. Sociol life is always random and dependant on how depressed I am.. not much socialness there.
9. My only great friend since 3rd grade has become a pimp and drives me insane all the time. I ain't no pimp. Dog, leave me alone.
10. All my relationships with people eventually turn bad...I have to live with that everytime I meet somebody I like.
11. I feel more as I get older and hate people more as I get older.
12. I'm over analytical and notice small stuff that bugs me....doesn't help.
13. Stuff I do always turns bad.
14. When I want everyone to leave me be, things get worse and they get worse on me.
15. Everytime I turn around, some new sh*t that happens I have to deal with.
16. Can't get a girlfriend..don't know why. Coincidence doesn't beckon me.
17. EVERYONE I meet gives me attitude or looks. Maybe it's getting harder to hide my anger and AS.
18. There's something beautifully sweet and depressing about the stuff I'm really interested in. Doesn't help.
19. I've had my intilligence insulted only to prove them wrong and have everyone hate me for other reasons.
20. Losing my sanity little by little, getting hard to fight it, but I'm stubborn....it adds stress.
21. Constant headaches, stomach aches, and migranes.
22. knowing nobody understands but my mother who raised me, who has a lot of problems on her own.

Well, whatever..

This could be therapeutic, I hope..

- Loneliness, a sense of badly wanting to share life with someone, but being too intolerant of others, or just too afraid to really try.

- Having a strange pattern of ability, being good at some things and hopeless at others.

- Not knowing what i can achieve, what goals are practical to set for myself, not knowing what i should expect, what i can change and what i cant

- Low self-esteem and generalised anxiety

- feelings of being quite different or odd, but nobody seems to think i have any real problems, i just need to try harder at stuff..

- a constant feeling of wearing a mask, acting out to please others and not being able to be myself

- a constant state of tension, especially around others

- a feeling of cynical bleakness about society today, the action and motives of others, and how so much about life seems to make no sense, yet nobody else seems particularly bothered.

Just a few of my thoughts..