I'm falling apart

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I have been trying to get back into therapy for the past year, but the agency has just been giving the runaround. They set me up with a case worker who then quits and I have to start over with a new onw who then quits and so on and I'm getting nowhere. The last guy who quit called me and said he's back but then I called and left him messages twice and he never responded. I'm losing my mind. I just give up because they are clearly only going to continue to waste my time.

I have abnormally low testostrone. I went to a men's clinic a few years ago to get treated. I had to pay over $2K out of pocket because insurance wouldn't cover it. I went to my appointments for a number of months but still saw no change at all, and then the treatment got interrupted when quarantine started. My psychiatrist prescribed me antidepressants that gave me erectile disfunction. I stopped taking them nearly two years ago but I still have ED. I tried using Viagra. It helped, but even on it my erections still only half as strong as they used to be.

I am obese. I current weigh 285lbs. (roughly 130KG) I often feel my back and joints aching. The my abdomen bulges out down the middle and there's a bulge in my belly button like its being pushed out from the inside. Every time I try to eat healthy or commit to an exercise routine my depression kicks in and ruins it all.

I work full-time and attend grad school, and it has been difficult. This should be my final semester and I should graduate in December. I am very overwhelmed. I found out that I don't need one of the electives I'm taking to graduate, so I decided to drop it. I enjoyed that class and did not want to drop out, but it required me to do a lot of group projects and in-field observations and I just had too much going on. The professor agreed to let me drop but I still have to get the college to approve it. I submitted a request but it's a week into November and I still haven't gotten any response, which defeats the whole purpose of why I decided to drop in the first place.

I work as a teacher assistant and my take home pay is only $1,200, which is very low in the US. I can't afford decent insurance or out-of-pockets costs of any medical care. I live in a room I rent in someone else's house. Her dog hates me and won't stop barking whenever I'm home so I never get any peace or quiet. My car is a mess. My bedroom is a disaster. I have too many toys and comic books and I don't even know what to do with them all anymore.

When I was a toddler I was beaten by my father. He lost his mind when I walked in front of the TV and my mother had to act as a physical barrier and take a beating to protect me. He nearly drowned me once. My mother took it upon herself to decide for me that I am a Muslim without my consent and at age that I couldn't even begin to comprehend what that meant. She married a Libyan man and moved me to Libya, where I was not allowed to leave for 13 years. She said it was to keep my sister and me safe from our father; but she always talked about how much she hated America and how glad she was to be in Libya, so I'm skeptical as to her true motives. Within just a month of moving to Libya, my step-father's cousin raped me. I was raped again a year later in school, and molested and sexually abused on various occasions since then.

My step-father is a complete a-hole. He constantly put me down and belittled me. If I got %98 or %99 in school, all he did was berate me for months for not getting %100. He constantly made sexist and racist remarks like "don't listen to women; they don't know what they're talking about" or "getting invaded by Europeans was the best thing to ever happen to Native Americans". Whenever I tried to learn to drive, all he did was berate me for not already knowing the very thing he was supposed to be teaching me, often making remarks like "it's so easy even those stupid Sudanis can do it." Because of him, I didn't get my license until I was 30.

Libyan society is heavily gender-segregated. I went to all-boys schools. When family friends visit, there are separate guest rooms for the men and the women. I was rarely allowed to interact with girls outside of family at all. And I never learned how to talk to girls at a developmentally appropriate age. When I returned to America and went to college, just being in the same space with women was a new and strange experience for me. For years I still had stupid religious ideas in my head that I shouldn't date women, but rather I had to find an appropriate woman to get married to right away.

to this day, the rest of my family still all live in Libya. While I do not have citizenship or resident status there and couldn't go there even if I wanted to. Because of this, I have been isolated and on my own for the past two decades of my life. At times I was unemployed and homeless and had nowhere to go and nobody to turn to. My sister and her family moved to Ohio some years ago, so I moved there to be with them. But things didn't work out and they had to return to Libya, leaving me in a pickle for most of the following two years.

When I was in college, O met my ex-fiancé. I was never attracted to her, but she was the only woman who had ever wanted to be with me and I felt desperate. What followed was two years of emotional abuse that included gaslighting, isolating me socially, and tearing me down psychologically. I later learned that the patterns of behavior she exhibited were consistent with narcissistic abuse. Over time I grew isolated until I only spent time with her and her core group of friends. It got to where I was afraid of going anywhere, doing anything, or buying anything without her approval. I felt like I was walking on egg shells all the time. And after I graduated from university, I was struggling to find a job. I did not have a vehicle or license. And this was in 2008, when the recession hit and it was very difficult to find a job out of college. She broke up with me over the phone in a very cruel manner, calling me a bum and a loser and comparing to me junkies and deadbeats. And her and her flying monkeys continues to belittle and berate me, telling people that I was abusive. I had a complete mental breakdown, and whoever she didn't turn against me I pushed away in my deranged state. I lost every friend I had save for one. I was devastated, because I knew that no other woman would ever want to be with me ever again. I planned to kill myself, but my mother talked me out of it by saying that things will get better if I give them some time. That was over 12 years ago and still nothing has ever gotten any better. I was unemployed and homeless several times since then, and no woman has wanted to date me or have sex with me in all these years.

I'm going to turn 40 on my next birthday. I missed out on sex and romance when I was in my 20s and 30s, and now it's too late. I'm old, out of shape, and unable to function even if I did find someone. When other people age, they still have many milestones to look forward to: watching their children grow up, graduate, get married, and have grandkids. But it is already too late for me to experience any of that. At this point, anything good or exciting in my life is far behind me, and the only thing left to look forward to is the downhill decline towards death. What will happen to me when I'm too old to work anymore, and I have to money to pay for caregivers and no family to take me in? I believe that I will eventually hit a point where I'll have no option left other than to end my life.

Right now, you are on the bad side of your crescendo. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It might not be easy----but the first step might be to at least clean your bedroom a little bit. I know how you feel; I don't like to clean, either.

I never had kids, either. I'm 60 years old with no kids. I have nephews---but they're not in my life.

I hope, at some point, that you feel attraction towards a woman over 40; it would make life a lot easier for you. I felt attraction for people of that age even when I was young. I'm married----but if I wasn't, I've seen 40 or 50-somethings i wouldn't mind dating.

Additionally, it's not impossible for a man over 40 to have relationships with women under 30. It happens all the time.

I'll probably get a frustrated, angry response from you at this point. But think of it this way: at least I care a little bit---enough to be a pain in the butt, a thorn at your side.

By the way. I no longer have a prostate. I can't get an erection. Even if you can't get an erection, there are many ways to satisfy yourself and a woman.

I'm frustrated, but not angry. At least not angry at you or any other people. I appreciate that you're doing your best to help. Part of my frustration is that it feels like nobody can do anything to help me.

You're 60, so its natural for you to find women in their 50s attractive. Its not that I can't imagine myself ever being happy with an older woman at some point in my life. Its that I missed out on sex with young women when I was young. And now I never will. You got to date and have sex with young women when you were in your 20s and 30s. I never did.

I may be able to do things that don't require an erection, but that doesn't change that having intercourse is important to me. And now that will never happen. That there are other things I can still do does not help me feel any better. Again, even you can't now you still got to when you were younger. I never did.

One of the ways my ex abused me was by withholding sex. She had me perform oral sex on her, but never did anything to reciprocate. According to my therapist, that was a way to hold power over me. So the idea of future relationships being similar does not sit well with me.

I wish you could get a civil service job dealing with special needs kids in the public schools. You would get excellent health insurance that way.

I work with special needs kids in a public school and all I make is $1,200 a month. And would have to use some of that to purchase insurance and it wouldn't be good insurance.

I'm sorry you are feeling so rotten dorkseid. I've been in similar pits before and they suck. At times like that, for me, the most well-meaning care can just make me feel worse. I want someone to understand where I am, not try to fix things.

I see you have posted in Haven and this is the place where we are supposed to provide support and care and not advice.

So, just to clarify, did you want just care and comfort? Or, are you open to suggestions, and if so, what kind?

Blazingstar knows her stuff.

If you’re going to grad school, you can be a full teacher in your local school district. All that’s usually required is a bachelors, and getting your masters within 5 years.Most of the time in these teaching positions, you get excellent benefits and civil service protections. And they sometimes pay for grad school tuition,

TBH, I don't think any advice or suggestions can help. The only thing that would work at this point is if I could just stop caring, and I just can't.



Not in Oklahoma. Teachers' pay and benefits are atrocious here.

Btw, my current student load debt is $170.000. There is no way I'd get paid enough as a teacher anywhere to make it worth my investment.

I'm sure they are much better in various cities further north. Which cities have you looked into?

There are times when one is feeling so bad, suggestions don't help. No one here on this board can possibly understand what you have been through and what you are going through.

I also work with people with developmental disabilities. The work I do is so confusing, because it is set up by the state, of course, that it does not help me to have someone try to help me with it. It would take me hours just to explain all the ins and outs and then I know it sounds like I am trying to "make excuses," but if you don't know what it's like... ah, well.

I hope you can find some peace and some light in life, even if it is something small. Hugs.

I am 40 as well and can tell you that it is not too late. I don’t feel like there was anything I could do at 25 that I can’t do now.

Idk. Denver. Columbus. New York City. Cost of living is much higher up north than in Oklahoma.

At this point I'm more interested in leaving the country altogether.

I think itsmostly physical activities. Like I could leap down a flight of stairs or run for hours in my 20s.

I understand. Maybe you can try just taking a walk every day. I have trouble sticking with exercise routines as well, but I do try to walk every day and I think it helps.

Drink water, take walks.

So many of your issues will slowly but surely resolve themselves over time by getting yourself into better physical shape.

Can’t walk far? Walk as far as you can. Then do it again the next day, and they day after that - rinse & repeat.

Progress check in 30, 60, 90 days and I bet you’ll see measurable improvement on more than just your waistline. Depression, mental health, testosterone levels/ED etc.

Well rounded health comes from healthy daily habits and routines. Diet, exercise, sunshine, rest etc. No need to complicate things by shooting for the moon with some super complex all-in lifestyle overhaul that’ll be very difficult to stick to. Keep It Simple, Stupid. Or KISS, Keep It Stupid Simple - whatever - just KISS it better, already. Drink a tall glass of water and go for a walk, walk back to home base and drink another tall glass of water or two. Prioritize this and you’ll be on your way to healthy changes & improvements that will compound over time - a bit of a change at 30 days, more at 60, and enough at 90 days to Know that it’s worth continuing. Incorporate more complex healthy changes once this one becomes habitual.