What’s on your mind? The Haven version.

Post Reply New Topic

It's so cool how my social skills offline have regressed to the point where I literally cannot function in any given situation that involves other people in real life without being daft, incredibly meek, or both. Either way I end up feeling like I just recovered from an anxiety attack afterwards. (Sarcasm.)

Was notified I had an abnormal mammogram and need further testing to figure out what's going on, but have to wait several weeks before they can fit me in to have that done. Oddly, despite my risk factors for breast cancer, I had never really worried about it and assumed my heart condition would likely be what killed me someday. I don't want to get bad news, but not knowing is really hard, too.

^^ Big hugs from me, too. It’s so hard having to wait for testing and results. I also experienced something similar a while back, but everything ended up being okay.

^Thank-you, I appreciate the kind words. I know the stat's are in my favor for it to be benign, but it will definitely be on my mind these next few weeks ...

Is it possible to recover from PTSD because there doesn't seem to be any end in sight.

^I don't know. I wish I knew the answer to that. Though I don't think I have PTSD, even though I'm struggling with life and past events.

I feel like I'm never going to be okay and my life is never going to be okay. I'm so sad and lonely. I have a wonderful boyfriend but my need is to be attached to him at all times and he isn't that way. And I don't feel we have a completely easy and natural rapport, there's an effort to making conversation still. But he truly is great and so kind to me. Why can't I just appreciate that?

I have been crying since I woke up two hours ago. I am so distraught that I don't know how to handle it. (Not because of what I said above, but because I am just scared and helpless and I can't handle being alive in the world, and I am so sad.)

(((bee33)))

A bit better now. I heard briefly from my best friend of 40 years who has been terribly upsetting me for the last 2 years, and that made me feel better, very brief though it was (an email that was two sentences). And I messaged with my psychiatrist who suggested some change in my medications. So I took a clonazepam. And I ate some chickpeas with avocado.

I keep hearing that Canada is no longer a first world country and is becoming a third world country and it's really depressing and scary. Also I live in Nova Scotia, which has the worst poverty of the whole country.

It still seems first world to me. I still have access to clean drinking water and indoor plumbing and some degree of medical care, I have clothing to wear every day, and I'm able to buy food even if it is more expensive. But maybe a lot of other Canadians aren't so lucky.

But who knows how long that will last?

After seeing a post online that made me realize I'm more of a social f**k-up than I initially realized, I'm more screwed than I thought. I understand the general sentiment of not oversharing, but I tend to misread the room when it comes to what information is appropriate to share online once you get acquainted with someone, because what's appropriate in real life always isn't online and vice versa. To see someone on that post compare "socially handicapped" people to men who sexually assault women f*****g hurts. I hate myself enough as it is. It's likely true, though, I’ve been nothing but a degenerate predator and a loser my whole life. My behavior won't change in the future because I know I'll continue to f**k up because that's human nature, and more importantly that's how I've always been - saying I'll do better and then slipping back into old habits. Nothing about I want to do to change myself for the better matters, it certainly doesn't change what I've done in the past, and it doesn't change how I am now. I am a genuinely terrible person to be around once I show who I really am. I hate being socially damaged. There isn't a single day where I don't wish I was f*****g normal.

I feel like I'm getting further and further away from the autism community.
Like I'm getting further and further away from all the members' thoughts and feelings.

Not because I'm 'becoming more neurotypical' type of stories of not needing the autism community anymore.
I did not 'cure my autism'.

It's more akin to no longer feeling depressed enough to rely an online community.
Because this whole thing started with me burning out during high school.

It's almost 15 years now for me.



When I was 14, I can relate to a lot of this.

But when the realization that I don't feel the same anxieties, I don't relate to the idea that said anxieties are seemingly lifelong, I did accepted it that I'm an anomaly.

After all, not all autistics have anxiety issues.

And I'm an anomaly indeed.
The unrelatedness went even further. Like how my sense of fear seems different.
Like how I lack phobias and general intolerance to anxiety, lacking the need for constant reassurance.

From discovering the fact that I don't understand loneliness, to the fact that common cognitive profiles of supposedly autistics of the same 'functioning levels'.

Or that autism is inherited and there's a reason why it is. But I don't even know where my autism came from.

I'm becoming more and more of an anomaly.
I don't mind that idea.

But what does not sit with me is not that there's nothing for me to in synch to anymore.
It's like a transition between being on the ground to somewhere groundless.

... Which is supposedly something one feels when they found out someone really close dies. But I didn't lose anything.

I'm outgrowing things.
I strived to outgrow a lot of things ever since I've spent playing catch up in my adult life.

I do not doubt that I'm different as a human, different from many people.
But it's like I'm in an entirely different level now.

And no, I don't feel "superior" but maybe for once, I'd get to experience what loneliness may even meant.

I've awaken a few times already, already past the initiation if one knew what I'm talking about. And it was exciting to say at least.
I'm also prepared to the amount of grief that came with it.

The ideas around autism is becoming less and less of a big deal to me.

I already mastered the idea of managing autism. I know what my weaknesses are, I know ehat my strengths are.

But then I've been dealing with more... Knowing that my biggest problems are outside autism, cannot be explained by autism.

I looked at other ND resources and signs.
It does not explained it either.
Because the labels I thought that did it literally went away on it's own this year.

When I say that things about me seem to work backwards? That's universal. It's not limited with me being an ND.

Fine, I say -- I walk my own path like I'm already doing before. I make do like I've been doing already.
I DIY them all if I have to all because many of the external resources do not help me at all.

So I knew of several missing prerequisites within me as to why certain techniques won't work for me.
Not even ones designed for the "severely ND".

Like what I've been doing for the past decade, I'll be collecting more, see more, read more, try more... See what works, see what doesn't.

But...
This is getting stale. I've been reading the same ideas, the same sentiments for the past decade now.

I knew there are other informations out there, other more concepts and ideas out there. Things to try, things to consider.

But it's been taking too long.
And even if I'm healing and surpassing myself, I wanted more.

Like how so many changes won't bother me, will not be consequential to me, but it will impact everyone else.

Like how I cannot relate to the common social dynamics of being a stereotypical loser, or one of those opinionated people, or one of those sweethearts who just wanna be social.

I cannot relate to all of this 'I wanna be normal'. I cannot relate to the practice of passing as NT meant "safe" or even being "free".

Anyone who just experienced masking as a way to open doors definitely have something that I do not have.
Good for them, but that isn't a path for me unless that's playing dress up, not playing prey and predators.

Who knows? This post might be the basis as to why I might leave this site.
But it could just be another stupid fluctuations distorting it all for all I know. So I'm not so stupid as to walk out for seemingly no reason.



TLDR;

I cannot relate.
And this is getting stale.

Can be real, can be false alarm because I'm a fricking woman.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

I wish I could just travel without consequence. My days are so similar. I'm cooped up in my room endlessly applying for jobs and editing my portfolio. Yet when I go out, I feel guilty because I could be spending that time applying.

Sometimes I just stare at the screen struggling to motivate myself because honestly it's an exhausting process of writing cover letter after cover letter pretending that all these companies are so special when they're really not.

I wish I could just take a gap year to go out and see the sights. Visit new places. Have new experiences. Instead I have to bend over backwards to get my foot in the door.