If You've Recovered from Depression...

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I was depressed pretty much all of my life. I started being suicidal in the fourth grade and maintained a passive but very genuine wish for my own annihilation (not death, because I thought if I killed myself I would go to hell- the reason I am alive today, I think- but rather, to simply stop existing, ironically, to avoid hell). I also remember that from about fourth to about ninth grade I genuinely believed that no matter how I died I would go to hell. My father (not biological, not the good guy I have now) was a protestant minister, and religion was excruciating for me to contemplate. I remember lying awake at night, praying for god to end my insomnia (it didn't end till I went on Zyprexa), asking god why I had this horrible father, why he didn't help me. I was angry at god and afraid of god and I didn't feel any love from him at all. I felt about him like I felt about my father.

Then, almost a year ago, I finally broke down and spoke to a nun at the Catholic Center of my college campus. I expected her to tell me to read the bible more, pray more, etc. I was totally shocked when she told me to go see a therapist and avoid religion- church, the bible, everything. She said I was death-focused, and it was unhealthy. Now, of course, I had had my friends telling me this for quite some time, but a nun was kind of more credible.

So I did it. I decided, I'm not going to think about religion. I later made the analogy of a schizophrenic who is unable to distinguish his own madness from reality even when he can know, intellectually, what is a hallucination and what is not- there's still this "gut feeling" that the hallucination, the madness, is real. I wasn't "enlightened." I was completely skewed from reality, and from the purpose of the religion.

I gave you this background not because I want you to start discussing religion or even say anything about it (I don't) but to give you a kind of background here as to why, a bit less than a year ago, my depression turned off like a light switch. Now, religion is good for some people- HELPFUL for many people, actually, religious people even tend to live longer (due to the hope of an afterlife- can you see the humor there?). For the past nine or ten months, I have not been depressed. This is not to say I haven't' had highs and lows, or been really miserable, but it's different. I'm moody, yes, but I'm not longer under this constant weight of wishing my own death, fearing it, obsessing about it, trying to appease a god I wanted to love but could only be afraid of.

But here's my question: Has anyone "stopped" being depressed? What was it like, for you? Because I keep expecting to find out none of this is real. To find out that I'm dreaming, and it's ten months ago, and I'm still miserable. I'm back in my old apartment, and I don't have a car, I don't know very many people on campus as well, I SURE as hell don't have a boyfriend. I'm actually happy to be alive. I'm not saying I don't really believe anything is real, but it does come to me- what if I'm actually in a coma, or something? How can this be real? How can my life not suck? I keep waiting for things to go horribly wrong again- everyone to leave me, me to fall back into depression (I get really paranoid when I feel crappy, but it only tends to happen once in awhile so I now attribute dark periods to PMS and I bounce back). I keep expecting things to be "real" by being "bad."

Anyway, wondering if anyone else got feelings like this, at all. Waiting for the shoe to drop, or kind of unable to even believe that life doesn't have to be horrible (that is, if it isn't for you). What's kind of funny is I feel nervous about posting this, like by saying that I'm happy, it will all be taken away from me. I'm not still living in constant fear, but it's like having something so precious that you're always worried about losing it. You don't want to give it up, you're glad you have it, but you can't believe you'll be allowed to keep it.

I think You never recover from Depression. I have suffered Depression for more years of My Life. You have good days and bad days. You have peaks and valleys and everything in between. That is Depression to Me. I have had many Suicidal tenancies that was very great at times. Even today sometimes I feel I would have been better off dead than a Live. I Myself have not yet gotten professional help. For Me I have always analyze My Life and have been able to pull through in the end don't ask Me How I did it but I seemed to be able to do so in the end. I am though am thinking of seeking professional help, it maybe help Me to analyze it even more.

I am on Trazodone it has helped My insomnia and has improved mood as well too. When I was on Paxil. I became very suicidal again and I did not have doctor to tell because I was moving a lot at the time I was taking it in the end.

You at least to Me never truly recover from depression, though You can learn to manage it in the end. At least that is how I see it in the end too.

Not sure if this helps, I hope though it does. I remember I even did ask God many questions I think it has taken many years to get them answered for Me. Depression is something You and I and ones Like Us just have to figure out how to Live with it. I am still trying to figure it out how to Live with it in the end.

I've had a similar expereience - and it is wierd to talk about it - like somehow that will bring it all crashing down . . .

I'd been depressed and suicidal from the time I was 15 to about 2 years ago and ran my best friend who is the perfect combination of compassion and also being willing to MAKE me do things I need to do and he got me on medication - but really I didn't feel a lot better - meds take the edge off but that is it . . .
I went to talk therapy but it just annoyed me - I keep going back to Donna Williams statement in Nobody,Nowhere about being annoyed at being questioned in therapy because 90% of the time she never thought or felt anything . . .

Anyway, what really turned things around for me is finding out I was autistic and reading about it - I mean all these things that I thought we me slowly going crazy are not only not me going crazy but they are useful - like my worse sence is my vision - and today my vision is funky - so I know I need to get extra sleep tonight because my compensation for vision is going offline - so if I don't get extra sleep it will get worse . . .
I think also realizing I'm not the only person out there like this and also really giving up on a traditional concept of relationships - that is realizing that I'm not limited by concepts like meeting people in person and that I'm not the only asexual aspie out there, etc . . .
Looking back on it it seems that my depression always got the worst when I was trying ot be traditionally social and either couldn't do it or got carried away - so having eliminated that and replaced it with socialaity that is more fitted to me - that eliminates so much stress . . .

Having said that I'll say that I know this is very temporary - if I lost my job, for example, or my house burnt down - I'd probably be in my best friend's living room again telling him I'd OD if he let me leave . . . but I really do feel different - I don't feel that way all the time - which is really wierd . . . I agree that it doesn't feel real . . .

I've got more years of carrying on with inadequate supplies of joy and hope behind me than I really want to consider. I've not beaten it... yet.
I want a toe in this thread just on the outside chance that someone here does know how to "throw the switch". I suspect that for some people it happens.
I further suspect that it would take some sort of "revelation" or unexpected trigger event for it to work with me: over 25 years I've tried a pretty fair range of the things that can be swallowed, thought through or worked at (I'm keeping ECT as a possible last resort option*)

If it's good for you now, don't knock it. Yes, it's inevitable that it will feel tentative, uncertain at first. "Can it be trusted?" is a very standard human question (for minor examples, of a newly repaired tooth or computer).
Go a little carefully, and time will tell.


(*Well, I reboot my computer when I've run out of ideas...)

Actually, I would say I've stopped being depressed.

I was depressed throughout my childhood and teenage years, although I started to get it under control when I was about 16 or 17. I had intermittent periods of depression after that, the most recent one occuring last winter. So I've gone about a year now without being depressed. I should also note that this did coincide with a number of revelations I had about how I was dealing with people and various mistakes I was making in my life.

I definitely went through a phase where I really expected things to go back to being sh***y. But months passed by and it never seemed to happen, and so I just stopped worrying about it.

right now, depression wise anyhow, im in a good place. I was really depresssed until I started taking a sulfer supplment afew months ago. I noticed a change right away, and when I quit taking it to see what would happen, I became moody and "down" again. I went back on the supplment about 3 days ago and I can tell a difference. I know most people arent really into supplments, but it helped me. If anyone wants to know the name of what I am taking, PM me. The herbal dr that suggested I take sulfer suggested it for a totally different reason than depression, but told me the other day when I went to get another bottle of the stuff that it was possible that I had a chemical imbalance due to missing the nutrient all together. Anyhow, it helped me.

*just a note, the herbal dr is accually a Dr.

I've decided that I wasn't going to be Depressed, anymore on the Evening of of December the 14th. That was the night that I've decided to stop being the "Canadian Patriot" that I've thought that my Parents wanted for a First Born, and I've hung my favroite Orniment on my Aluminum Tree. Since than, I've whipped a toy Routemaster out of my China Cabinet and put it onto my Night Stand and I've been buying more of them, along with their closest "Relatives". I've decided that I'm going to buy one a Month, at the most. It seems to be working like a Charm. It works like a Charm, because I'm allowing myself to be who I truly am, without "forcing" myself to move out and blow my Savings. Savings that can be better invested in my London Dreams. I plan on going there, at least twice, and than I'll consider moving out in 5 to 10 years, after I'm done my Swingning, and I'm less afraid of getting older. Allowing myself to be the person that I really am, had made all the difference. I haven't been Depressed in a Month, now.

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was 12. Low self-esteem even longer. Still suffering from depression. I'm working on self-esteem issues to combat these feelings of self-hatred and lack of self-worth. It'll take a while.

Have been put on numerous medications over the years: Ritalin and Thorazine for ADD, Haldol, Tofranil and Prozac for depression. I'm currently taking SAM-e (400 mg/d). I tried St. John's Wort but it didn't work.

My strategy is encapsulated in the following statement:

I have depression.
It does not have me.

I can relate to a lot of what you said, Serissa. I've had depression ever since I can remember, for more days than not, and have been trying to relieve it with various things such as moving, medications, learning more about what's causing it, getting into a good relationship, not having the wrong job for someone with AS...

Lately my depression has been blocked by crushing anxiety. My shrink has been working with me since August to find a good regimen for the depression and the anxiety and it's tricky. But I started lithium this week, and feel in a better mood than ever. And of course, my anxious mind starts thinking things like "Just like all the other meds, it'll stop working after a few weeks..." Stuff like that. So it is in the back of my mind that this won't last. I'm trying not to have those thoughts. I'm afraid I can't offer any long-standing positive results but I hope to in a year!

Just curious, but do you think WP and having a boyfriend could also be having a positive affect on your moods?

I haven't ever stopped being depressed. I always expected it to happen and expected things to get better, partly because most of the problems that were causing my depression were eradicated, but new problems arose the minute another left. My friends continually told me it would get better and it was just a stage I was going though, but reading about other peoples experience with depression makes me think that it just isn't possible.

I know I always dread being happy because I know that I'm going to crash really badly at the end, so if I was in your position I'd be just as scared about how long it would last.

The problem is I can only ever remember my years before becoming a teenager as happy, I never had anything to bring me down and I was constantly happy and chirpy, then the happiness just stopped and I haven't seen it since, it's like the reverse.

Just hang onto the happiness because it will last! (thinking positively )

God bless you, and god bless anyone even though they don't believe in God.

What happened to thagomizer?? Sorry I haven't been really following the post as i haven't had internet for a couple days.

Well, we know it's possible to pull out of it for at least nine months! Tell you what, next time you're happy, relax and enjoy it. I'll post here if my depression comes back in full-swing, and if it's, say, three months from now, you don't have to worry about crashing for a year.

Sound good?

((Amazing how I can be so optimistic and so fatalistic at the same time, eh?))



I dunno about WP, but I really, really hope that it'san internal and controllable decision I made that is helping me, and not something external and uncontrollable like having a boyfriend. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I have trust issues- but it's horrifying to think that I might be "better" because of someone else. That would have all kinds of really awful implications.



No, I mean that that's what kind of goes through my head. Like, "How can I have a boyfriend? I can't have a boyfriend!" That kind of thought. He's still my boyfriend, as far as reality outside occassional dissassociative paranioa goes.

there are as many kinds of depression as there are people.
i was depressed as a chikd and adolescent.
as an adult i got tired of it and stopped paying it so much attention.
now i get depressed when circumstances warrant. but now i experience it more as tired and unmotivated. back then i think i was also sad and hopeless.
things change when you have more control.

i've never known life without depression/anxiety. i don't know if i ever will, but i won't give up on trying to do everything possible to make my life as good as i can and feel as good as i can.
april

OK, firstly, to Astarael: You are not alone in your depression. I also dread happiness because of the 'crash' return to depression when the happiness stops. I loathe the idea of drifting through life sporadically, living for those so called 'happy' periods which only happen because luck for once gets on your side and the gems which supposedly make you happy, are forces which are beyond your control. Like Serrisa said I know I never want to be happy or better because of someone else. With me this fear escalates to paranoia because I believe people want me to suscribe to that rushed, unplanned approach to life and do things that won't agree with me, so to speak.
Now like you my depression also started as soon as I hit adolescence. I think, though I could be wrong, that depression especially in adolescence is a highly complex and multi-rooted problem. However, I believe in a lot of cases these 'root causes' have a consistency, that is they are all to do with a misunderstanding and blind fear of the unknown and places in society. Lots of intelligent people have to view their lives in a framework, and in which they can make sensible decisions to control their life. A big issue, then, is the desire to control, and in teenage years few people have that control. My parents have exasperatedly told me in the past that I'm looking for something to make me unhappy. In complete truth, I am considering what an aspect of my life might be in ideality, what I really want from the opposite sex, work, lifestyle, whatever. The crux is this; I think the 'framework' takes a long time to develop and formulate properly, and don't be worried now because in the furute, when you have freedom and these 'absolutes' in place, you will be the happy one unlike those who seem so happy now, because you will have control in your life.
In the meantime, live for the pleasurable things that get you through life. I will post more later, to clear up anything I have said that seems unclear.

(What I've said is directed at everyone, I referenced Asrarael because he seemed to be particularly unhappy )