Depression

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I was diagnosed with Aspergers in 2003. I have had severe depression my whole life. I have had suicidal ideation for as long as I can remember. Please tell me what is the best treatment for depression in someone with Aspergers. I have tried all classes of antidepressant medication.

I beleive that anti depressants don't work on AS people in the same way as they work in non AS people. I reckon this is because the AS brain is wired in a different way. There are various studies into how AS people are lacking in the 'feel good' hormone serotonin. These drugs claim to make the brain produce serotonin, but in AS people the production of this might be totaly different due to a differeny wiring of the brain.

I've always had odd reactions to medication, right from antibiotics to Prozac. Prozac threw me into a very unstable state where I was having several panic attacks a day, having massive hysterical outbursts completly out of the blue and other very odd effects. Like I could not walk a long way without collapsing.

Have you ever tried counselling or cognitive behavoural therapy?

Please someone post what is a good effective treatment of depression in people with Aspergers , or I might be in serious trouble

I had a severe depression 2 years ago (a single episode though), and was in a psychiatric hospital for 4 weeks. I got ECT there and it helped me a lot.
Today I'm still on medication (Citalopram).
But I don't know if the treatment would have worked differently if I didn't have AS.
(BTW it was after that I got my AS diagnosis).

Mosto, I've been severely depressed and considered suicide many times in my life, too. For me, there is a direct correlation between the amount of stimulus over which I have no control in my life, and how depressed I am.

For example: when each of my children was a baby and toddler, I've been severely depressed. That depression lifted when I got childcare (25 hours a week) so I could have some time alone, not on call, not repsonsible, when things happened predictably. (I am working on this again now, with a toddler in the house; I'm again depressed and suicidal, and I know I just need to get more time for myself.)

Another example: I was very depressed when I first started working full-time after a 9-month break, and right away we had a trade show to prepare for, so I was working insane hours (and caring for my 6-year-old daughter) under pressure. The depression lifted when the trade show passed and I went back to predictable hours with a clear workload and no imminent deadlines.

So maybe you could find a pattern in your life related to your depressions, and see how your current depression fits the pattern? I hope this works for you. I always knew I wasn't bipolar or depressed for random chemical reasons, but it was a great relief when I finally discovered the pattern and how to avoid it.

Good luck to you. I can very much relate; many times suicide has seemed like the only solution to an unbearable problem, which is the best way I've ever heard it described. It isn't a death wish; it's searching for a solution where there seems to be none.

Sometimes prolonged exercise helps. Like training for a marathon.

Thank you. But I want more than "good luck". I want to get better. Only reason I haven't done it yet is because my mum would be sad (for a week or two). I don't notice any pattern that might be the cause. What I dwell on is the difficulty to keep a job and get a girlfriend/wife, but sometimes for no reason. At night I am angry at God and I shout and swear at him. I can scream as loud because I am at the opposite end of the house. I used to be on citalopram. Now I am on temaze, epilem, allegron. I basically lie to my GP to get the temaze so I can use it when necessary if I am going to "harm myself", and that only rarely otherwise he would ask me why another script. There must be some medication that works. I was in Cumberland hospital last year. Public health system is a joke. Police use it as punishment for someone they can't convict. I want to get my life back on track.

In my opinion, the best treatment is not medicine. Find something fun to do. Remember what it feels like to be happy. Give yourself a reason to keep going.

Have you tried psychotherapy? CBT? As well as your medication, I mean.

I'm on 60mg/day of Citalopram (I attempted suicide while on 40mg.) That's the max dose. I'm still considered depressed but not suicidally so.

That's really good advice (I'm serious), but it's impossible to follow when you're suicidally depressed.

The best treatment here is indeed not medicine, but only because Mosto has been using it without success. For some people, antidepressants are a godsend. Not for Mosto.

Let me say here that I don't pity you, I don't feel like you're broken, I don't think you're lazy. I know where you are and I know what it feels like. I'm talking to you peer to peer here. Take what you can from what I say, and if it doesn't help, say so and we'll move on.

Mosto, if you are like me, at some point you will hit bottom, and it will be your moment of truth. I've been there twice. The first time was in high school. I was 16, at a residential school, living in a room with a roommate, with no space truly all my own and thus no true alone time, ever. I got a stash of sleeping pills from a friend with a prescription by spending a few weeks asking her for one or two a night to help my "insomnia." When I had what I thought was enough, I lay down on my bed, the stash on my chest, took a deep breath, and put the first pill in my mouth. It sat there for ten seconds as I contemplated the enormity of what I was doing. By accident I swallowed it, and immediately panicked. This is when I realized I ultimately did NOT want to die.

The second incident was similar, several years later. When I hit bottom, when push came to shove, I realized I really wanted to live, and I was looking for some way out of an impossible situation.

Both times, that realization was enough to help me look for a solution elsewhere, to get help from friends and (the second time) my husband. That second time, I told my husband, "I'm looking up ways to kill myself on the Internet. I don't want to kill myself, but I don't know what else to do to get out of this misery. I need you to help me, and I don't know what it is you need to do, but I need you to figure it out and help me."

My point is that, horrible as it looks right now (and I know how horrible it looks), it is going to get better, because you're going to hit bottom. When you do, your will to live will help you find a solution to your current depression. Until then, please keep talking with us here. Maybe you won't have to hit bottom first--most of my depressions haven't gotten that far, only those two times.

I don't know what's psychotherapy, I have been to many different doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, career advisors at school etc. But I was only diagnosed at the age of 23. Too late to change me. I tried CBT over correspondance on the net. It says stuff like think that "that person doesn't hate me just because they gave you a nasty look" but how do you know that?? I have been referred to someone that does CBT, but charges $140/hour. Don't know if I'll do it. I've hit bottom my whole life. Sometimes I don't want to die, I want to get rid of depression and Aspergers and find a girlfriend. Other times I realise that that's never going to happen and I want to die. I have od'd 3 times in the last year on benzos (depending on your definition of od'd - two of those times no one noticed I was shattered for 48 hours straight)

Please help me what can I do to forget my life and feel better

Mosto, I can see in your writing that you do have hope for your life getting better. Cling to that. It's true.

I was 36 when I discovered I was AS. The ramifications are still hitting me. It's taken me five years to realize that there is no "changing me." There's only changing my expectations and responses to fit the way I am, instead of trying to do and be what I'm not. This is what has you so depressed. You are expecting something from yourself that you aren't capable of. And I don't mean you're not capable of getting a girlfriend--that is not the core issue here (nor is it true). The core issue is that you are holding yourself up to standards you cannot and will not ever meet. Figure out what those subconscious standards are, go through the unpleasant and humbling process of letting go of them, and replace them with things that work with your neurology instead of against it.

An example for me: I am realizing that, had I known twenty years ago I was AS, I'd not have chosen to have children. I am not up to the task of normal mothering, and I never will be. I'm not an abusive mother or anything, and I do love my children. I'm just not capable of interacting well with them for more than an hour or two a day. But this doesn't meet my expectations of what a good mother is. Conclusion: I'm not a good mother. There it is. No way around it. Now I'm having to let go of being a good mother in the traditional sense, because if I don't, (a) I'll continue to be depressed and (b) my children will have NO good part of me at any time because I'm always on edge and snappy. Yelling, slamming doors, criticizing them. It may not be my ideal, but it is what it is, I am what I am, and setting things up so someone else takes care of them most of the time may make me a lousy mother in many ways, but it means my kids have a sweet, interested mother two hours a day. Which I'm betting is worth more to them than having her ten hours a day as a total witch.

But this is no euphoric epiphany where everything magically falls into place and feels good. I'm feeling my AS as a disability. There are aspects of it, including my mothering deficiencies, that I wish I didn't have. But I do. Recognizing this is essential to my mental health, whether it feels good or not. The same is true for you. You have some blecky, irritating, unpleasant work to do before you banish depression (hopefully with some sweet moments peppered in there, too). And you and I may never feel "happy" about our AS. It may always feel like a limitation. But if we recognize our limits, we can be the best of what we are. If we don't recognize them, all we can be is a total failure at something we're fundamentally not.

I hope this makes sense, and I hope it helps in some way.

If you are worried about the cost ask your GP for a "mental health plan" . This gives you about a dozen visits to a psychiatrist/psychologist/therapist/ and you get most, if not all back on medicare. I'm not sure if you can get more once you reach that quota (I haven't got that far.) Ask about your meds if they aren't helping, there might be a better one for you or a better dose.

Avoid situations or people that stress you out if possible. Remember you are not alone.

Not knowing more, I don't know what more to say. Do those close to you know how bad you feel?

Yes I am on that plan, I have used two of the six consultations. But means testing because I have too much assets. But what happens when I go there is I sit there tell him how much I hate my life for 30 mins then he says something like "It's hard for you, but keep going" He's sposed to be the expert. My GP and him have tried to find a psychiatrist familiar with Aspergers to recommend medications without success; there is one absolute w*ker at Chatswood, and there is one with a good reputation at Sydney Uni but he refused to see me after much red tape trying to get to see him, and that's it. Not one psychiatrist in western Sydney a population of 2.5 million. I have an appointment in two weeks again. What Saja do you think I should just forget all chance of having a wife and family, what's the alternative? I have thought, give all my money to church and die. or to charity, what other options? Why else live? It is normal for person to desire a family. You see in my writing my wanting to get better, but to this end it is. What keeps you alive? If you are not a good mother. Why do you get out of bed? I have salvation, so to die is better