encounter with a not nice person

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I feel the need to vent here but if people have advice on how to develop a thicker skin I would be thankful.

I decided to learn French for fun and a friend of my Mothers recommeded a french friend of hers to teach me and my Mum. Mum has had lessons and has learned from a tape, I have never learned the language before. The lessons were every Sunday. At the fifth lesson this woman tore into me for not being able to tell her the time in French, in front of her friend (also brushing up on her french) and my Mum. Bear in mind that I had only five french lessons ever and this was the second in which we tackled numbers and I had problems learning the number sounds in english (no problem with maths though). I almost started crying and the woman said that she was sorry (she didn't mean it as I will explain later). Before this incidence I thought that this woman was becoming a friend of sorts.

I has my first real experience of anxiety, for two weeks solid after this womans actions. Although I didn't have to deal with her in person because she was busy for two Sundays after this incidence. I was due a lesson with her tomorrow and called to tell her that I would not be coming back to her house after how she treated me and she replyed with an angry vicious tone 'I don't care about you' and hung up. I feel very angry and hurt by this, I want to scream and shout and break a punch-bag. No one likes being told that a person doesn't care about them usually, when they care about the person that said it (even a little).

I want to tell her how I was a basket case for two weeks, I almost couldn't eat (but I made myself) and it felt like I had a solid lump under my rib-cage for two weeks, it was difficult to breathe sometimes. But I know that if I were to tell her that she wouldn't feel remorse from the pain that she caused (the way that I would), or try curb her bad behaviour (the way that I would) and she'd probably get a peverse kick out of my pain.

I know that I shouldn't have let my guard down and that I shouldn't have trusted her or let myself like her as a person but I really did think that she liked me too on a friendship level. I hope I don't come across as desperate for friendship but maybe I am. I know there are good people in this world, she hasn't taken that knowledge away. This really stings though. I want to call her tonnes of bad names but won't here.

I know that others have or have had much worse situations that they have been and I know to them, I may seem stupid. Anyways, rant, such as it is, over.

It's not your fault this woman is an a$$hat. She was totally out of line and unprofessional. Don't blame yourself for attempting a friendship at first. You had no way of knowing how unstable she is. Please stop beating yourself up;you were right to call her and stand up for yourself. I'm often too cowardly to do that.

I go through the same things with people who are not nice. I get emotionally messed up for some time. Take recently the example of the man who screamed at me because he had to change my lightbulb. That really messed up my mood for quite some time. So, I understand.

Just know that this was in no way your fault, but is completely her problem. Know that your self-worth is not any less.

Thanks Aimless and whitetiger, I'm glad of the support. I still feel a bit messed up about it though. I really don't like it when I'm angry or sad or both, it takes too much energy. At least the anxiety lump is gone.

I hope you don't have to deal with that man much whitetiger. He sounds very unstable too like the french woman.

Though I do know some nice french people who I met due to a twinning between my nearest town and theirs, fun and gentle people.

When something like that happens to me, I will obsess about it and even if know the other person was out of line I still have to talk myself through it for a while. I'm not sure it would ever be something I could just shrug off. Usually my reaction to being verbally assaulted like that is for my mind to go completely blank except for thoughts of getting away.

That happened when it was happening but after her response today on the phone I've been getting angry at her and when I get really angry I can have hammer-style headaches, thankfully I haven't gotten that angry though, at least not yet.

Though the headaches really help me to be calm and forgiving I've just realised, lol.

I'm feeling a good bit better now. You both really helped. Thank you both very much. My bf helped too but I already thanked him (I think) .

I know this sucks, but please do not let it sour you against all humanity (or even French people *snicker*). There are nice people out there, they are tough for everyone to find sadly.

Well, there are nice people here. Thanks for the reminders.

I won't let the actions of not nice people sour me to the world, I've seen good ones enough. For one, the people here. Though I've had experience of people outside of here being nice too. For example, I twisted my ankle once and an total stranger offered to help me up. He didn't have to but he did. It's a small example, there have been nicer things, like my bf making tea when I've had a bad day and hugging me.

I sort have went through the same thing on Friday. I go to the aspie gathering here and we were all talking and discussing our opinions and point of views and this lady tells her point of view about parents not accepting their autistic kids and they want to fix them and she mentioned how her mom was vail and she said about abuse and then later on when I start to discuss my point of view, she blows up at me screaming her step dad raped her because her mom told him it was okay and does that make me happy. I had no idea where that came from and what that had to do with me and she was screaming at me for no reason just because I didn't know something about her and she seemed to expect me to know it even though I was never told and she never told me until she blew up. She didn't even give me the chance to explain so the leader had to step in and tell her what I was really trying to say and it's a misunderstanding. I still got to tell my opinion and I said how parents help their autistic kids get better and I don't think it be fair to the child if the parents left them disabled and they grow up and end up in a institution or group home and how fair is that to them? I talked about myself too saying I wouldn't be where I be now if it weren't for my mother helping me. Some autistic individuals see that as abuse because they see it as their parents aren't accepting their kids or them because they are being taken to all these therapies.

I was very upset for how this women treated me and the fact she didn't apologize for upsetting me. I didn't apologize either because I was so upset so maybe she felt the same way too. Then when I was calmed down, I felt I owed her one and then I realized I don't owe her one because she owes me one first because she was out of line and I did nothing wrong and she blew up at me for no reason. So now I am giving everyone a heads up about that group. I am telling people there is someone in that group who gets really angry and she blows up at you for no reason and you can literally say anything to upset her that no one would get upset about and I am telling them this so they don't get alarmed if they get attacked by her and screamed at and get hurt by how she treated them. I got over it but I am now going to try and not talk to her at all and just ignore her and don't say my opinions based on what she says or just ignore her blow ups and not care about it.

Hi LostAlien
I live in France and me and all of my American friends here have taken lots of French lessons and have shared our "war stories" with one another, so I can commiserate. I hope I can console you with the fact that culturally, the French are just not patient, gentle teachers... even the professionals.

I'm an older language student and so my brain needs to make connections with words from my native language. Once, when one of my French teachers "caught" me making the connection between the Fr word "façon", which means "way" or "method", with the Eng word "fashion", she went ballistic and totally ranted at me in front of everyone! All because I was learning in "my own way" and not hers! It could've been very humiliating except that all the other students already knew how vicious her teaching style was. Also, an Am lady friend of mine who has lived here all her life since childhood and went to the public schools, told me that the teachers here are notoriously cruel and use humiliation as a method to get kids in line. It's a very archaic system and quite rigorous (the grade school kids are required to use a straight edge to make equal signs in EVERY maths problem!), so I wouldn't be surprised if this lady is just emulating what she received during her own education.

That said, it doesn't make it right and you did not deserve such abuse. I just hope that knowing that this wasn't an isolated thing and was probably not the first or last time this woman has treated students that way might ease your heavy heart a bit. Her saying she didn't care about you... now that just sounds like ineffective people skills, that is, she sounds like a person who doesn't much care about ANYONE'S feelings if it requires some effort on her part. Best to just let this person go. You can do better for friends. There's just billions and billions of other human beings to choose from. And I hope you realize that you're worth the very best. Good luck to you and I hope this helped a little.

Thanks Feyhera. It does help to have some idea of how she was taught things even though she was wrong about what she did. And I'm feeling tonnes better now than yesterday.

I do the connection thing a lot to learn languages too. It really helped when I was learning German.

I've been confused about things in relation to this and it's been playing over in my head, the explaination helps but also confuses me. Why would she say sorry if she didn't mean it? and why would she say sorry if she thought it was normal behaviour?

If I did bad and regreted it I'd say sorry because of regret of my bad behaviour to anyone, if I didn't regret my behaviour I wouldn't say sorry. Perhaps sorry is just a word in this context? That she didn't realise it actually meant something? Is this silly thoughts on my part?

Spokane_Girl, that sounds difficult to deal with. I hope that you feel better soon. From what you have said, you sound like you don't need to say sorry, I mean, how were you to know about her history and backround? Though, she may need to get counciling, her outburst says a lot about undealt-with pain, it doesn't forgive the behaviour though. She doesn't realise that what happened to her was not the actions of sane parents I would guess.

That's why I stay inside my room as much as possible only go out for church, people there I want to kill too, now with my despicable brother and his girlfriend over often only a matter of time

I don't want to kill anyone. I can be hurt/confused/angry over somones behaviour but I don't wish them harm, if it sounded like that it was just me venting.

I'm so pleased to hear you are feeling a bit better. Good stuff.



It does, doesn't it! And, I'd just like to point out that in Fr you'll find (if you don't let this one silly lady ruin your desire to go on and learn it without her "help") there's just tonnes and tonnes of words in Eng that find their root in Fr or Latin (which Fr is based on). I really hope you aren't too discouraged to go out and find a better teacher or method to continue. It would give that lady's bad behavior way too much power in your life I think.



Some disingenuous people say "sorry" to shut us up when we are expressing our hurt over something they've done or said. It's a way to just end the conversation. Yes, it's dishonest. But, hey, this lady doesn't sound like she's a people person anyway, so, we can't really expect her to understand that she has something to repair with you. LostAlien, you see, some people just aren't worth our time. And their words and sentiments are just as value-less as any kind of "friendship" they may pretend to be forming with us. It's sad to report, but, there are people out there who use "friendship" for gaining things other than comradery or like-minded interaction. Some people use other people's energy, or just want attention for their "superiority", or revel in manipulating others, etc. Not being like those people, we tend to become quite confused by their selfish motivations. That's a good thing. If you understood, or could relate to someone like that, I'd be worried for you. Be glad you can't understand. It's a great sign of just how nice and truly good you are!



Because she's not sorry for what she did. She's sorry she's not being allowed to go on being brutal without interruption! You did exactly the right thing: You called her out in a meaningful and heartfelt way. You extended a chance to her for her to get it right after being so awful. That was an amazingly brave and conscientious move on your part. But we can only control our own behavior and reactions and how she received your attempt to clear the air is her's to decide. And she decided badly, or rather, she decided to show her true colors. And really, in the end, she did you a big favor. Now you know she treats life as though she's a shark in a shallow pond full of minnows. And now, you know you can make yourself safe from her and just forget about her altogether!



You're not silly in the least. You hit the nail on the head. She doesn't use "sorry" like you do. She uses "sorry" to mean, "Ok, you're hurt. Big deal. Now, will you just shut up and let me go on with my life, treating people any ol' way it suits me? Sheesh!"

Icky, huh?



LostAlien, not to speak for mosto, but, I think he/she was just venting. I don't think he/she was saying that you sounded homicidal in your posts here. I certainly did not hear anything that sounded remotely homicidal anyway.

And mosto, I hear your anger and frustration. I just hope you do still reserve a place in your heart that knows that not all people are horrible. Yes, there's lots of hurt and pain dished out by some not-so-nice people in the world, but, I think it would be sad to define all humanity by the ugly actions of a relative few. Mostly, I think you will find as you go along in life, and if you find the courage to keep giving people a chance, on a person-by-person basis, that most of us are just as sad and scared as you are. But there is joy and satisfaction out there too. We just can't give up on one another. The nice people need to stick together and ignore or stand up to the ugly people. That's the only way good and decency can "win". But we're all in this life together and we all need one another, so please, give us a second, third, fourth and fifth chance. Hiding in your room will only isolate you with your rage and hurt and then you'll miss out on so many potentially positive interactions with the "right" folks. And try to believe this, because it's true: We need you as much as you need us.

And you say you're a church-goer... I hope your love for God can show you the way to love your fellow man someday. Can you pray for that?

Devise a stress/anxiety focus for exorcising those garbled emotions... the punching-bag was a good idea.

Since we have less of an ability do it the normal, unconscious way, we sometimes have to consciously get our minds out of negative/stressful patterns with... whatever. You might be really surprised how instantly better you feel just by doing something so deceptively simple as, say, backhanding a punching-bag a few times.

I'm going to go to evening classes when I am all moved and settled into college (and I've just found a place and hope all goes well there). I'm going to look for an Irish nationality french teacher though (because they'll possibily have been taught similarly to me). I would like to know enough french to be able to talk and listen when I go to France next because my local town is twinned with a town in France and we stay at each others houses for a week each year. Feyhera, your explainations really help and I want to thank you again. I'm more able to move on and not be hurt by the re-plays because I'm not so confused. The confusion was making it happen over and over.

CMaximus, I'd love to have a punch bag but can't afford one at the moment. It's great excercise, though it sometimes doesn't work when I try to box my way out of it. Perhaps I should buy some worn wooden pallets to break though, it could be used for firewood for winter, constructive action which would distract and disipate my emotional difficulties in future events. Mum has a fire to set an atmosphere in the living room at christmas.

Mosto, I'm sorry for your pain. I hope you meet nicer people in future. I wasn't totally awake when I responded first and didn't take it in fully until I reread your post in Feyhera's post. About five years ago I probably would have wanted to stay in my room and be upset about the actions of others, and it would have hurt more and more. I used to self harm when this happened because the emotional pain got so bad, it took a while to learn how to talk about things and to work things out. I'm still learning how to deal with my pains and confusions, and it will probably be still learning in five more years.



On a nice experience note, I met a former teacher in school and he said that he remembered me for being nice and honest, it was nice to see the smile and it made me happy because he was nice. And it was nice to be remembered.

Should we create a thread to say about nice experiences? to help remind people that good things do happen?