I hate my physical clumsiness

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I don't think I need to elaborate, because most Aspies are clumsy to some degree. But let me ask: How much does slowing down and concentrating help your clumsiness? It helps me some, but not all that much. I can STILL spill the drink on the way to bringing it into the living room and setting it down, because my elbow or some other part(s) of my body may hit a piece of furniture I didn't notice being so close to me -- that kind of thing. It's just annoying when my brain can't process/produce bodily motion very well, even when I give it due concentration. I'm constantly banging my elbow, knee, hand, or shin, just moving around my own apartment. I mean, you'd think my brain have a better instinct for where my own furniture is, after all this time.

This minor disability which is common among Aspies also stresses me out frequently, and I'll border on meltdown. It often makes me want to not even bother with the task -- such as preparing some food for myself in the kitchen -- just because of the extreme near-meltdown states I can get into if I start making a mess and/or injuring myself because of my stupid clumsiness. There's just no coordination task too simple for me; I'm like Steve freakin' Urkel sometimes!
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJUq8QoiJ60[/youtube]

I've come to see significant, permanent clumsiness as an actual disability, albeit a minor one. I mean, when it takes you three times longer than most people to, say, hand wash a plate -- that's a neurological disability. (Obviously I don't mean just that one task, but rather that ALL the many coordination tasks in life put together really slow a clumsy person down over time.)

Last edited by Ragtime on 08 Jun 2010, 11:18 am, edited 2 times in total.

It's diagnosable is dyspraxia, it is an actual disability, yes.

I have it and I'm fine with it, though mine is fairly minor. I do have trouble writing, my handwriting is so messy I have a laptop for classes. And if I walk at any speed below my usual pace (which I have to do if I'm behind someone), I walk weird and start to lose control of my feet a bit.

I just take it for granted now that I will spill, bump, or make a mess, no matter how hard I try. I don't feel guilty about it since i was diagnosed, because it is just how I am. I still try to be careful though.

My handwriting has always been troubled as well. And when walking behind someone slower than me, I actually starkly alternate between standing still and walking my normal speed. I know that stop, walk, stop, walk, stop, walk must look awkward, but it feels right to my brain, so that's what I do. Having to walk slower than I normally do is just too awkward for me to do for very long.

Last edited by Ragtime on 08 Jun 2010, 11:25 am, edited 2 times in total.

It's my natural perfectionism that causes me the vexation I experience when I make messes or injure myself. I "intellectually" can't stand what I just did as an outcome of my clumsiness, even though I know it is acceptable and that there's generally no harm, no foul. I am working on accepting myself for the way I am in my coordination. (And the only way I could make progress in that, and not continue to blame myself, was to realize it must be a disability. Something eventually clicked in my mind, and I realized, after blaming myself for another clumsy mistake, "Hey, wait a second... I am vividly aware that, this time, I did my very best, yet still the glass spilled. Therefore, logically, it is beyond my ability to control. Thus, it is acceptable.")

It's a spectrum, of course. In my case, I might be "awkward" but did/do quite well in competitive sports, mostly ones involving strict balance which was my forte. Maybe "clumsy" is just a result of physically maneuvering in a "normal"| way expected of you, but not the natural way.

I could scream right now -- except I'm at the office. It's REALLY fricken' frustrating to be doing a complex, multi-faceted mental sorting task that ALSO involves a lot of continuous physical coordination, when you have dyspraxia. (I read today that dyspraxia also includes the mental confusion and forgetfulness I experience when trying to perform complex tasks.) Mentally or physically, I lose one way or the other over and over again, and have to "start over", in either the intellectual or the coordination part of the task, like 50 times (which would be on average once every 5 seconds). At times like these, I can't help feeling that people with dyspraxia as bad as mine should be shot, but I know that's the wrong attitude. I mean, crap, I can't even set a mug down level on a flat desk! I can't even set a pencil down so that it does not start to roll off the desk! When I get bogged down like I am now, it gets to where, for a brief while, I can't make a SINGLE MUSCULAR MOVEMENT that isn't wrong. (Trust me, I'm making endless mistakes just typing this, and have to keep going back and correcting them. Typing this is a pretty linear task, though, so it doesn't compare to the other task I mentioned which is taxing me to the breaking point. When you take one step forward and three back, and then find you have to do that whole process three more times, and then as soon as you actually gain ground from out of that pattern the whole thing starts all over again, YOU JUST WANT TO DIE from the overstimulation of it all!! !! I've now reached the dizziness phase of overstim.

On a positive note, though, about 1 day out of every 100, I have a complete absense of dyspraxic symptoms -- both intellectual and physical. On those very rare days, my mind and body work together as if I've had a full brain upgrade. I can multitask seemingly any number of administrative "task thoughts" at once, never missing a beat, and I also will have the physical coordination to quickly and accurately execute those tasks. The improvement is so extreme, in fact, that I find it hard to imagine it possible that it's happening with the same brain that almost always trips over itself all day long. So, I really WONDER what happens physically / chemically to cause that dramatic and wonderful balancing of my mental functioning -- whether it's possible to take meds that give me that balance most of the time instead of only the 1% of the time it naturally occurs.

Any ideas on that?

In any case, I guess it proves my brain problem is chemical, not physical / architectural.

I know THAT feeling. Even in my own house I can't judge the distance to a wall or a countertop properly. The one thing that helps when I get off balance or think I'm misjudging is to reach out to touch the wall or counter as I get near it. My judgment of distance is better by touch than by sight...relying on my eyes never works. And it also doesn't prevent the "drunk step." (I bet you know EXACTLY what I mean by that--suddenly you take that step that has you looking like a drunken sailor without a drop of alcohol in your system. ) But at least if I'm touching the wall or counter, even if I DO take the "drunk step," I can avoid the bruise to go with it. Think that might help with certain kinds of tasks?

It's good to know I'm not the only one. I got a lot of real verbal "beatings" in gym to the point of thinking I was good for nothing. Unfortunately gym teachers tend to be some of the most insensitive people alive and they see only character issues where it's really visual issues + what might be dyspraxia (obviously NOT a professional test, but that Aspie Quiz had me scored so low in that realm that it did suggest dyspraxia as a possibility). I'm trying not to feel so bad about myself physically now...maybe if I'd had some kind of adaptive PE class instead, where I could actually get some encouragement and some useful skills geared for helping my particular challenges instead of trying to make me be some kind of physical genius, I'd be a little better off than where I am now.

That said...I can't go back and undo the past, only do what I can with what I know now.

I am terribly dyspraxic, constantly bumping into things, I have taken a
few very bad falls stepping over curbs, I always seem to roll my ankle
and have broken bones which really sucks

I've definately dyspraxic in some form or another. I've got an awful spatial awareness - I don't actually bump into objects that much, but I always end up knocking people or having to twist to the side to stop me clipping someone, and I can't throw or bat worth a damn. My coordination's absolutely terrible. I'm also cross-lateral as well, which is apparently supposed to go with it, and that really doesn't help.

Don't be so hard on yourself, ragtime. You are an amazing typist--long posts with not a single missed key. You can't be that uncoordinated. Just saying.

Gross motor skills and fine motor skills can be two different things.

I type great but...

I just tripped myself in the parking lot on break, and twisted my ankle. I looked--there was NOTHING that should've caused that. Maybe, MAYBE a slight dip in the pavement, but really there was no excuse.

Thankfully I can still walk on it--it's not as bad as last time, but...WHINE!! !

Damn, I hate being clumsy. I get bruises I don't even know where they come from, my mother used to call me the Polish word for "cow" and "Graceful Gertie" (sarcastically), I spill things, I hit my head on things. I'm also a perfectionist so it drives me nuts when I do stuff like that. My handwriting naturally sucks, but the nuns took care of that with rulers when I was a kid And, I don't find that slowing down helps all that much either *sigh*...

~Kate

Ankle and foot are on ice now. Once I took my shoe off it started to hurt again. I think my dignity hurts worse, though, seeing as I did it in front of people.

I have the same problem, so I know where you're coming from. I'm sick of banging into things, and knocking things over.