Proof that I need a girlfriend FAST!

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As some people here will remember, I wrote posts about my very strong attraction towards a woman that I like. She is my female befriender and she is married. I am not after her and I would not break up her marriage, but the very strong attraction was proof that I was ready for a girlfriend, the first one I would have at age 28.

Anyway, with support from within and from guidance from people that I trust, I achieved in downgrading my very strong attraction to a general level of friendliness with her. Then her father passed away and I didn't see her for over a month.

She's back at work now and the funeral was a number of weeks ago and she is a lot better. I have continued being nice towards her like before and I have offered her support and things like that which she has greatly accepted.

But my attraction has come back and I really want to put an end to it and just carry on seeing her on a friendly level, you know. I find it difficult sometimes when I am out with her and it hurts when I have to part from her when she drops me off.

NOW, this is second performance is definate proof that my hormones are raging and I NEED to have a girlfriend NOW!! Its really really hurting that I havn't got one. Earlier on, I thought about something really important. ALL YOU ASPIES NEED TO SEE THIS, BECAUSE I STRONGLY BELIEVE THAT YOU WOULD AGREE WITH ME.

Here it is: Aspies find girlfriend/boyfriend relationships hard to get into. So why is that we can get infatuated, ready for a relationship if we can't actually get into the relationship? Whats the f*****g point! Why doesn't nature just click off at that part?

All I have been exhibiting is a crapload of feelings and I am ready for a girlfriend - but can't get one. NATURE HAS A LOAD OF BALLS. IT'S MORALLY AND ETHICALLY UNFAIR ON US ASPIES.

Eh, I find relationships easy to get into....problem is finding someone I can be with for more than a week, more than 3-4 months, etc. Not that I want to be in a long relationship or any right now. Now friends with benefits....much harder to find

Sharpen your willpower and just power your way through the hormones telling ya you absolutely need to get laid.

Apply your focus to what you can do, not what you haven't got.

Craig, I think the issue is less that you need a girlfriend, and more that you need to know that you can GET one and keep one, if the situation arises. Not to say your feelings of loneliness aren't real, but I've found that, more often than not with guys like us, seeking a girlfriend is another way of seeking validation. "See, a girl likes me. She holds my hand in public and everything."

My words may seem harsh, but I want you to avoid doing what so many of us do: Taking the first girl who says yes to a relationship and twisting yourself in emotional knots to keep her and be happy even though she may not be suited for you at all, for fear of never being able to attract another one.

Don't look for a girlfriend. Keep your eyes out for a girl you really like for her, not just because she's a girl. You'll save yourself a lot of hassle.

I think what is hurting you is not hormonal. That ache hits a little lower than the chest, and arises with certain body parts. I think the reason you ache when you part from her is you feel close to her, and what you are needing is intimacy. I've been married to the same person for years, and get this ache because I don't feel close to anyone. Especially not him.

If it's about hormones and needing physical contact, that's easy to fix...go have a one night stand. My guess is that won't fix the "need" you're feeling. Intimacy isn't something that comes with every relationship, and there's never a guarantee it will stay around--it takes both people working (and wanting to work) on it.

You've already recognized that a married woman is a bad target for your intimacy, because no matter what happens, there will be heartache for one or all of you. That said, maybe you need to distance yourself from her and put your efforts into building an intimate relationship with a person who might be better able to reciprocate.

It's a tough spot. I truly feel for you, as I have been there myself. I'm only offering this advice, because I need to hear it too. I wish you the best with it.

Whoever said wanting a girlfriend was all about the sex?

Merely stating from a biological standpoint.

Most relationships that I have witnessed stem from one or more of the following.

-Hormones
-Societal/Peer pressure
-need to validate oneself
-to boost self esteem/self-confidence

very rarely is it TRULY something else. There is also the fact that I myself do not believe in true love whatsoever.

Regardless, even if its in the true sense of the word and he has to distance himself because said target of affections is already in a relationship, he has got to use willpower in order to help him accomplish whatever end he desires.

For me, it's more about finding that girl I can talk to, likes me for who I am, and will comfort me when I'm feeling down. I know I would do those things in return for any girl I'd end up dating. As well as that feeling of putting your arm around that girl. I think that's one of the biggest myths out there about people on the autism spectrum. The fact that we supposedly don't have the capacity to love someone or desire a romantic relationship.

I've done this three times, once at 26 and twice at 28. It really did nothing for me because it happened a little too late for me. Having a girlfriend will also not do me much good, but only because I believe its happened a little too late. However, the girlfriend, just like the sex, is needed just so I can say that I have been there and experienced them. Overall though, a girlfriend would make me a lot happier.

Wow, that's a terrible reason to get a girlfriend.
I wonder how she'd feel if you told her that

Dude...I so hope you heard me back there...it's intimacy making you ache. It took me 18 of my 22 married years to figure that out. Trust me on this. A relationship does not equal intimacy. Sex does not equal intimacy. It's a rare thing for an aspie (IMO) to find someone they can bond with that way; it's even more rare that we're able to maintain it, I think. I think the hardest part, for us, is recognizing the void so we can fill it with the right stuff...not just a night of randy goodness or a ring on a finger. I hope you can see that without having to learn it the hard way--like I did.

Hi Pandora. Could you elaborate on that please? What is the right stuff?

Intimacy. Deep sharing with someone you trust and can rely on--both giving and receiving. There are extra barriers for us, because sometimes we don't even know what it is we feel, let alone how to express that to someone outside our heads. We also have difficulty receiving that information from others. I think that means we have to work extra hard, but it's something everyone struggles with--Aspie and NT alike.

The level of intimacy you get in a relationship that is also sexual, or even potentially sexual, is unlike any other friendship. I am fortunate to have had some close, dear friendships and times of love intimacy...they are very different and fill different needs. I know how to build those relationships. I know that it is rare to come across someone who can potentially resonate with you that way. I'm not sure how you maintain it...I've never been able to manage that, but I also never understood how different I am neurologically until very recently. So maybe, just maybe, if I know the pitfalls and issues, and can steer away from them instead of into them. I hope for you the same.

I've gone back into crying over my female befriender. I find it so difficult to focus at the moment. I recognise that I do have a problem and that I am going to see an AS counsellor as soon as possible.

I'm sad you are crying, but glad that you're going to talk to someone. Meanwhile, distance from her might be best. It helps me. You are worthy of that intimacy with someone. You deserve it. Maybe the counselor can help you figure out how to get it in a healthy, lasting way. I think you have a very beautiful heart, and you would make some lucky Aspergirl very happy--guaranteed.