Is anyone else ready to die?

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This isn't a plea for help, I'm fine. I'm just curious. Recently I've become much happier, after overcoming the depression I suffered from for three years. I'm in college, doing a degree I love. I've made a few new friends, slept with a beautiful girl and read a ton of philosophy. In short, by life has never been as good. Yet rather than fearing, I'm actually anticipating my death.

I hope that some sunny day not too far off, walking home from college, I get hit by a bus and killed. This world is starting to feel really strange to me, like some...watered down shadow of Platonic Idealism. Emotions seem so weak, actions so inconsequential. I keep getting washed over by this serene feeling of satisfaction, like I'm...finished. It's difficult to describe the sensation, although it's similar to nostalgia.

Can anyone relate, or I have I on another seemingly bizarre tangent?

It sounds to me as though you would rather die happy then go back to being miserable, which is a perfectly legitimate feeling. I would suggest though that you at least open yourself up to the possibility that you might remain happy for a very long time and should instead focus on enjoying it

That's probably it, but not on a conscious level. I really can't see myself being happy after college, there's nothing left that I want to do. I've done everything worth doing.

I know that feeling. It washed over me when I held my son in my arms for the first time... I knew then that I could die happy.

Of course, I couldn't die, because I had to look after him. But I must admit when I'm "happy" I do feel that I'm ready to go.

It's like Keats said... he wanted to "cease upon the midnight with no pain."

Personally I think it's a chemical imbalance, and we should ignore it. Life always has more to teach you.

I'm not depressed at this stage of my life, but I've been thinking about death recently, and I feel like I wouldn't feel too cut up to go today or tomorrow, but while I'm around, I might as well do some stuff.

I think life is so much easier when you square away your fear of dying.

One day, you will die anyway.

Why hurry the process?

end it on a high note, avoid decaying into old age, willing your own death makes a lot more sense than any other approach to meaning...

I had horrible depression off and on from 19 to 21. When I shook it off, I made it my lifes mission to keep it at bay. I soon forget I had it, and felt immune to it. Later in my life, I felt it creeping back. I think I also had a subconcious desire to die happy, because I knew what it felt like to live dead. I've also often felt a serene sense of satisfaction in my life with no fear of death, but I think it is in part gratitude for overcoming the pitfalls and challenges of life.

I think anticipating rather than fearing your death, in someways can be trying to hold on to what you have and not losing it. A fear of losing life rather than a fear of death. I don't think that anyone that has not suffered severe life numbing chronic depression can truly understand what it is like.

The transition between College and Adulthood was the hardest part of my life, and I think it is for many. But the years after that were better that what I could have ever imagined. None of it was easy, but all of it was worth it.

thanks for all the replies, I'm really suprised to find than people can relate to anything I say

.

It's good to know someone in a similar situation managed after college, helps the anxiety a little



No, it seems like a vaguely intellectual thing, since I'm not upset when I think about death or suicide like I used to be. The feeling of serenity is strange, but nice. It comes and goes a few times a week now, a good emotion really would be a chemical imbalance for me

At 17 what sounds like "old age" to you? My life didn't get really good until 30. 40 will probably be even better yet. You could not pay me enough to make me go back to 17. Don't underestimate how good life gets when you begin to actually understand yourself, become established and have money

MidlifeAspie - i am sad the picture of you and your child is no more as a DP. Boo!

Yeah, I felt I had to change that up. Now that I am a Moderator I don't like the idea of people sending their negative energies at him while they are staring daggers at me

I see people decaying into old age, and I also see old people who remain sound, thin and active up until two weeks until their lights go out.

Most of those who decay, have had nothing to occupy their mind and body with for the past 20 years. It's a sad sight, but they're also a warning to others - you can avoid aging this way.

My Grandfather is 94 and just started having real health problems a year ago. My Grandmother is 93 and has yet to be seriously challenged. Age doesn't have to mean decay.

Hey, you don't have to tell me. Tell that to the OP

At 21, at the peak of my depression, I felt older than my Grandmother who was in her 80's. At 22 I felt younger than I did when I was 16. The happiest, youngest, strongest both physical and mental, and most confident year of my life was at age 45. Excessive stress and health issues were the biggest factors that brought me down after that.

The way you feel can be more relative to what you are doing in life, than any chronological age. The depression at 21 made me more afraid of decay than any other reality, besides real health issues. This initial fear of decay at 21, started a lifelong obsession with exercise, eating well, etc. Optimal health was one of the biggest joys of my life, in itself. It enhances the whole experience. Without the depression at an early age, I don't think I would have developed this healthy obsession, so in some ways, it may have been a good thing.

Who knows, your highest note may be at age 50 or beyond. My mother found hers in her 70's. My Father found his in his 70's. I find the life force among people that are much older than me amazing.