suicidal depression

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I don't know what to do anymore, when I get really depressed I start compulsively looking for places I could hang myself from and I have been doing that, I just feel like it would be easier at this point to go through that process than suffer any more. I stopped going to my therapist cause I just don't feel like human beings can help me anymore. I have not much armor at all against negative feeling and if I try to put armor on it blocks all the good and I end up feeling bad either way. This world seems like a bad dream at this point and when I have a bad dream I lie down and let whatever is chasing me attack me and I wake up then.

Why are you feeling depressed ? Because of social, etc... ?

Humans can help you. Perhaps some professionnals can't. But here, we know what it means to be autistic, I think that a lot of us thought about suicide too, and it may be easier to talk anonymously.

Meow.

I get thoughts like that when I'm depressed and I start shutting everyone out. I think you should put your armor on and talk your doctor about what you're feeling. Taking/Increasing medications could help.
Life does feel like a trial, but I think you should keep fighting.

you're an intelligent person purchase, I'm sure you realise that you need professional help. even if it was true that human beings can't help you, maybe our drugs could. we have some good drugs.

I thought about committing suicide tonight. I came pretty close too. My mother can be verbally and mildly physically abusive. I've been being processed for special family counseling, because my parents don't know how to cope with my disorders. Today I was so depressed I couldn't get out of bed. My mother came in and told me I didn't love her because I don't participate in family events or help her around the house enough. I was trying to help her get stuff ready for Halloween, but she was getting frustrated with how slow and extremely forgetful I am. I shut down and curled into a little ball on the floor because she was talking about how bad a person I am with my father. She dragged me out of the room because the sight of me curled in a ball emotionless and speechless was pissing her off more. She didn't notice that I forgot to feed myself today too. I spent most of today trying to distract myself from wanting to commit suicide. I hate hospitals too. Just the thought of having to go to the hospital every time my family stresses me out and shuts me down makes life seem not worth living. The mental health services have failed me many times. They don't have any trained staff to deal with my aspie meltdowns only meds which do nothing for me on those occasions.

I only want to make people happy I; brought so much misery instead I brought so much misery. i'm not of the constitution that can bring people happiness I just spread my misery and shadowy worldview. Any kids I would have would be depressed as f**k even if they're only half this unhappy. why am I even alive. Gets harder every day, I just don't have what it takes. It breaks my heart the things that happen.

These things are harsh. I still feel like I'm watching the grades and bars I'm supposed to meet sail right over my head and as my life sits still I'm falling further and further into permanent childhood territory simply because there's no way for me to rise to the occasion.

I think we're in positions where we have two options - the first is really sit back and be creative about how we make income, take every bit of potential we have at being self-sustaining and throw ourselves at that as well as making a life for ourselves in our endeavors. The other is contemplating a quick exit, and sometimes the first path when it meets enough dead ends can collapse into the second. For whatever reason I'm still here and it seems like I can see myself a absolute wreckage, a life that needs the delete key, but on the days I actually am saying "WTF, I'll do it tonight" all kinds of emotions well up that I didn't expect, its probably just my own mind, body, and billions of cells throwing up a defense my all of a sudden feeling very loved by something intangible, almost like my life itself has sentience beyond 'me' so to speak and its trying to hug me out of thinking that way - which typically has me in tears wondering how on earth it can be this hard to make a decisive stance on one's own existence when the world around us is so expedient and brass-tacks about putting us here.

Truthfully I have no idea whether things will take shape or whether I'll continue to glide down. My attitude though - it'll be what it'll be and, as before I won't rule anything out of my options either. That said I'm a bit nervous about even posting this, there's a lot here that I don't share with people and I'm sure a lot of people who'd judge me for feeling this way for what they perceive me having IRL but these kinds of things have varying mileage on internal reality for people.

Lol, sorry if that's not a lot of comfort but - I guess the best I can do as well is say I empathize and offer a bit of my own sense of things.

Sometimes you just need a really understanding, positive and kind friend more than medicine or therapy.



I'm really sorry you're feeling like this and I can relate. Please don't hurt yourself.

You make me happy by coming on to WP every day. I also love your avatar because it makes me happy, because it's cute. Hugs. :O)

I wouldn't agree that human beings can't help, per se. Sometimes it can be useless to talk with people who've never been through similar experiences, but talking with people you can relate to can sometimes be quite healing.

Speaking of which, Purchase, did you ever get the chance to make it to one of the GRASP meetings in Berwyn? I used to go to them regularly and it gave me the chance to meet a lot of cool people. I haven't been to any since August because I was hit by a drunk driver over Labor Day weekend and developed a bit of PTSD over driving and traveling by car, as a result. So, as much as I used to like going to the meetings, I've honestly been fearful of making the long drive to Philly.

But, if you would want to go to the next meeting on Saturday Nov. 12th, we can make a pact to both go. It would probably be helpful for both of us, if we kind of peer-pressure each other into going.