Suicidal thoughts

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I've worked so hard in my life. Lost 90lbs kept it off for a year, graduated college with honors, I'm a white guy that can break dance, I've learned three languages, I make costumes for cons, I can deadlift 360lbs, I'm in graduate school, etc. but no one knows how hard it is for me with aspergers. It takes me three times the effort because my racing thoughts and PTSD torture me. I think about suicide at least ever 10 seconds and they're starting to get elaborate. Honestly I can't stand the stress and mental exhaustion anymore. Why can't I be like everyone else ? Wouldn't it be better if I just died so I don't reproduce, because honestly I haven't been happy in years

First off, when you're here you *are* like everybody else. That was a tremendous boon to me and I hope you'll feel good too. Hang out as much as you can and you'll see - you fit right in! Promise.

And keep posting! We want to hear from you. This will work for you, I'm sure of it. It's not everything, but it's a lot.

Hi and short answer is No! killing yourself has catastrophic consequences on those around you. Please remember that there are others who like me picture themselves free falling from a bridge with thoughts of release from the pain and suffering an autistic spectrum disorder brings especially when having to live like an NT.
Just so you know that although we are different in our hobbies we share very similar pain. I have an NT girlfriend who just this week broke down and i simply watched her cry as I was helpless in resolving the amount of affection she craves due to my touch sensitivity. The next day at work (very busy enviroment with multi-tasking) I also broke down and said that this wasthe end for me (the end of the career I have worked so hard for) you see if I stay in my job my relationship fails as we arw simply not connecting.
The actual message I would like to get across is to slow down. take more time for thinking about your strenghs and what is your nemesis. What is it that is breaking you. Having a brain disorder is challenging but try and work with it. It sounds like you are proud of what you can do but also that it is burning you out and causing you to become emotionally unstable. slow down and find the pressure points. Then work on your stengths and learn to accept who you are. I have worked hard for 20 years building a career but never first took the time to find my strengths. it has got me a good paid job but lost my mental state and relationship. I'm now admitting I need to re-think and then do less of the fighting for stature and love my partner and life as me, an autistic person who has something special to give. By learning to listen to my soul, I have seen my true self. I will have less money but more mental stabilty.

Hiya Bulkaspie! Welcome to WP!

Please take notice of what the above two posters have said. There is nothing much more I can add to what they have written.

I am glad you have turned up here though and I hope you do find the support you need.

I agree with Morph. If you can slow down, stop, get away from the stress, temporarily, for a little while it will help.

Just stop, don't think about all of that.

Grad school is a radically unkind environment, usually run by people who were themselves psychologically abused into PhD-hood and who're either hanging onto tenure hopes by a thread or overpaid and still deeply miserable. If there's a way for you to do what you want to do professionally without grad school (and unless you mean to be an academic or something where you need professional-school licensure, there probably is), please seriously consider leaving academia. Don't fall for this baloney where they haze you into a quivering jelly for X years, then tell you you're superspecial because you survived the hazing.

If you've been diagnosed, go to your university's office dealing with student disabilities, and make sure they're accomodating you. Your dept will likely be terrified of failing to accommodate you in any prescribed manner that leaves the university exposed to lawsuits.

Also, please be assured that at least half your grad-school colleagues are also suicidal and are substantially medicated.

Thank you everyone, but it's hard for me not to feel like a failure. I can't do anything with the degree I have, the only reason why I got my Ba in Psychology was to figure out what the is wrong with me, or if it's just normal human behavior. It helped me learn how to act in crowds, meeting new people, etc. But I'm sick of not being me. Yet every time I let a little piece of myself out, I get into trouble. I have still have no idea how to interact with anyone because they all think I'm a freak. Chatting isn't even an option for me. my latest breakdown was when my boss ( I work at the YMCA) asked all the coaches to ask people for donations for our annual scholarships. Talking with people, trying to sell something intangible, playing the role of an NT. I don't know how the rest of me coworkers can hit these people up for donations. after that one day i went into a full blown panic attack and only made it out because of my benzos.

My resume is fantastic, I have an I.Q. of 15O, all I do is read non fiction books, but guess what? No one highers someone like me and everyone hates the smart person. Trust me, If I could find a good job now I'd take it, but right now I'm screwed. Even my therapist said that she was surprised I made it this long in school without doing something I'd regret.

I'm just sick of it all.

It would get me very upset if a therapist told me, while I was upset, that she was surprised I made it as long or as far as I did. I am not criticizing her, just noticing what she said. Aspies take things literally, she is an authority and I would take that as meaning I can't make it.

This IS NOT what she meant to tell you. IMO anyway. I think she intended sympathy and support or something. You are are MUCH stronger than those words imply.

If what you are saying is you had a meltdown over suddenly and unexpectedly being asked to request donations, and the meltdown caused problems at work, and now you hate yourself more, then yes. We have all had meltdowns, most have felt awful after. I'm sorry you are struggling so much.

But you don't sound like a freak. I understand the feeling, though, and it's awful.

Then what am I supposed to do, keep working my butt off, fighting my anxiety during class while panicking during tests.(I'd be an A+ student if my stress level was at a 3/10 instead of 11/10), learn more skills until someone notices me, while having to keep my mouth shut around these volitionally ignorant idiots that are far more successful regardless of my advanced degree. I hate to quote a Disney movie (well not really) but when will my life begin?

My life began when I was around 39. It was well worth the wait. I have a number of difficulties in my life, but, I treasure it. Right now I am fighting to live every month[ dare I say year?], week, day, hour, and minute that I have remaining. I have learned that having a lot of crap in my life by no means suggests that I have a crappy life,. When I was young i dreamed of being like the "Velveteen Rabbit" when I got old. Well. I achieved my dream. I never would have if I had spent an easy life sitting on a shelf. Becoming a worn, threadbare Velveteen Rabbit isn't easy, but it's worth it.

Here's something that might interest you - it's an article by Temple Grandin listing jobs for people with Asperger's.

http://www.iidc.indiana.edu/?pageId=596

I was an undertaker for a while. You do not want to go through all that horrible stuff that happens when you die. Also, suicides have autopsies and the organs are sent back in a bag, they are not put back in. You will spend eternity with all your organs in a heavy duty plastic bag laying on your feet. Don't do it.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

I don't really have any advice, I didn't even get through college....but I can relate to having suicidal thoughts, been having difficulties with that myself lately and it certainly can really suck. Any way you could slow things down a bit, like lower the amount of stress you're dealing with so maybe you could handle it a bit better without getting so exhausted? stress overload is never a good thing.

Can't really say 'it gets better' as I don't know, but I don't think it would be better if you died...perhaps looking into some kind of therapy or something could help, I know it sucks feeling like crap all the time but perhaps getting help with it might make you feel better.

How about seeing a therapist?

Your problems seem to be related to stress. All those negative thoughts and worries come from being overwhelmed running at 110% all the time. The situation you are in is stressful. A therapist won't make the stress go away, but I bet he/she can teach you how to deal with it better. I have just gone through two years of hell working full-time and going to school full-time and that is what worked for me. Now I am on the other side of it and I am still scratching my head about how I got through it.

How about congratulating yourself on all your accomplishments? I have a genius level IQ and I haven't accomplished nearly any of the stuff you have.

I just barely made it to graduation a couple of months ago with a B.S. in Psychology after 11 years of trying. Now I am unemployed and living at home with my mom. I have no idea how I am going to pay for the student loans and my car loan and the credit card I have been living off of unless I declare bankruptcy. You know what though? I am not despondent about the future. I am just doing the best I can to get by (including looking for a low-paying psychology job or some manual labor job because my degree is worthless). I know I am doing good internally because I continue to be in therapy and get support from other people as well.

You will get through this. You just need some support. Graduate school doesn't last forever!

Except for about a total of 2 years out of my life, I don't think I have ever been truly happy.
There are things I am glad of, and that makes me happy, like my son.
But I have depression and its biological, and most medications do not work for me.
And I have had a few traumas in my life that left me with PTSD.
I felt suicidal before just I was to cowered to do it, its been years though since I felt that way.


Life is what you make it, its that it sucks when you have biological issues that prevent you from enjoying it.

Those couple years I was the most happy, was when I was in relationships, those honeymoon stages is fun.
past that (shrugs)