I attacked my little brother :'(

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I was doing the recyclables this morning and I was still mad about a fight I had with my parents a couple days ago. I was thinking about what happened and a water bottle fell off the counter. It annoyed me a little and I put the bottle back on the counter. It fell off again so I started yelling to myself just to get out all that pent up frustration. Then my little brother told me to shut up. Now, I'm a person who has, throughout his life, has been repeatedly told to shut up by people and at 17 I'm really sick of it. So I get up and we get into a little grapple fight. He keeps yelling at me to calm down and eventually I let go and take the phone outside to call mom and tell her what happened. She said that she'll be home in a few mins and she told me not to do anything more. I started thinking about what happened and I decided that I didn't care about the punishment and that My brother needed to be taught a lesson. So I went back inside and attacked him again. Thankfully he wasn't bleeding or anything. he said that if I let go he would leave the house. So I let go and he left. A few mins later my mom came home and she apparently found my brother because i heard them talking down stairs. Now i feel really bad and I don't know what to do. This wasn't the first time my anger got the best of me and it interfered with family life but this was the worst. I'm seriously considering killing myself so I'll no longer be a hindrance to the family.

Don't kill yourself! Tell your brother you are sorry and explain meltdowns/Asperger's to him.

It might be a good idea (today, tomorrow, you know) to describe to your brother some ways in which he can tease or playfully insult you which don't trigger your anger. If you have triggers that he needs to respect (who doesn't?) he might feel that ALL his options to defend thimself are being taken from him. Letting him know what things he CAN do and say to you in less-than-fighting ways, as well as those things he CAN'T do, would better describe his boundaries. No?

double post

When I get the urge to attack anyone I've ended up hitting/throwing things...better than people I guess, but that still sucks to and isn't the best way of handling anger either. Either way though you'll have to find some sort of solution because you're almost 18....attacking people over that age can get you in more legal trouble obviously. I mean it sounds like initially it sort of turned into a meltdown, but I doubt you 'had' to go back in and attack him again whereas initially you lost it and I get that, I haven't quite had that in any meltdowns with those I more just really anxious but not the same way as with an anxiety attack but I also have PTSD so I can get triggered and could end up hitting someone or trying to defend myself in some way before I realize whats going on so sort of like an autism meltdown looks the same to outside observers probably...but if I where to walk away, things sort of mellow out and then go back and try to continue that I'd have no legal grounds to defend myself on. But it seems you realize that isn't the right thing to do...so that's a start....as for the initial losing control not sure of a solution to that unfortunately.

I've also felt suicidal quite a few times, and part of it is I hate losing control and causing any issue for anyone else.....

I'm guessing your brother is close to you in age? It's pretty normal to get into fights with your siblings I think, I know I certainly did a lot growing up as the oldest. The same scenario as yours on more than one occasion. I'd say me and brother probably took it to the extreme and it caused us to have nasty tense relationship for about 10 years. I'm already a person apt to losing control and snapping at people when I get overwhelmed or the testosterone gets pumping so challenges within the sibling hierarchy could get very ugly.

On the other hand I've been really sick of him lately. He's always bragging that he's the more "mature" one out of the two of us. The f****r literally thinks that because he's more mature than me that he's better than me in every conceivable way.... so maybe I can think about it like I put him in his place?

yep...it would cause the attention to be focused on HIM. Not very mature of him, right?

Ya know what f**k it. I'm sick of his passive aggressive behavior. I'm not sorry anymore. He can shove his dick in the f*****g vacuum cleaner for the amount of f***s I f*****g give. My mom said that if I put my hands on him again than she's calling the police. That son of a b***h is lucky that I don't walk up stair and pound on his sorry ass. My parents are f*****g unfair. He deserved what he got!! The way he told me to shut up was disrespectful and won't stand for it!! That's it!! when I get my own house none of my family members are allowed in there. If my brother or any of my family tries to step one foot in my house they're gonna get shot! That's how it's gonna be! I won't have to see any of those motherf***ers again. I'll be free from their BS.

Now I am not so sure I think the initial thing was a meltdown...I mean its clear you actually do want to harm people, and don't give a damn what happens should you do that. For all I know you've had instances like this before and your brother might be fed up with your behavior towards him, I have yelled at my mom and her boyfriend to shut up when they argue and start yelling and screaming at each other because after a while it does get obnoxious same with my moms boyfriend when he acts ridiculous and starts slamming stuff around and b****g because a cupboard door was open in the kitchen. But hey it's your life just be aware if that is how you are going to be things certainly aren't going to get any better, you'd have to deal with a lot more annoying things than you are now if you get sent to jail over beating up your brother or anyone else.

U guys are right I'm sorry.... I guess I just don't know how to control my anger.

You sound very similar to how I did, and my whole family was EXTREMELY abusive. The fact that you contemplated having your own house, them trying to come in, and you shooting them tells me it's possible you are in a similar situation. Do you worry about them harassing/stalking you when you move out? Don't give them your number or contact information when you finally decide to move. I'm pretty sure you know that shooting and/or beating your brother isn't good regardless of what's going on. Your anger gets the best of you, right? You need help for that. However, I will tell you that I did all of that and more. People told me I would end up in jail, killing someone, or worse. Yet, no one listened to my cries for help. My parents are almost like sociopaths. One might even be one.

When I left at the age of 18, my anger completely melted away. I was just depressed because of everything that happened to me. I moved thousands of miles away so my mother couldn't continue to stalk me easily.

The next time your brother tells you to "shut up", say "nope" and walk away. Punch a wall if you have to in order to avoid hitting him. Go for a LONG walk. If your parents treat him like he's perfect and can do no wrong, you won't be able to change that. If they consider you bad no matter what you do, you also won't be able to change their minds. I don't know if this is really what's going on, but how you worded everything sounds SO SIMILAR to how I spoke back at your age that I had to consider it.

Oh, and don't listen to the person who said it was right for your brother to tell you to "shut up" because people shouldn't have to deal with you yelling at yourself. That makes no sense and is very insensitive, especially when one is suicidal. You might as well tell him his family shouldn't have to deal with his other autistic behaviors, either. If they shouldn't have to deal with his yelling, he shouldn't have to deal with being told to "shut up". One-sided relationships are very invalidating and cruel.