Tollerance towards autism as a disguise for contempt?

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I can't believe I'm posting in this section, but something clicked into place for me yesterday and not in a good way

How many people, underneath a benevolent attitude, actually see as as inferior and even expandable?

Until I joined this forum I had no idea how common it is for parents to wish their autistic children dead or try, successfully or not, to kill them. I had no idea they often get lighter sentences and I was fully unaware of how much sympathy and support they get from the public...

On a lower scale, I was also blissfully unaware how much condescension and contempt lurks behind some self-proclaimed tolerant behaviour. As if those who treat us humanly then bond with each other over feeling warm and cosy inside for treating a disabled person as if they were as good as themselves.

It might seem ridiculous and naive, but I'm incredibly affected by this thought. It makes me feel so sad and angry at the same time.

Anybody gets what I'm talking about?

Yes, many people cover up their guilt and fear through good actions. There are few saints out there. Most, just try to survive. I see contempt and hate. It is rampant in this world. Looking for the good makes it easier for me to tolerate the bad.

Yes, I get exactly what you're saying.

I get very tired of being a project, or a cause, or a case to be pitied.

I'm a person. I have some struggles. All of them have a reason; some of them have a name.

But, if I'm not allowed to use it for an excuse and expect to get a pass for acting like an ass, then no one is allowed to use it to make me an object of goody-two-shoes pseudo-altruistic pity, either.

If I have to keep fighting to work around or overcome it, then you have to keep fighting to view me as a person, the same as (for all I am not identical to) yourself.

That's the strange part: I've built a good life for myself and went to hell and back to do so. I have good people around me. But I also know that civilised people don't openly admit to the kind of feelings I mentioned even if they have them. I don't want my mind poisoned by the doubt that at least some of my friends might actually think "there, I did my good dead for the day and treated that blundering fool with kindness".

Thank you, you understand perfectly where I'm coming from!

So many people here who knew from and early age they were unwanted and a burden, so many suffering neglect and abuse from those meant to protect them.

So many people who don't spare a thought for the murdered children and so many parents coming here to say; "I love my child TO DEATH , but *insert rant about how they hate everything about the kid*". They need to vent and bond with others over their problems and it doesn't even cross their minds how devastated their "loved ones" would feel to find out how they really see them.

After decades of working hard, learning body language, coping mechanisms and rules nobody ever explained to me, after my diagnosis even getting the idea that in some ways the onus is always on my to accommodate others, no matter how absurd their demands and expectations, because I'm the defective one, I sure as hell resent being treated with condescension and at best pity, often by people who's achievements amount to... being born normal

I don't think there is anything wrong with a parent getting support from other parents. If people pat each other on the back, it doesn't necessarily mean that they have contempt for others; they are just acknowledging each other's struggles.

Some people have a 'destroy the evil autism' attitude though and it isn't helpful because autism is a part of who we are; it isn't a cold. We can't just take a pill and get over it. But we can learn how to be the best we can be, just like everyone else.

Neither do I, but those who make a public spectacle of their children's' struggles in order to make themselves feel better, those who pat each other on the back merely for treating us as human beings, and those who imply or openly state that a parent killing their kid might be excusable because autism are starting to get to me.

I'm venting here about them in particular, I'm aware there are also perfectly reasonable, loving parents or just NTs who use this forum and I'm not talking about them.

These type of jerks will exploit anything and anyone. Some parents will even make their kid physically sick on purpose to get attention (NT kids or Autistic kids; it doesn't matter to them).

But I hear you; exploiters look for loopholes, so if they know you have autism, they will use it against you, "No, I'm not wrong, the autistic person misunderstood!"

These creeps harm everyone if they can.

Yes, that's it, regardless of neurology. I've read some terrible stories here about the abuse and torment some people suffered at the hands of their autistic parents or spouses and I have nothing but contempt myself for the autism supremacy rants.

But I still have hard time dealing with passive-aggressive people hiding behind self proclaimed compassion. I'm wondering what methods others use to cope with such pervasive attitudes.

You are correct. The world is a tough place. Trying to distinguish between kindness, compassion, contempt and pity is brutal. I am guilty of contempt and pity. I also take pleasure in kindness and compassion. I try to be a good person, not always successful at it.

Yes, it is my fault. Yes, I must try harder..... That's life.

Did something happen?

I know what you mean. I have had a few real friendships, but i have also had my share of "pity friendships." Those are the people who thought i "needed a friend" so took me up on my invitation to do coffee or shopping or whatever. It has happened from time to time since i was a child.

The most recent case was the one that irritated me the most. I should have known better. The two ladies who took me on as a sort of "pet project" (but i thought it was real friendship) were beginning a moms' group. I was looking for friends and started attending events. Then one of their group lied about me, twisting something that i had said one evening when the group was at my house. This lie resulting in my husband saying she was no longer welcome at our home when the group got together. I was fine with that as i began to see i could not trust her. The two group leaders, who had "befriended (poor, needing-a-friend me)" said that as i was not being "forgiving" enough, they could no longer come to my house if this other person was not invited to group things.

Guess they were not the real-est kind of friends and guess their pet project (me) was just that--a pet project and not any actual wish to be my friend.

Yes, I know what you mean. And in light of your last post, it never fails to stagger me how easily NT lie. They do it as easy as breathing.

Here's a light hearted quote from Camus: "Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.", only in my case you have to alter it to "Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to appear normal for periods of up to an hour. On a good day".

Here's another quote from Ian Dury:“Disability isn't about being brave, it's about being organised.” With an invisible disability the amount of effort to keep it that way can be crippling.

Back on topic - I do notice that there could be a phenomena where the trendiness of something in the media (like aspieness and also disability of the more able in general) could actually be linked to increased persecution (like the government crack down on people claiming disability benefits we've had in the uk).

Hope you don't mind if I quote myself. In British Law an employer or other is required to make "Reasonable Adjustments" for the disabled, one of my favourite quips to people is "With my condition, I naturally require unreasonable adjustments" - and there is dark truth in this.

Yes, behind my quips there is someone who's mother appeared to wish he had never been born. Few get close enough to me to show fake sympathy.

Hope I'm making sense, your post seems to have hit a raw nerve - and there's nothing wrong in that.

Such comments tend to accumulate in my mind and sometimes form a bigger picture. By talking to people in this thread (by the way, thank you all for the quality comments) the reason why this bothers me so much starts crystallizing a bit in my mind. I'm not personally affected by such attitudes in real life and nobody these days can afford to be condescending and patronising towards me, at least not to my face. I've played by society's rules and earned others' respect. But this position in society is merely WHAT I am, not WHO I am, while autism is indeed a part of who I am. I'm fully aware that except for my wife and one or two friends, nobody respects or loves me for who I am but for what I am and in some cases, what I can do for them. So, apart from this, is the thought that who I am (autistic) makes me inferior lurking in most people minds? Is my neurology making me expandable and less of a person in their eyes, less worthy of sympathy than someone who murders their child?

Yes, that's life and I know it's not "fair", but while I can stand up for myself now, what will become of the kids who grow up with families that show them in so many ways they are nothing but a burden and are being told, just as you tell yourself, that it's their fault?

I know I can't "fix" the world, so I try to ignore idiotic comments and concentrate on the good things I have or see around me, instead of engaging in pointless arguments with people who barely pay attention to what you say and twist it into what they think you mean. Yet sometimes I feel like a coward for it and almost responsible through association.

Yes, learning to make the difference between "friendliness" and true friendship takes time and a few tough lessons. It took me years of training myself to even start seeing through the web of lies and deceit that most people can navigate through or weave themselves instinctively. I make a clear distinction between mere acquaintances and real friends, who proved their worth in time.

I'm glad you have a good man beside you, my wife also helped and protected me along the years.



I've gotten used to lies, yet it still bothers me how much of a need such people have to find moral justifications for them and often try to force you to become their "accomplice" in this process.

She apologized later, after she was called out on it. But in her apology, she said that she didn't even remember what she said that could have been untruthful. I wished she wouldn't have bothered to apologize because it wasn't really an apology. It just made everyone else shun me more since she had "apologized" and i still wouldn't have her at my house.

I had served iced tea with a small amount of peach schnapps in it. It was very smooth, with barely a taste of alcohol. I jokingly said, "you could serve this to your grandmother without her knowing there was alcohol in it at all." (my grandmother is a complete teetotaler and i would never serve her alcohol!)

This untrustworthy person then took my offhand remark, twisted it, and told people at another moms' group function--conveniently, one which at which i was not there to defend myself--that i spiked my grandmother's drinks without her knowledge.

Not only was it a complete lie, stupid, and twisting my words, it could totally damage someone's reputation. One of the ladies at my home that evening was a pastor's wife. If someone spread the word that she spiked people's drinks without their knowledge, her husband could have been asked to leave his church over it. But in the eyes of the group, my reputation was not as important as being trusting of an untrustworthy liar of course.

Anyway, enough derailing of the thread by me. I know the feeling of being looked down on and i hate it. Not sure what to do about it though. Other than walk away from this type of stupidity.