Lower then dirt, couldn't feel like worse of a person

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I don't think this is a rant but its not really a question either, I am bad with communication so it is what it is and it probably will suck as a post but anyway,

My self esteem can not get lower, I feel horrible all the time, I cry all the time. I wish I was dead, I carry on so my suicide will not be a burden to my family and I would say religion but I fear God doesn't loves me. Other Christians didn't for good reason and I imagine God also won't for good reason. I am horrible person, I reflect back and I see all the horrible things that I have done and I didn't even consider that they were horrible which makes them that much more horrible in my mind. It seems I have no conscience and when I did its too late which is no good. I feel like the lowest level of scum on the planet. Guilt and shame is unreal, there hasn't been one thing that I haven't f****d up, all my relationships ended and most these people told me to kill myself while I was at it which given how I acted, I think is a fair response. May not have been word per word but I would say 80% of my relationships ended in some type of confrontation. Sometimes I say that wasn't my intention but I don't even know if that is true, I can't trust my thoughts cause I don't trust my actions.

So I was given some sour grapes, that still doesn't change my response which has been s**t in most cases. I hate myself, I loathe myself. I can't think lower of myself if I tried. I think most days I should drink bleach, I would say most people that have know me would agree. I can think of 10 or 20 off the top of my head that would and that is not a good statistic. I frequently doubt myself, I frequently consider that no love would be lost if I was to just end it. I was a horrible college student, employee, christian, family member. Nothing I have done has amounted to anything more then pain and suffering.

I don't know how to start a conversation because I am so much of a piece of s**t but I posted some stuff in random which belonged here but I didn't post it here cause I didn't know how to start a thread and I imagine this is a pretty bad way to start a thread but I would like to quote some of the other thread.

DataB4 wrote:

DCJ, what last episode? I've been following this thread for a while and haven't seen anything hate worthy. I mean, we do hate when you hate yourself though. I hope that posting about it makes you hate yourself less, even if just a tiny bit

My last suicidal drug episode Monday night / Tuesday morning. I have been drug free since but I was drunk and on hard drugs and suicidal as hell. See all the deleted posts in my history, I am still suicidal but I can fight the urge when I am not on hard drugs and I don't even have suicidal urges on cannabis. Unfortunately, whatever yours or other peoples opinion is, cannabis is not an option right now and I had severe PTSD flashbacks and anxiety. I left my apartment to get a single beer to cope and I came back with $40 worth of death and destruction that I slowly took all Monday night / Tuesday morning until I was ready to fly out the window. That is the truth for what its worth, anxiety and depression is unreal. I cried about 2-3 hours a day on cannabis and I have cried non stop since Monday off of cannabis.

You should adopt the persona of a Wolfman.

Know that you are a viable person, especially in this Computer Age....by virtue of your knowledge of computers.

You are in a state of danger with regard to self-harm behavior. In my opinion, you should go into the hospital. I don't think a suicide hotline is going to cut it.

If you do go to the hospital, go with the attitude that you are unable to help yourself and try to allow others to help you.

Best of luck, dcj. I hope you come out of this OK.

Well the problem is the medical community hurt my trust when they locked me up before this last year and when I didn't express to them suicidal thoughts. I hate myself but I hate them more, if I was to go to a psych ward, I would totally destroy that place. If they didn't want to talk to me before and label me danger without even speaking to me then next time I am there I will be sure to be a danger. I hate authority so much, I was rarely suicidal out side of this last year and I would rather cope with the thoughts myself then have them drug me and not even ask me why I am upset. All they were to me was jail by proxy, get arrested, find out I am autistic and then psych ward. They admitted me sometimes without even speaking to me and wrote down things in my medical records I never said. I might be a piece of s**t but the mental health community is worse and only in it for the money. I can name example after example but one example was me walking out of a therapy session which is some how is a crime I don't know how and being taken to a hospital. They ask me how I feel, I was beyond reasonable and said I would just like to go to work, they institutionalized me.

I escaped from the psych ward once (and very carefully removed my own IV while I was at it) and was living a fine non suicidal life for several weeks before they took me back. If I was such a f*****g danger to myself why would you have to drag me back to a psych ward a whole two weeks later when I was working and living a productive life. f**k those people, I hope they f*****g die. They care for profit and they love for cash. They never helped me, when I brought up issues to them what would be nice would be telling me what to do. I might be in an unreasonable state now but I wasn't then, I would have done anything they asked and they grossly abused their authority. By not helping me socially they essentially caused me to be like this, I hate those f*****s so much. They have ruined my life, I got to leave before I break my keyboard but I have a lot more to say about those evil f*****s. I HOPE THEY BURN IN f*****g HELL.

you're a wonderful person.
But you don't believe me.
You choose to believe in horrible people
Who hurt you
Why do you do that?

I know why.
Because those people have more power over you.

I have no power.
i am nobody.
So why should I be believed?

When I try to help
I make it worse
Because you have all those people in your head
Telling you you're horrible
They have louder voices than me
I can't compete.

Dcj, you are a wonderful person
You are kind to others
You are considerate of others' feelings
You are caring
You are a good friend
You are worthy of love

Please copy these words, print them out and stick them everywhere you look.
Write them on the mirror in your bathroom.
In the loo.
On your screen.
Paint them on the walls (no don't, you may get evicted )
Start believing.
Don't be afraid.

Hey, you really aren't that bad! I'm pretty sure you could fix the world's most broken and unfixable computer! Look around this site, Dcj. There are plenty of people who don't want you to... You know.

A bit of strong language but words escape me and music is the cracks in my broken soul,

Cool.

I myself am cultivating an Oli attitude to life:

MFU IYDGAF!
(You know the song)

I will only give a f**k to those things worth giving a f**k about.
I happen to give a f**k about you.

Damn after my Lisbeth Salander fangasm in random, I having the urge to pierce myself a few dozen times. That would fulfill self harm in a mostly safe way but I don't want piercings. I do but I must fight the urge. God I want her earrings so so bad. There is no real reason to post this but piercings express pain and a failure to follow social norms.

You're a very accomplished and smart person, DCJ.

Sometimes, the simple solutions are just as good as the complicated solutions.

You're my buddy, DCJ.

I don't like it when you feel hopeless.

Because you know lots of things. And you can be useful to the world.

I wish you can just make a clean slate of your past, and start over, buddy.

Forget about what this person did to you....and that person did to you!! !! !! !

It pisses me off that you're like this!

It's because I can't begin to match the knowledge you have of practical things.

I can't respond to what you write, because it's far beyond my league.

Stop doing this crap to yourself, Man!

It's frustrating.....and you're stubborn!

It's a brave new world, DCJ!

You're here, amongst friends.

No more Invalidation!

Don't let anybody Invalidate you!

Are you still on WP, DCJ?

I just think you're an okay guy...and I wish you didn't have to feel those feelings.

I wish there was a way you could really rise up from those feelings. There are definitely ways.