I have just realised how stupid and unsuccessful I am

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I am really stupid. Here's why:-
I have just overheard a conversation between my mum and a friend of hers, and he was saying about his 3 children (all in their 20's now) and how they did badly in school as teenagers. They skipped school many times, got in trouble, didn't get good grades, and one got into drugs while the other two almost ended up being teen mums. But the youngest two somehow managed to get into college or university, and the oldest didn't go to college at all, but still got herself a job when she left school.

Now all three are successful in their jobs. One runs a care home and earns good money, the other is happy in his job as a construction worker, and the youngest has been promoted in her job and earns lots of money at a spa where rich celebrities go.

I feel so useless. I wasn't a rebel at school like they were, I struggled acedemically but I still just about passed my exams, and I've been busy since I left school (studied at college, volunteered unpaid work, and took courses), and what am I now? A cleaner, in a low-paid job, bored and unhappy.

How can this be? I am such a loser, with no confidence, and thick as s**t.

i am more useless than u since i have no job. I always wanted to get a job that is good for people with aspergers but... i cant find such job. Should i study for university and graduate a university? I want to be a computer programmer. is it worth to study university.

At least your weren't born male and you have a SO who loves you.
I'm similar in failure to you with tons of debt from going to college. And due to being male and those things I'm unloveable so forced to be unhappy and lonely forever. Only thing I have is video games and shaving and the very few customers I help and feel grateful towards me for it.

My niece is more successful for then me. Has a husband, car and their own house and works a good paying job.
I know 17 olds who have jobs and gfs and I'm 28 soon to be 29

Hugs

I hear you, Joe.
Cleaning is the pits. I used to do it too, but with the sh!t people put on you for being nothing in that job, being unemployed is almost preferable.
The strategy I'm working on, which may be helpful to you, is to retrain at a higher level. I'm hoping that if you have the qualifications and the ability, the autistic-ness won't be as much of a factor as in "entry level" jobs where everything seems to hinge on personality. Could you retrain for something better, university level with tuition assistance for people who need it, or community college level to get you up to it?
I think being well suited and reasonably happy and functional in a job is important for autistics. Feeling unhappy in your job can really have an affect. Making you feel like a loser can definitely be one of them.
I'm with you on feeling totally useless. Maybe try to improve things, incrementally?

Although I only do part-time, I feel stressed at the thought of having my 2 days off filled with studying or having to be at another place. The stress and unhappiness at work weighs me down, and I need time to "recharge" on the days I'm not there. Only other option is to leave the job so that I can have all week free to just focus on doing what I can to get into a job I want. But that's easier said than done, because I can't just leave and earn nothing, and it's so hard to claim any benefits if you just leave your job.

With my mental and emotional state of mind, it makes the working world harder than it already is.

Anxiety: makes looking for a new job daunting for me
ADHD: makes attention and learning new things more difficult for me
AS/social phobia: obviously affects my social skills, so I need to be somewhere where I am not dealing with the public.

The relief at not having to deal with the outside world on a day to day basis overrides any sense of shame or failure I have at not having a job. When I was in work it was a living hell. I'm not a materialistic person anyway, my parents very much were but it didn't bring them happiness. I'll never be able to drive, can't cope with going away on holiday, eating out etc. so I don't need very much money in order to live reasonably content within the limits my condition imposes on me. It would be nice to have enough to not ever have to worry about the future but I guess everybody would say that, in work or not.

Two things. First off, humans lie. Or in this case, they paint a specific picture by only telling part of the truth. It's just part of NTs being social. They put their best foot forward. They tell other people about their successes, not their challenges. This tendency is particularly strong in the US, where we have a culture of self-promotion. You don't know what's actually going on with these kids. I promise you its not all roses and butterflies. Maybe this is a particularly easy period for this family. And maybe it's all going to s**t and you have no idea. It's probably somewhere in the middle. Challenges and successes are all mixed up for everyone.

Secondly, people on the spectrum tend to grow into their adult brains a little later than NTs. So, where you are at 25 really doesn't reflect your potential yet. In the last few years, your brain has probably matured a lot more than those other kids, who did the bulk of their maturing around 19-21. I think it's a really good idea to work some sh*t job for a few years so that you can have some time to figure out what you want to do and what kind of work would be good for you. If you find something that you really want to do that requires a degree, or even an associates degree or a technical certification, you will likely find yourself having an easier time at school. For one thing, you'll know more now that it's OK to ask for help when you need it. 19 year olds are so unpaired for collage - obsessed with looking cool to their peers, wanting to be mature and grown-up. As a older student, you have the chance to let that stuff go. You are 25. You don't have to prove you're a grown up anymore. You can go get help when you need it. You can take fewer course if that's what you need. You can go to your professors and talk to them like they are peers. Which, let's face it, some of those professors are going to be your age. You are peers. You can let down that kid-student thing were you don't expect much from your teachers. You know the value of the dollars you are spending to be there and you have more confidence to ask the school to give you what you are paying for - an education.

Things CAN get better for us later in life. It's OK that its taking you some more time to mature than other young adults. I didn't find my way until I was 35. 35! But now things are going pretty well, knock wood. If a better job is going to make you feel like your life is going somewhere, that's a great place to start. Decide what you want to do and go take steps to get there,

I know he isn't exaggerating about his kid's worklives. I've met them, and I know where they work and what they do. But I thought "oh maybe they got good grades to be able to get where they are now", and then when he said about how they were as teenagers, it shocked me.

Usually the people I know who were into sex and drugs and skipping school as a teenager are now unemployed parents bogged down with kids. Also those sorts of teenagers at school were kids who had low self-esteem, and got with the wrong crowd and got into drugs to make themselves feel better. But these kids of my mum's friend sounds like they're so confident, highly motivated, clever, very socially skilled, and popular. I'm stuck in the job I'm in now because I lack confidence, suffer with executive dysfunction, dim, and lack some social skills.

One of his kids got her first job at 17, straight after leaving school. When I was 17 I was at college studying, and after that I applied for job after job and couldn't get anything.

I mean, to be the manager of a care home is a big and responsible role, and she takes charge of interviews and is very professional in her role.
And the youngest got promoted in her job as a beautician at 21, and now she is the head of a beauty department at a big posh spa place, doing make-up and nails for celebrities, getting tips of up to £50! I mean, wow.

Well, you want my not-polite advice?

Get your nose out of other people's asses.

Focus on yourself. Comparing yourself to anyone is just begging to get depressed. Just do what you need to do to fullfill your own values. Do what you need to do to get your own life in order, one step at time.

I can't believe that wrongplanet didn't *** out the word asses. Our profanity filter really needs work! What else can I get away with saying? Hmmm.

Well, I don't think you're stupid, or a loser.

Despite struggling with academics and other issues (like I currently am) you persevered. You managed to graduate. Which means you're at the very least average in intelligence. Although even I, myself, struggle with not calling myself stupid and useless. I scored in the 37th percentile on an IQ test when I was 15 (I shamefully admit), and I let that define my intelligence for some reason.

Anyways, I think that due to your lack of confidence in yourself, most likely caused by your depression, you perceive yourself as stupid and a loser. If you were a loser you would have just given up with school. But you didn't. You even pursued college (and spelled it right too). So that's excellent.

Lastly, you have problems that a lot of people don't have to deal with, like anxiety, ADHD and depression, that unfortunately prevent you from doing a lot of what you want.

So, please, stop comparing yourself to others. It's not helping you.

I do not ever want to hear you call yourself stupid again!! You are not at all stupid, you have just had bad luck. I know plenty of folks your age who are NT who are underemployed or unemployed. If you want you can fb inbox me and I'll point out about 15 or 20 in that situation right there on my friends list for you!

My youngest daughter is having a problem getting started in life too and she is NT. She wants to start college and get a job but there aren't many jobs in town and she doesn't drive yet because she's nervous about it and she would need to drive to get to school and back, etc. So she helps me around the house and dyes her hair unnatural colors and reads a lot. She will be working soon to help since my husband had a stroke and I'll have the car to take her to and from work. She's gonna work at Walmart. Her friends are in college or married and she hasn't done anything yet and she isn't stupid either. Just bad luck, a lack of resources and some depression.

You aren't stupid, you're just stuck in a rut. How you can get out of it I don't know but I'd be happy to talk to you about it and help you figure something out. Hit me up on fb and we can talk about it or just talk in general. Getting it off your chest may make you feel better.

But you aren't stupid and I don't want to hear that from you again. If I thought you weren't smart I would tell you, and you know I'm pretty straight forward. But you are smart, you just haven't had a chance to use your intellect yet and you see all these other people having the chance and so you assume that you aren't as good as they are. That's a normal emotional reaction, but just because it's a normal reaction doesn't mean it's true. Your not stupid, you're smart and you're capable and you're responsible and competent. You just need a chance to prove it to yourself.

((Hugs))

Message me on fb if you want. I'll probably be up all night tonight.

[quote]I can't believe that wrongplanet didn't *** out the word asses. Our profanity filter really needs work! What else can I get away with saying? Hmmm./quote]

Maybe the filter thought it mean asses as in donkey. The British term is arse, which sounds much more swear-y.

Anyway, I didn't really like the impolite advice much. This is the Haven.

I think I am being jealous of my NT peers, for not having disorders to hold them back, like anxiety. My anxiety isn't just a mild anxiousness that can be cured. It is a major disorder, and is just the way my brain is wired, so it makes me shy away from the working world.

It's just that I know of lots of people with learning difficulties or Down's Syndrome (and other things that can affect IQ) that are in the same position as me; working part-time in a low-paid deadend job. Also those are the people I get on with the most. So, despite my ability to spell and perform posts well on internet forums, I am rather on the dim side.

And anxiety doesn't help. Society doesn't care for emotional problems like that. Just because I can walk, talk and make decisions, it means I am able to work anywhere with no problems, according to the government. I've already been declined any disability support benefits. But work can be emotionally draining for anyone, so for a person suffering with anxiety, ADHD and ASD, it can be a living nightmare.

Maybe you should try again for disability benefits. No point in doing a job that doesn't give you satisfaction. If you have a diagnosis of autism you should qualify for them, depending on where you live.

You know what? I agree with you on two counts. First, arse is a way better curse word. Secondly, that was a little harsh for the heaven. You posted here because you didn't want harsh. I didn't see that it was in the haven, but still. My apologies.

Joe90, you are not stupid or unsuccessful.

While I'm not today exactly a shining example of riches and success in anything, still I hope it counts for something if I share with you that when I was your age, I still didn't even have what you have right now, and was thought incapable by my family, with whom I still lived.

So your being a worker earning an income, being strong enough to hang in there, and having a successful relationship at 25 is actually way ahead of where I was at 25, and I caught up with you a lot later.

This is my way of saying, you have much to be proud of just in what's going on with you even at this moment in your life, even though I know you want a better job (and I'm confident you will achieve that).