The two stages of depression

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Stage 1 There's a thing that I want but it's very difficult to get. I become obsessed with this thing. The macguffin I want could be a house or a degree or a girlfriend. Sometimes it goes in a cycle. In January I'm obsessed with buying a house, in February I'm obsessed with getting a university degree, in March I'm obsessed with getting a girlfriend. Repeat.

Stage 2 I realise that the thing I was obsessed with getting is sort of arbitrary. I could base my whole life around achieving some goal and then decide it's arbitrary. Then I feel emotionally numb. Like there is no goal. No point. Nothing that can make me happy. Even if I get it I won't be happy.

So stage 1 is where I'm sad because I want something and it's almost impossible to get and stage 2 is where I'm sad because I realise that even if I get it I still won't be happy.

This morning I was in stage 1. I had a surgery consultation. I really wanted to buy a house but the surgeon thinks it's important that I have an $8,000 surgery. But I really want to buy a house. I have $11,000 saved up. Maybe halfway to being able to buy a house. If I get the surgury it will add another year but that means another year of paying rent. I feel like every dollar I spend on anything costs double. I pay once for the item and I pay a second time because it means more time spent renting. The older I am when I start paying a mortgage the older I'll be when I finish paying it. What if I want an investment property too? Too late! I should have started younger. It's rotten that I need this surgery because someone born without that problem would have an economic advantage. Am I to be compared with them?

Then comes stage 2. I told my girlfriend about it. I said it was hard for me to decide and that I was really worried and depressed. I said a lot of sad sounding words. Then she dumped me. She pointed out that in my dating profile it says I'm a positive guy but I'm actually quite depressed. I didn't really blame her because if I was a girl I wouldn't want to date a depressed guy either. Also her father is quite wealthy. She said he expects her to marry someone from the same social class. He would not approve of a lower middle class guy like me.

So I'm single again. Do you think I'm obsessed with getting another girlfriend? Nope. I thought getting a girlfriend would make me happy. I had a girlfriend this morning and I wasn't happy so why get another girlfriend? It won't make me happy. Why buy a house? It won't make me happy. Why get a degree? It won't make me happy. Nothing will make me happy!!

Why set arbitrary goals when none of these goals mean anything? I could achieve all three of them and then still be depressed afterwards.

Maybe I should just be happy. Happy for no reason. But something feels really wrong about that. I want to be happy for a reason. Being happy for no reason is what a drug addict experiences when he takes another hit. I want my happiness to have more meaning that that.

Stage 1 is painful but there's still a small slither of hope that I might one day get the thing that I want, even if the odds are a million to one.

Stage 2 is much more painful but there's no way to solve it. There is no goal that will fix it because stage 2 is defined by the absence of a goal.

Stage 1 is like a burning passion but stage 2 is like a void of numbness. I guess feeling numb is worse than feeling pain. The pain will end when the cause of the pain is dealt with but the numbness doesn't really have a cause so it can't ever be fixed.

Sh$t I’m sorry it’s not going well for u at the moment.

Thank you. I'm sorry I'm not doing well as well.

If you don't mind me asking: surgery for what?

Maybe it's something that could potentially be lifesaving.

If it's cosmetic surgery, I wouldn't do it.

What is important to you?

Not cosmetic but not life saving. My upper and lower jaw are misaligned. Not a fatal problem but it causes me discomfort, makes it hard for me to eat certain food and makes it so that I sometimes stumble over my words. I particularly have trouble pronouncing dental consonants and I worry that people will think I sound foolish.

I mentioned to the surgeon that I grind my teeth a lot. He said the reason for this was because with the misalignment, there's no comfortable way to rest one jaw on the other. All this grinding means my mouth has a dull ache all the time.

I really want to own a house like a normal person but if I didn't have a dull ache in my mouth all the time, maybe I'd be less stressed and depressed.

The surgeon strongly recommended I have my lower jaw lengthened by 5 millimetres. He made a very convincing case for why I need it. It could improve my quality of life but then I'll still be renting like a pauper. I feel like I have to pay for it twice because paying for the surgery means paying another year's rent as well.

I guess your health insurance doesn't pay at least part of it?

Everything and nothing.

They can pay a part of it. $8,000 is the remaining cost.

How does you jaw misalignment affect you physically?

What sort of foods do you have trouble eating?

Do you have some sort of "cleft palate?" There are subtle types of this condition.

It's not a cleft palate. I have trouble with certain types of meat since the front teeth are more affected. This why I like eating hamburgers, they have ground meat.

Another problem is that since my previous orthodontic treatment has gone into revision, there are now gaps between all of my teeth that weren't there before. Food gets stuck in those gaps all the time.

However, not all of the problems are food related. There's the speech problem and there's the discomfort problem.

I know this is obvious:

You have to weigh your discomfort against the desire to keep the $8,000 towards your home.

But you knew that already LOL

I think I might opt for the surgery; it is your future, after all.

It's obvious but you put it in neat and simple terms. That helps in a way.

Now back to my other problem of feeling like all my goals are arbitrary.

Totally agree.
Hope seeing this again helps.

I see [the problem].

I wonder if it's really possible to be happy if there's still things you desire, which would make most people out there unhappy. And everyone deserves a partner and friends who don't think less of them because they're not happy. Hope you're feeling better.