Sad and unmotivated

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I just got my acoustic guitar set up by a luthier, costing £70. It was well worth it, though. It sounds and feels a different class of instrument now. The only thing is I can't be bothered to play it. I feel unmotivated.

Whenever I go out where I live I feel assaulted by the people around me. None of them like me or give a damn about me. I'm a nobody. I lost all my high school friends, I'm 31 years old, I have no children, no career, no romance.

In short, I just don't have much to show for 31 years of being alive. It's embarrassing. When I was in my twenties I had a youthful lust for life. I wish I could have channeled that at the time into learning the guitar then, or whatever else might have got me somewhere. At this stage I feel like just sitting in my armchair, stuffing myself with junk food and having lots of naps.

i am 31. i have a nearly 5 year old allistic toddler i cant handle, a failed marriage, incapability to form emotional ties, no job and a few health conditions. sorry, i cant be much help today. i was just pulled out of a noose. again. i am not sure it will last a weekend. sorry, i cant help. i can only whine about myself. useless s**t.

I too find it hard making emotional ties. I even feel often I let people down on here and who I met through aspie support groups offline. When they attempt to bond with me I don't know how to react.

To my mind having a child is a gift, it must be hard if you find this child stressful though.

stress comes from inability to provide her. emotionally in the first place. i know i am failing and cant help it

I have absolutely no advice or words of encouragement... sorry!

Just solidarity in that I feel exactly the same, then I put on weight and hate myself even more and feel even more crap.

I'm 23 though so at least you had some some time to be full of energy!

Pick a song and focus on learning it, I click in my hyperfocus by focusing on small tasks initially until I become obsessed. Sometimes being autistic can be useful!

Oh ok, I lied, I did have some advice.... even if it's a bit crappy!

All the best! You've plenty of years left!

I could suggest things that might make you feel better and more able to be emotionally capable. Most people don't like advice though.



Focusing on one song would be a useful thing to do. I can almost play a few songs, the chords aren't that difficult, it's playing them in a rhythm that sounds like the actual song that's hard. I have a book that tells the chords but it doesn't tell you how many times to strum each one so the changes sometimes sound forced or out of time.

I think I know deep down I have to stop eating cakes, chips and chocolate so much but I'm so bored with things. Anyway I ordered a book on mysteries I really want to read so that might help liven me up a bit.

I wish you all the best too! When you're feeling down turn that frown upside down! That's something a bit like what my mother says.

i dont mind advice. but u lack information im not ready to give. and without that, u cant give a viable advice. thanx for offer, its appriciated. i am working on things, but its a dicey process.

You haven't let anyone down here, your presence on the boards is valuable and valued.

I didn't really start to feel that I was really getting anywhere until my early thirties either; after 30 everything changed, and I became better at consistently working toward goals that were important to me, and achieving them.

A no small part of that was the unexpected arrival in my life of two mentors - unrelated to one another - who saw talent in me and gave me the validation to start believing in it, guidance to maximise it, and encouragement to follow my star.

Looking back from many decades later, I can see that they provided both in their own way, what had always been missing in my isolated inner and outer life. I did know that I had talent before they arrived, but lacked the confidence to believe in it, and the know how as to how to channel it for my own benefit and for the benefit of others. I transitioned quite quickly once the mentors arrived in my life, and for the first time developed trust in others; everything changed.

So I think it is very possible that for you too now, as for myself then, the best is yet to come for you. You have a very pleasing personality, you are nice looking, you have talent, there's a kindness in your character that is very pleasing. What you have to cross is the gulf between you and the world in a way that these qualities can come to the forefront and blossom.

I think we get stuck in that gulf because many things can damage our confidence in ourselves in the first 30 years (perhaps especially for AS people) and we tend to retreat into despair and licking our wounds, and wounds there are;
If someone offered me a trillion dollars to time travel back to those youthful decades, I would laugh myself silly, (and not take the money).

The other thing that I learned in my 30s was to look at and focus on the big picture, and to look forward and not backward.

As I said, I didn't do that without help, support, and people who wanted to see me come into my strengths. I found one of them at university, and the other - oddly enough - in Parliament Buildings where I had gone to present an oral submission. She was in the audience and approached me later on, asking if she and I could work together toward my goal of law change. She saw that we both had talents that were complementary and would dovetail into each others, and that uniting them would be the best way forward for that project. She was right.

After that she stayed on in my life, providing guidance, respect, affection, which acted on me to grow and repair my self esteem and confidence.

For me, at 30, the best was yet to come. For you, at 30, I also think the best is yet to come. I would love to be here in ten years (faint chance though who knows) to read about your blossoming, I have a lot of faith in your future given the "building blocks" I have seen in you.

serpentari, children grow fast. sometimes, it might seem like it will take a million years before they won't need you, but it will go by so fast you will be amazed. What you offer your daughter is total acceptance. You may not feel like you have what she needs right now but you will be invaluable in the long run.

haha doesnt sound like total acceptance with the amount of scolding she gets for minor stuff (especially yelling and other loud noises - my damn oversensitive ears). she'd get to get to the part when we can do acceptance yet(((((((((((((

Ya, these are tough days. But they really don't last as long at it feels. "The days are long but the years are short." *Gretchen Rubin.

And with respect to acceptance - Its not now when its most important. It's when she gets to the part where she wants the world to love her and you are there to always remind her of her value.

ya well, that happens. she realises herself as a person, she wants all the attention in the world, yea. gotta wiggle between support and well, teaching her how it works. thinking she is the center of universe is natural at that age, but she needs to know ropes, and thats a b**** to make happen(

Serpentari, perhaps you could create your own thread, so that the focus in this one can stay on the support that Fifasy is seeking for his dilemmas. It can be disheartening for for OPs in the Haven to ask for help and be barraged with others' issues that over-run their search for encouragement.

Fifasy, I am sorry you are feeling down, especially after getting your guitar luthiered. I second B19s comments about how you are attractive and nice and interesting. I think whatever you are going through right now is temporary. As I have said before, when I am down (and I can still get pretty down), intellectually I know I will feel better, but emotionally, I feel like I will always be miserable for all time and life (and I) am not worth it. But it does pass.

I have had a traumatic relationship with playing music. I have always enjoyed it. What I am doing now is picking at a banjo and not taking any lessons or doing it with any plan. This has helped me most with my music. I'm not very good, but I get enjoyment about any little new thing that I "get", a new chord progression, whatever. I know what you mean about the chords, by not knowing how to strum, or pick, where the emphasis should be, or even what word that new chord starts on. Frequently the charts are not helpful in that latter respect. My ear is not especially good. My mother had perfect pitch and I bet that made things a lot easier. I have to listen and listen and listen. If I can't get something, eventually, I'll try a different song and then come back later.

When I decided to learn banjo, oh my goodness, I thought I would never get anywhere. I could barely pick out "Aunt Rhody" an American tune I think about a dead goose. It has only two chords, G and D. I nearly quit right then. It's been about three or maybe four years of just picking around when I can. Now I have dozens of songs I can pick my way through and a few of them even sound reasonably good. And, I bought a Whyte Laydie banjo reproduction that sounds great. I think that was analogous to your getting your guitar tuned up by the luthier.

What kind of music are you playing?

I would love to see you write songs, Fifasy, because I perceive you as a complex, thoughtful person who is skilful with words in a good way, and that combined with your innate tendency to deep and complex feelings indicates to me that you could potentially translate that into talent into very meaningful lyrics.

I also think that great song writers - even those who are household names - we know about their great hits but not about the hundreds of duds they discarded. I'm sure this would be true of household names of many songwriters (like Carol King for example).

The first requirement for great songwriters is to have a capacity for great depth of feeling. You have that essential component in spades, and I am surmising that you already have a basic understanding of musical structure, which may be innate in you rather than learned.

Write a song just for us, maybe, AS people who try and fail and try and cry and try more until we release our power to create something marvellous and meaningful which speaks to and for many others who have walked the same road. I really believe in you.