In a downward spiral

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I have been having a rough time lately, one week before school starts again.

First of all, I have lost a very good friend recently.

Second, my geographical area (Austin and San Antonio) is devoid of single female Aspies who are liberal, regardless of whether they like South Park or not. In other words, if she's single, she's conservative. In this case, "liberal" means free speech, no censorship, and open-mindedness when it comes to sexual issues. "Conservative" refers to living a squeaky clean lifestyle that reflects a completely stereotypical view of Christianity.

I cannot be with an NT because my first girlfriend cheated on me.

Third, I am still wondering if I made the right decision to change my major to geography/urban planning (it was originally geology), and wondering if moving to San Marcos was a good thing.

Fourth, I am worried about finances while still in college.

And finally, I am feeling like I have to live my life in a way that is pleasing to my family.

I am stressed out about this, and have not been dealing with it in a productive way. I had watched porn a few times (which I regret--and feel free to judge me for this), I have been self-injuring myself, meltdowns have been occuring almost daily, and have been having suicidal thoughts.

I'm not entirley sure whether this will help but ...

PLEASE DON’T GO!! !!

Its sad to hear that you've recently lost a friend, and have had a lot of c**p on top of that too. Unfortunately I can't help you on the second and fourth issues because I'm dealing with the same problems.
Besides which I can't judge you on the whole porn issue anyway. And you'd find that no adult poster could judge you honestly about it anyway.
But it would be a much worse place without you here. You've been here longer then me and I've always enjoyed reading your posts. I think you are one of the greatest members around.

Please stay, I at least would miss you considerably. Even though I can't really help you with these issues.

I'm sorry for you Tim and hope life improves. Please don't hurt yourself.

I'm sorry that things are bad for you at the moment. I hope they improve.

The switch sounds good to me, to urban planning stuff. You'll meet more people that way - not a lot of women in geology. You have to take some 'girly' type courses as minors or campus social activities, like art stuff or film appreciation, not many straight guys in those kinds of fields.

Change is always worrying.

It's like every time I come across a female Aspie who has the same interests and ideals as me, I find out she's already in a relationship.

Keep in mind that if she doesn't give any indication of being liberal, I will assume she's conservative. I dumped my last girlfriend because she didn't believe in sex outside of marriage. She wanted to wait 5 years before being intimate, and she and I had been together for 3 years at the time.

I assume that if she's liberal and has the same interests, she's already in a relationship.

If she's single, she's conservative.

But thing is that she has to be an Aspie, because I am convinced that Aspies don't lie or cheat, and Aspies are not obsessed with social status.

Tim you will never find a women that fits the criteria you set, it just doesn't work like that, its sounds like you want to date yourself.
You need to know that not all women are liberal, like the Simpson, or is going to be an aspie, thats just the facts. You have set these road blocks up yourself, because you don't seem to understand that its the differences between men and women that makes relationships work, what guy or girl out there wants to be with someone who's exactly like themselves.

Aspies don't lie or cheat! You make it sound like aspies are perfect little angels, which is not at all true.

that is a lot of stress. hopefully the actual start of school will be better than the anticipation. san marcos? when i lived in austin, i took some classes at southwest texas. such a nice long drive from austin, always made me feel nice and calm before class. as for changing your major to the "right" one... there isn't really a wrong answer to that decision. you are not "wrong" either way. just take classes you find interesting and try to graduate, don't focus so much on what major is going to get you the best job in the future.

as for your family, talking calmly about how you feel is probably your best hope. i have often felt that i have to please my family or face the consequences of entirely cutting off contact with them, which i do not want to do, especially since i have a kid brother. but if you keep trying to drill it into their heads that you don't want to make them angry, but you need to live your own life, and you hope they will still love and accept you, well just keep saying things like that and hopefully they will finally get it. my parents are very conservative, and i would NEVER have thought they could accept me living with a guy, but as they don't want to take care of me themselves, they did eventually realize i need a caretaker of sorts and so they have been able to accept my situation and that i am doing the best i can.

you already know how i feel about the girl thing, but i will add that i do know how it feels to be in an illogic circle. i put myself in them all the time. you can't trust an NT, you can't find an Aspie. even though what you are saying is nonsense, i know it still is true for you. i am always finding problems with BOTH of my options and i just keep circling in my head, feeling like all the choices are bad ones. (right now i think- i don't love the guy i live with, but i can't find anyone else, and an aspie would not work realistically because someone has to have a job and remember to do things, and another NT would not work because not that many people are willing to put up with me, so i am stuck.) other people always seem to think i could do things differently, and i don't see how, so i am trying to see that you prob feel the same. as i do not know the secret of breaking out of an illogic circle, i say try to be distracted as much as possible. all the seconds you are reading or hiking, or doing whatever you like to do, will be seconds you don't have to be trapped in it.

when i cut the most was when i looked the most functional from an NT perspective. i had a job and was going to school, and it was killing me. i cut every day to be numb enough to robot myself through it. sometimes, try harder=death. sometimes try LESS is the right answer. now i know that there is a point when i need to stop and rock or pace or do my "weird things" or VERY BAD things will happen. even if you try to completely submerge yourself, real-tim will fight you, he will burst out and refuse unless you also do the physical suicide. let tim be tim, whatever that is, and you will end up feeling happier.

well everyone tells the lies of self deception. even aspies. I regard myself as honest but i couldn't say i wasn't self deceived. I'm an ex art student, film student, lots of aspies do that stuff, look for the weird girl, the loner.

Part of me wanted to stay with geology, and my transfer was partially motivated by the complete lack of Aspies in Wichita Falls, Texas (100 miles northwest of Dallas-Ft. Worth), where I attended school last year. Texas State doesn't offer geology as a major.



That sounds exactly like my family.



I don't have the criteria to deliberately sabotage my own hopes of dating. I do it so I don't end up with somebody who resembles either the NT who cheated on me, or the "no sex for 5 years" girl (she was an Aspie).

As for South Park, I associate it with liberalism because of the language featured on the show. In reality, it is a social commentary, and Matt Stone, one of the co-creators, is a member of the Republican Party. Yet socially conservative people only focus on the language used. It's not because of any religious group. In fact, the only religious group that lashed out at the show was Scientology.



I haven't cut myself, but I bite myself or hit myself on the head very hard.

Tim, please, please, PLEASE DON'T HURT YOURSELF! There are a lot of people on this site who care about you and would miss you if you were gone. Do have someone there with you that you can talk to? Like a pastor or a relative or a friend?

Not all NTs will necessarily be like the girl who cheated on you. I know a lot of NTs who are faithful to their partners. NTs are not all alike, just like Aspies are not all alike. Also, Aspies can lie. And even if you would still prefer an Aspie, you haven't gone through every single Aspie female in the world. There's someone out there for you; it may just take some time to find her. You're handsome and intelligent; you'll find someone.

As far as changing your major goes, it's not uncommon for students to change their major several times over the course of their academic career. Study what you like; if there aren't a lot of jobs open in your chosen field, you can always teach. Science teachers are in high demand.

Please don't hurt yourself, Tim. I would hate to lose a friend I've only recently met.

Tim, things will get better, they always do if you let them. Heck I have been through some shocking periods in my life, even gone scouting for good trees to throw the noose over. Right now my life is good and so will yours be. You have to realise that you are under a great deal of stress right now student, change of course, low income, aspie, still not over your past relationship. Stop beating yourself up, I have read some of your post and you are an awesome guy. NT is not a DX for lying and cheating, be open to whoever comes along. Your aversion to a neuro typical partner may not be a good thing, think about it if you find someone who is NT you can educate them about your AS behaviour and this will help them tolerate and work with your particular AS symptoms, on the other hand you go out with an aspie the potential for confusion and misunderstanding could be catastrophic.
Porn - hey if it helps you get through right now why not. But if your going to feel guilty about it afterwards best leave it.

Try to look at things in bite sized pieces, if you look at all your issues as one it will overwhelm you.

Enjoy your new course sounds far more interesting than looking at rocks

my advise
f**k family, your old enough to know you gotta put yourself first
second, don't worry about women-you put too many walls up as it is
just let her come and take a chance
you'll never find anyone meeting your weird demands
3rd-its normal to be afraid of school-been there done that
you gotta take it as it comes

I am stuck on the girlfriend thing as well. I don't wan't someone that's exactly like myself, because they would probably get on my nerves and/or bore me to death, yet I don't want a perfectly normal girl that had her "stuff" together either, because I would feel intimidated, out of place, and like I don't measure up.

The girls I have met so far that were at least somewhat compatible, were liars, users, mentally unstable, or had lifestyles and values I don't really agree with.

I think I am a lot like you, in that I'm looking for the whole package, yet I only find part of what I want. It's like I am a mix-breed with various qualities from different groups of people, yet every girl I have met so far, fits into one particualr group.

I think a lot of my problems though, is that I over-analyze things, constantly compare myself to other people, and that I am also a perfectionist.

About the porn thing...I think the majority of people have looked at it at least one time or another, whether they tell the truth about it or not. So, I don't think it's a big deal.

Knock, knock, knock.

Tim, open up your mind. The people we call NT's are the vast majority of the world's population. They're not all the same.

Romantic relationships often go bad. It happens a lot. Getting together with an aspie is no guarantee of a chick flick future.

South Park might not be the only way to judge people. If you liked playing the saxophone, so you figured you could only enjoy life with a female saxophone player, I'd figure you weren't making much sense.

Suppose she doesn't like South Park, for whatever reason. Suppose she wants to read a book or look at algae specimens under a microscope or listen to music while you watch South Park. Is that your worst nightmare?

How you gonna know if somebody's an aspie anyway? Most aspies don't know what an aspie is, they just think they're different.