probably a waste of time reading this selfishnes

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I'm spiralling downward and downward mentally and I'm scared because I can't see the bottom.

This self destructive thought is pushing me over the edge. I don't know how to save myself, and I'm really really scared. My parents don't want me talking at them anymore, and I'm so anxious a lot of the time I feel physically ill. I feel like I'm constantly on the brink of crying and keep having thoughts of self harm and suicide (though I know they're just thoughts, never ever would I do that, but at the same time if the anxiety keeps building I might crack and do something stupid). But I have to keep it all inside because every time I let it out people just get frusturated with me and it solves nothing, just a selfish behaviour really.

But yes, all of this is just selfish babble and should be ignored. I am only posting this in the hope that others would have been in the same situation and know the way out.

Pretty much I am narcissistic, obsessed with myself, irritable, bad tempered, stressed, go on and on, stuck inside my own obsession with myself, anxious, etc, and I know it all, dislike myself, but I can't figure a way out of it, can't seem to change myself as I sink back into these ways and the anxiety and self obsession seems beyond my control.

Again! Going back to this selfish babbling drivel!! AAAAAAARGHHHHH!! !! ! Help! If I cut a hole in my head and poked around in there could I fix it??! !

that's the most horrible aspect of autism, being self obsessed. when you can't relate to others you're left with yourself to relate to, ugh.

i think i improved in that dept as i aged.

it's the thing i always notice about this group, after visiting other groups that interest me, just how big the egos are here and the nakedness of it is the wierd thing. i think nt's know to 'cover' that nakedness.

I think personally that all aspies I know (including me) personally are generously selfish. It’s a strange concept to think about, but I find we are all fixated on ourselves because we can’t easily recognize other people’s problems. Only when they are obvious, like homelessness or illness, do we become compassionate and generous. We have to have things shoved under our noses before we realise.
That being said, that's my personal opinion. I don’t know your personality and so do not know how often you think of others, but by your post you seem to think you never do. That's rubbish may I tell you, you mention how you make people hurt and that means you think about them. There are two different types of selfish. Which one do you think you are?

yeah, i've had to try to cultivate humility as a 'personal developement' goal. i hope it's working.

You can't make yourself care about people the 'correct' amount. You either do or you don't. I suspect you do, but simply don't have the emotional tools to express it the way NT's like. As for selfishness, well that's our survival mode. When you constantly feel like you're teetering on the edge of a cliff, of course you're going to be more concerned about that then other people's problems. helping others is great, but not at your own expense.

Everybody's selfish. This post I'm writing is selfish. Yes, I really DO want to help you and get you better, but mostly, I want people to read it and go "Oh, good post, Sacrip", impressed with my intelligence and sensitivity. All of my posts are like that, come to think of it. So I guess my advice is to be selfish in a way that helps others. Like helping someone move out of their apartment just to hear them say "Thank you so much..I couldn't have done it without you." And imagining them struggling and crying alone if you weren't there. God, I'm a prick.

are you on meds?

I'm sorry to hear of your current situation sunshower. I know how it feels to be 'self absorbed'. I wish I was never like that. This does make one very nervous, anxious and I can totally relate. My physical health deteriorated due to this constant, nagging way of viewing the world. You feel trapped by your own thoughts and feelings, and you wan't to be free, but at the same time you are too afraid to let go because being self obsessed is all you know, you just can't. It's hell, I know

But on the plus side all I can say is that for me becoming more spiritual and being closer to God has helped. My situation has improved, though not totally resolved. I'm not gonna preach to you, because I hate it when other's preach to me, but whatever faith you are, just try.

I hope you feel better soon...
Good luck

You talk about thinking of suicide and all, have you seen a medical professional and been able to rule out OCD? Anxiousness seems to go along with it as well. If you are having thoughts of dying and suicide (even things you know you wouldn't do) it might be worth it to talk to the doctor about medication for a little while if this is the case.)

Also, talk to make sure anything you ARE on is not causing or magnifying things or if more than one med make sure they aren't clashing and doing nasty stuff.

Its ok to feel anything, people can not control their feelings, its actions that they can control. I think perhaps your family maybe implying that you are not alloud to express your feelings, but you are alloud, what ever those feelings maybe.

try reading some susan jeffers and louise hay, most librarys have some of their stuff as its very helpful.

I think your great and I enjoy reading your posts.

I understand sunshower. Unfortunately I don't know the way out.



Sorry

well. . we care, Sunshower. You are one of us!

Merle