Rants

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"I hate her. I hate her I hate her I hate her. I hate how her suicide attempt failed, afterwards.

Fuc.k you fuc.k you fuc.k you."

Tauper, now you aren't so Internet Challenged and you know better than to try to befriend a stranger on the Internet who was only playing sick head games, lying and leading you on so he could get off on hurting you.

It's tragic that he believes it's even necessary to treat someone as bad as that especially when they haven't done anything to deserve it. That, says a great deal about him as a human being.

I hate Eminem, 50 Cent, Jay-Z, Kanye West, Justin Timberlake, Beyonce, Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, Simon Cowell, DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF..., GLEE, THE SOPRANOS, bullying, the Republican Party, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, the Roman Catholic Church, communion wafers, Julianne and Derek Hough, David Archuleta, Ryan Seacrest, televangelists, Christian terrorists like the Ku Klux Klan and the Westboro Baptist Church, featured and unnecessary rap solos on pop songs, cliches such as "THINK OUTSIDE OF THE BOX" and "KEEPING IT REAL", the governments of Russia and China and Iran, the Primetime Emmy Awards, and a host of other things that are too numerous to mention.

THAT IS MY RANT. Thank you.

even though i am excellent at it, my job, like all jobs, is a popularity contest i will never win.

and this flipping facebook integration is awful and i can't stand to post knowing someone might "like" what i say on facebook. in the haven. seriously appalling.

ugghhhhh!! !!

Ryan from MI. I don't know why you added me on myyearbook, I have a feeling it was to keep an eye on me, or to basically be a douchebag and rub it in the face that your dating my ex. Either way. Grow the f**k up. Seriously. No one cares that "Morgan has your initials tattoo'd on her" or that "Morgan looks so hot right now."

You just like every other f*****g douchebag out there that gives good guys like me a bad name. You pretend to be nice but then when you are truly known...you're a complete and total ass.

Do you really need that much attention? Do you have to put s**t out there just so people will see it and talk about it? Seriously? You're a f*****g troll. You like to start s**t just because you think it's funny, or you think it's "cool." You're not f*****g black, stop saying the n-word. I bet you wouldn't say it in front of a couple black people, so don't say that s**t at all. I am not nor will I ever be a "n-word."

I really wish Morgan would see you for who you are. She can do better than you. But of course she doesn't have anyone else so you're the best thing to happen to her. You are a f*****g control freak. It was only 5 f*****g weeks and you proposed to her so that she would be "all yours," like something you could own. You are selfish. You don't think about anyone else's feelings but your own, and you are just a typical dumbass kid who thinks he's cool because he smokes cigarettes and weed and he's a failure at high school. Newsflash buddy...that s**t is just f*****g ret*d. Have fun flipping burgers the rest of your life.

I was doing kind of good, earlier, but then I discovered that my ex (who was unfaithful to me) had sent me an SMS asking me a question about the irrational behaviour of an ex friend of hers. Although hearing from her causes me to get anxiety, I'm fine answering her questions, but I do wish she would e-mail me, instead - it costs me 3.75 Swedish kronor to text her back, as her mobile operator doesn't accept SMS'es from abroad, so I have to send an MMS back, instead. After all the money I wasted on MMS'ing her, before, one would hope that she would respect that I now may want to save some money.

A few weeks ago I got invited to attend a dinner of an organization. One of the members thought I would be a good person to join this group because of my musical abilities. I accepted the invitation. I had dinner. And before I knew it, I was signing an application for membership. They said they wouldn't telephone me, bother me with emails, etc.---"No pressure, we're just glad to have you as a member."

Well, guess what? I've already been telephoned several times, received email, and gotten letters in the mail.

They want me to attend their early Saturday morning meetings in town. I don't want to---and I'm not. I just don't socialize much---and this is a social kind of organization. What did I get myself into? I don't have to do any of this. But I am going to have to tell them, "Listen, I joined your group after being told there would be no pressure, but I am not going to do your social gatherings because I am autistic, and socializing is downright awkward for me." And besides, Saturday morning is the only morning I can sleep in.

They are also famous for distributing items to the public. I am not going to do that. They have already asked. But as I said, I am not doing this.

So why did I join? Well...going back to the man who is probably responsible for inviting me, I can use my musical ability in a way similar to my dulcimer music ministry. I can deliver my message and play music without the kind of socializing that is awkward for me. And this is something they can use. You see, they have three main ways they operate: 1. distributing things to the public, 2. social meetings of fellowship, and 3. speaking in public (which is where my music can work. I do play music and speak publicly---but speaking is like my career as a teacher, I can do this).

My wife got invited to a dinner after I joined. And now she has joined too. She will probably be pressured a bit too. Honestly, this organization is a good thing. I see very little, if anything, negative written about them. But, I am not going to do the social stuff with them. I will offer my musical talents though. But they must realize I will not do the social aspects of this organization.

The man I know who invited me knows I have Asperger's. He should understand me. But he didn't attend either of the two gatherings I, then my wife and I, went to. If the organization understands me, then they can allow me to just use my musical ministry merged in with their message to make something that will work. They just have to realize to leave me out of the social stuff.

Ok...so I ranted a bit. That's good. It's often good to pour out stuff bothering us in a manner like this. Thank you for listening.

Irritation retracted.

reinstated.

Damned insidious daylight, it shines around the edges of the curtains while I try to get an hour of sleep!

I hate that I can't find anyone to have a f*****g intelligent conversation with. I really enjoy real-life, in-person conversations when they're not small talk and idle chatter, but NO ONE KNOWS HOW TO DO ANYTHING ELSE EXCEPT WASTE THEIR DAMN WORDS.
I have gotten SO MUCH BETTER at not monologuing, and I'm COMPLETELY WILLING to let a topic take a different direction if someone changes it -- I've learned to LISTEN and be INTERESTED and it does nothing for me because no one can say anything that means anything! It's like they're all f*****g sedated or hypnotized or something.
If I ever try to bring up a topic that isn't cute or nice or happy or funny and have a REAL DISCUSSION, people ALWAYS DISMISS IT. I'm tired of being told that that's just the way things are, or why does it matter to you? or you don't know what you're talking about or why do you have to be so negative? I'm NOT f*****g NEGATIVE, the people around me are just SO BRAINWASHED that talking about anything beyond LOOK AT THIS CUTE CAT or IT'S GOING TO RAIN TOMORROW is negative because it might actually have something to do with THE REALITY OF THE HUMAN CONDITION THAT YOU ARE A PART OF.
I feel like I am STARVING for a real, intelligent conversation. My mind is withering away and the people around me keep throwing up useless words like vomit and my heart is always racing.
I've never liked to walk about thinking that I'm superior, but why is everyone so f*****g STUPID?! AHHHHHHHHHHH
AND WHY AM I CONSTANTLY SURPRISED
I ALWAYS FORGET, AND EXPECT MORE OUT OF PEOPLE THAN THEY ACTUALLY HAVE INSIDE OF THEIR HEADS
THEIR MINDS ARE SO EMPTY IT IS GOING TO DRIVE ME INSANE

Northern Rail and Manchester Metrolink, thanks for ruining my week.

f**k you how could you forget my birthday we live right next to eachother

Why am i not angry enough to even rant? I have so many things to get off my mind but it would be like opening Pandora's box. i'm way too placid, i'm not assertive enough to say what i want, do what i want, and even know what i want. all i know is that i'm not where i should be in life but i'm too positive about the present and too optimistic about the future to make any changes. i base huge decisions on what other people think, i make mistakes by listening to other people. i even feel funny about the length of this post and the poor sod that takes it upon themselves to read through.

I'm terrified of upsetting or inconveniencing somebody regardless of the cost to me. i find it almost impossible to say no and i'm a sucker for being overhelpful. oh and Happy Birthday!

Seems it may turn out that I'm not going to be allowed to fully speak my mind, anymore, on another forum I frequently visit, after some crazy, random bìtch that I actually was nice to, before, suddenly felt that what I had said in a contact thread - a thread that I've started to find my true love - was unacceptable and had to be stopped, and has tried to convince as many others as possible that that'd be for the best. Apparently, having the view that you want to have a suicide pact with your future-found true love is too damn crazy, even on a BDSM forum, which is what that forum is. Fùcking bìtch. She's attempting to take away a big part of my chances to find my true love. Even worse, she seems to think that she is "helping" me. Isn't it messed up that it is okay to find that war is a necessary evil, but if you, like me, find that you want to have a romantic suicide pact with your future-found true love, who of course would fully agree with you on that and would want it, as well, it has to be stopped, so you instead will live a life of misery that you in that case would end, anyway, and same with her, since the two of you never met. Fùck the world. God I hate humanity.

Damn word censorship, by the way. -_-;; Especially annoying when if you have a curse word in the beginning, it replaces your word with one that doesn't start with a capital letter. That's worse than the actual censoring. -_-;

tammy and me were listening to music earlier in the night, and i was trying to "show" her some songs that i liked that i know she has never heard.
she likes stevie wonder, so i started to play a song called "outside my window", which is a song that i was sure that she never heard that i hoped she would like.

when i looked at her, she seemed to be bopping away, so i walked over to my electric piano and i started to play along with the song.

i became entranced with the melody, and i got carried away, and i played it, and i then thought of embellishments that i also played, and i looked at her and her eyes were closed and she was swaying in rhapsodic symphony to the music.

when the song ended, i continued to play an extension of it that i imagined, and i looked at her and she was smiling and moving her body in a rhythmic way and she still was seemingly captured musically.

after i finished my overture, i asked her if she liked it, and she was still bopping away and oblivious to my question.

i asked her more loudly if she liked the tune i just played, and she swept her hair off her ears and removed the earplugs of her mp3 player from them and frowned at me and said "what do you want?!?!"

i then realized she was listening to her mp3 player all the while, and when i asked her what she was listening to, she said "some kylie minogue songs!! !"

oh well. such is life.

500 calories down the drain.

edit: but i guess they were well spent calories because i enjoyed spending them whether or not anyone else was involved.