Rants

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RANTS:
People that call you up and ask are you Mrs So & So.

No. I am not married. That is not my name. I know of this person Mr So & So.
I was in a relationship with him, but not married.
WTF do you want?
How can I help you?

Why do people still ask this outdated question?

Ha-haaa!

*Why do people tell you to wait a minute and then make you wait half an hour? Tell me it'll be a while so I don't just stand there staring at you like an idiot. (random people)
*Don't ask me for my number by telling me you lost it, loser. (ex)
*Say what you mean! Mean what you say! (humans)
*Don't play hard to get by saying you're not interested, and then expect me to react emotionally. I don't do mind games.(former crush)
*Yup, I'm flawed and I'm so glad I'm not perfect like you! Is that a problem for you? (family)
*How many times do you need me to tell you you've got the wrong number? Stop bothering. (wrong numbers)
*Just because I'm polite to you doesn't mean I like you. Stop acting like we're friends and staring at me like I'm some piece of meat, you creep. (creepy neighbor)

Lots more to come!

I am just miserable....I'm so sick of being alone and not being able to socialize well...I also hate living with my family, I don't think they fully understand what I go though and I'm not independent enough to move out. I also hate how I cannot secessed in collage.*I failed two semsters at a communty collage* I have constent fears that I will never secesssed in life, being able to make a carrer in performing, and just dying alone. I really thought I could accept my Aspergers but I'm realizing that I just can't....I despise it so much....I just want a cure...badly.....

the world is becoming such a police governed place. governments are fining me again and again for the most minor of infractions.

example: i wanted to park my car on a street where there were no available spaces, and i saw that a person was getting in their car to go, so i stopped behind where that person was and put my blinker on to indicate that i was going to park in that space when the other person pulled out. the person took 20 seconds to put their seat belt on and drive away, and i then pulled into that space.

i was fined for double parking and also fined for obstructing traffic while i waited for the other person to go.

example: i pulled in and parked in a parking metered car space, and as i got out to go to the parking meter to pay, i saw a ranger who was already writing me a ticket for parking without paying. i mean i had to park first and then go to the meter and put my money in, but i was fined before i could get to the meter.


example: i have an electronic device that automatically gets docked for the price of the toll on toll roads when i drive under the toll point. often, when i drive under the toll scanner, my device does not bleep, and the next week i get a letter that says i have been fined for not paying the toll. i have to pay $20 plus the toll.


i am constantly paying fines that i can not avoid.

example: they have shortened the duration of orange lights at traffic lights.
it takes about 3 seconds at 60 kmh to make it from the beginning of the intersection to the other side, but the duration of the orange light is 2 seconds. also they have installed speed cameras at the traffic lights.

this means that if the light goes orange at the point where i am crossing the line and have no hope of stopping before the line, then if i do not accelerate rapidly to make it to the other side before it goes red, i will be fined for running a red light. if i do accelerate to get across the other line in less than 2 seconds, then i will be fined for speeding.

there seems to be no way to drive these days without getting fined.

I've been overwhelmed by some drama at work. I have people on my side, but no voice. I just have to be mature and do the expedient thing. I want to do the right thing, but I can't.

you're a useless, useless girl, emma.
give up.

Although I don't think I could ever do it, I sometimes think about taking a vacation by myself---away from everything. I used to take drives on my own when my wife was at work during summer break (I am a teacher)---and the kids were at the baby sitter's house. But recently when I have done that, I find myself just wanting to get back home. But still, I think about a vacation (several nights away) on my own. I would love to take my Airstream camper on a road trip by myself and enjoy the peacefulness of nature at exotic campgrounds across America (Yosemite, Grand Canyon, Yellowstone, etc.).

If I did do this, I would feel guilty for not including the family because ultimately I would probably wish they were with me. But at the same time, I often feel I need private time like a vacation from home. I know other guys do this (golf trips, camping trips, etc.), but they usually go with friends. I just think an alone vacation would be nice.

And now I feel bad because I love my family so much---how could I take a personal vacation?

Just need to release this SOMEwhere, cause it's all piling up again... have been feeling really, really useless lately; am trying to study, but find I am utterly unable to plan anything properly, so I just keep procrastinating. Job hunting is fruitless, house hunting is fruitless, all my applications just have no result. I continue to be ludicrously awkward in social interactions, even though those interactions have more than doubled in the past year. I meet LOTS of people sure, but never anyone who can get a bit closer than being a mere acquaintance, or colleague, or whatever. I think I've been looking for a kindred spirit, but I can't seem to find any. I feel empty and hollow because I have no true interests or hobbies; I feel dumb because my lack of interest in anything but myself is keeping me from learning about the world and experiencing it; instead I just lock myself up in my own little world, in my room and in my head. All I do is listenm to pop music all day so that it chases my sense of self-pity and self-loathing away. I don't know what gets me through the day. People keep saying to me 'Don't worry, you have your whole life ahead of you', but this makes me so angry. What have I got behind me then? 23 years of non-existence? 23 years of living death? I feel older with every passing day, and it's not like I have much to show for myself. No meaningful education, barely any working experience. I just have a hard time finding any kind of motivation. I ask myself 'why am I doing this? why should I be doing this?' And I have no answer. I feel detached from the world, and I sometimes find the world a very ugly, dark place.

I'm not sure if I'll get out of this mood soon, but if the past is any indication, I probably will. I've been experiencing strange alternations of euphoria and this crap lately, and I do not know what could be causing these mood swings.

Just had to get that out. I'd prefer if no one replied, I'm not looking for advice right now or I'd have made this its own thread. Everything's probably gonna be fine. I usually don't get like this here on WP.

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