Depression

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Sorry peterd, I don't know what you mean by "on/off the bus" or "turn my lights on"

I have never expressed these views at church, only in these emails to my pastor. This is because of the snide jokes, belittling comments, and ridicule directed at such views that come from the speakers at church, well not just the preaching, but the person leading the service, the pray-ers, there are too many ways to count. For example, tonight at church, was a preacher I had never heard preach before. He said he sympathised with Somali pirates who, according to him, were tempted into this sin (piracy, and the bloodthirsty acts that it entails) by "stupid white people" who overfished their seas (apparently). He said he "saw this on a documentary... oh, don't worry, it was on the ABC" which was met by brief polite laughter, as you do, to indicate you're part of the church. My senior pastor didn't say anything to me tonight. So nowhere to go.

I have made an appointment with the only psychiatrist between Werrington and Lithgow, albeit for February 2010. I might try another one, but he is in St Leonards. I have also been recommended to a "good counselor", who also happens to go to my church, and apart from being a nice well-respected guy, he may not have any actual qualifications in counselling. But I can't complain, it's either that or pay $200/hour for it. I am also, hopefully, not going to just sit there and sob this time but say these things that I am struggling with. Last time I saw this counsellor I sad there sobbing with jaw clenched and I answered every question with "If I tell you that you will hate me, and I will get kicked out of church" etc etc.

Hi, Mosto. By "on the bus," I assume Peterd means "accepted by the mainstream community" and by "turns your lights on" he means "gets you enthused and interested." It's figurative (non-literal) language.

I'm surprised that you're afraid of being subjected to "snide jokes, belittling comments and ridicule" for expressing your views at your church. I'm not religious, but to me that sounds like VERY unchristian behaviour.

Six months sounds like an AWFULLY long time for someone with severe depression to have to wait. I hope that counsellor has some training- depression isn't something that should be mishandled and your Asperger's also means that you have particular needs. If you've seen this counsellor before and just sat there sobbing, I'm not sure the experience was very helpful, unless you felt better after crying. It's going to be hard for you to speak openly if you fear being hated and thrown out of your church- maybe you should see a counsellor who ISN'T associated with your church.

I'm sorry things are so difficult at the moment. It sounds like you're trying to get proper help, though- good on you for trying so hard, Mosto. Jenny

They have never made snide jokes or ridicule to my face personally, it is done from the pulpit, or in an informal group-dynamics situation, in order to make it clear that those views that they oppose should not be expressed by members of the church. It is a real shame because some friends, my mother for example, I wish that she would have salvation but if I bought her to church I would be having to make apologies for this or that.Yes you are right, so I emailed back the psychologist (that I pay for) and I will keep seeing her. I just think always that she is being nice to me only because of proffesionalism and secretly dislikes what I think as much as anyone at church. Anyway my next appointment with her is the last one, my Medicare runs out, see how it goes from there. Don't want to sit with any counsellor and sob. If that made me feel better I would not be like this. Yes I realise I better speak to someone not in the church for that reason. I have talked a lot with my mum recently that has helped. But naturally she has her own struggles and I am a difficult son. Yes it is a long time to see that psychiatrist (oh and I learnt today that even though he is in the public system and I am on the DSP I will still have to pay in full) so I might also make an appointment with the one in St Leonards.

Oh and another thing, another person from church has blocked me off facebook today, both are among the best Christians in church, I am a bit surprised actually because we have so many mutual friends, they are going to bump into me one way or another, wonder if they will have the balls to look me in the eye. I mean I talk about it this way now, but at the time I was quite sad about it, ah well what can you do.

Hi again, Mosto. I'm glad that people at your church haven't ridiculed you to your face, but it still sounds like a rather judgmental and controlling organisation. I find it hard to imagine a church where you should be afraid to take your own elderly mother along in case she disagrees with someone- it sounds a bit bizarre.

I'm sorry that your appointments with your psychologist are running out so soon. She and your doctor CAN apply to get you additional Medicare-funded appointments if they can prove your circumstances are especially difficult- a friend of mine was granted extra appointments because he suffers from severe trauma.

A psychologist certainly doesn't have to agree with everything you think- that doesn't mean that she dislikes you or has to force herself to be nice to you. There are many people whom I like despite the fact that I disagree with them about all sorts of things.

I'm glad that you can talk to your mum about things but I can understand why you wouldn't want to put her under too much stress. There should be community organisations in your area that offer free or inexpensive counselling- maybe contact your local council and ask about it.

As for the person blocking you from Facebook- did you do or say anything that would have made them want to block you? It does seem a very unkind thing to do if you haven't provoked the person in any way. I can understand why you found it hurtful and I'm sorry that you were treated like that. Jenny

OK well I'm not necessarily afraid to but I can understand some of why she is always critical of church

Yes I think I will do that get more appointments under MedicareI think that is harder for someone with Aspergers thoughI have access to free counselling from church, but I will stick with the psychologist for now.Yes, they posted an article which said "Facebook causes young people to suicide when their transient relationships break up" and I commented "Why else would I be stalking Delta Goodrem?"

Hi, Mosto. I really hope you can qualify for those extra appointments, although I believe the circumstances have to be exceptional. Your psychologist should be able to advise you.

Do you mean that it's harder to like someone with Asperger's who has unusual opinions, or harder for people with AS to like others?

I presume you were making a joke with your Delta Goodrem comment- maybe you need to explain that. Jokes about suicide can be upsetting to some people and jokes about stalking may sound a bit disturbing as well, especially coming from a single guy. Is your Facebook ex-friend female? You may have made her nervous- it's hard to say. Jenny

Hi, I went to the psychologist today, I was up for about 24 hours, I went to the psychologit, and she focussed on doing the CBT, I was not really listening to it, after she said she would go along with it. She wrote a list of activities and put them on a schedule. Said I should get up out of bed of a morning and go for a walk. These are very unlikely. I have a shift at work starts in 7 hours. I might go to bed soon then see how I am when the alarm goes off. I say that every week. I promised my friend on facebook I would definately go. I couldn't even say anything at the appointment. I guess it's more for CBT than for a pity party session. Thanks for talking to me Jenny. No one can fix how I will go except God. I curse God but can not think up anything vile enough. My brother used to. They keep saying I can be certain of salvation. But an underlying theme is that faith is not just intellectual assent to the facts of the gospel but also genuine love for God. Whatever that is. So at times I get sad I may not have salvation. And I ask pastors and I know exactly what answers they are going to give. They have taken away the phone from work. I would explain why, but I would be criticised. I keep thinking about my mum, I don't want her to be sad. I can't talk to anyone. Things that are not acceptable.

It was 6 hours ago that I woke up. I have a shift in 5 hours. I will have been awake 22 hours again. Fora normal person, but for me it's very long. Why doesn't the law enforce the will when it is a suicide it is just assumed that they were not in sound mind. So it's right if a church feeds a thousand famished African children (and ignore millions others) but I can not make an objective decision reach a rational conclusion it's better for me to die now. It's not like I am trying to hide plotting something surreptitiously. I would talk open to everyone. But eventually they will think crying wolf and I will be charged with making false complaint to police. Yiddie society deceives itself. I don't want to go to hospital. I want to make arrangements now that people realise what situation is. But that would put people in a difficult legal situation and my mum would be stressed because of this. Thats all people ask this question. Because they don't want to break the law. Even if they know full well that the best for me is to die now.

I came home from work. Got told off. Won't be going back any time soon. Have to avoid talking to my mum.

Hi, Mosto. I'm really sorry you're feeling so unhappy. Things always seem a lot worse when you haven't slept, too- you must be feeling exhausted.

Please believe me that NO ONE would actually think that it was "best" for you to die- it's your depression that's making you think in such a negative way. I don't believe in God, but you do, and I'm sure you would not feel that God would want you to take your own life. Anyway, it would not be a "rational decision" if your thinking was clouded by mental illness- it's possible that you're NOT "of sound mind" at the moment, and you may also be unable to see that this is the case.

What happened at work today? Did they send you home or did you walk out? Why were you told off?

Perhaps you SHOULD talk to your mum about all of this- it may upset her, but not as much as a suicide attempt would, I'm certain.

I'm concerned about you, Mosto, so please stay in touch. Jenny

Further Saturday night my brother kept me awake. I was awake 27 hours straight in total. I want to kill him. At work, I arrived, sat at my desk sobbed two hours, then went home. I did tell my mum last night "you just have to accept what's best for me is to die", she said the same thing, I'm only saying that because depression. I would be more able to prove this if I didn't believe in God. Well not prove , but get people to see it that way. You want my phone number jenny you can zap me whenever you want

Hi, Mosto. Being awake for 27 hours must have been horrible. I hate that cold, sick feeling you get when you haven't had any sleep. Why did your brother keep you awake like that?

Your mum is right, you know- when you're depressed, it's hard to see things clearly. You need to get your depression treated properly- the sooner you see a psychiatrist, the better.

I'd be a bit too shy to phone you, Mosto, but you're very welcome to PM me if you want to, and I will always answer you as promptly as I can, ok? Jenny

The way he is. Oblivious to anyone but himself.

My mum woke me up. Wants to put me in hospital, programme costs $30,000. Even if I was a billionaire I wouldn't pay $30,000 to go in hospital, that is extortion, of the most vulnerable people.

I'm sorry about your brother.

As for the hospital idea, I suppose it depends on what the program is, how long it's for and whether you can afford it. Is some of the cost covered by Medicare or private health insurance? Maybe it's a fantastic program- I'm sure your mum wouldn't have suggested it if she didn't think it was worthwhile. You certainly need SOME sort of help, Mosto, so maybe this is worth considering- it's hard to say. Jenny

My mum is recently stressing over me a lot, stressing about everything else too, the psychologist told my mum I am a suicide risk (I did not even authorise her to contact my mum, I am over 18 and that is against patient confidentiality). So my mum woke me up and told me please do this... showed me this health insurance, $1500 a year, and 12 month waiting period for pre-existing condition (depression). Went to centrelink and got another lecture from her all the way in the car. I just have to shut up and cop it. Yes I know she cares about me and wants to help. But impossible to help. Hospital didn't help depression before. My brother didn't reply to my messages and if I say I want to kill him of course I would be taken to hospital or maybe charged. No hospital can help. I have to minimise interaction with people, minimise my chance of annoying someone