Society makes me sick

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I guess I don't completely understand where you're coming from. I've been bullied a lot, too; from the time I started school until, well, it still happens and I probably don't deal with it all that well, but then it's over. I put it behind me and I get on with my life. I tend to take things head on - no fear and all that. Being fearful all the time makes my stomach hurt, bad. It also projects a victim mentality that bullies seek out for play. Jr. High was particularly bad. So were the last 7 years of my 20-yr. marriage and the divorce from Hell. It took an epiphany-like set of circumstances to jolt me out of my self-created fear both times.

I think a counselor might be able to help you work through it. But, you're right, a thing like that can get real expensive and if you don't have the money, it's just about impossible. I've often thought I might benefit from seeing some kind of therapist, but like you, it's out of my range.

Second option is the library or internet. There's lots of self-help stuff online.

The third option is to just suck it up. Gawd! I absolutely HATE that phrase, but that's what I have to do when no one else is going to do it for me. I hated having to suddenly feed, clothe and shelter my 4 kids by myself but I didn't have any choice - their father refused to have anything to do with us. Nor did I have the time to cry about it. I just became a non-person, dug in and got it done.

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"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

I didn't want to start a new thread for this so I'll let it out here:

So yesterday did not go so well....and I think the main reason was the PTSD since a flashback of the crap is what set off pretty much all symptoms and such. So yeah I was on high alert mode for quite some time until I wore myself out...because I guess the body can only have an increased heart rate, tense musles and energy raging through it for so long before it wears itself out. But yeah really felt like I could have been going insane or something, so yeah not fun.......but I do have a couple kinda major concerns that came up.

In the midst of this it got to the point where I was uncontrollably laughing about some rather dark horrible things and well lets just say I felt like any usual impulse controls were gone. This freaked me out because not only did it make me feel like I could just do anything I felt like at that moment and that it was in fact harder to hold myself back from doing certain things then it would be to do them. like I mean to be honest it felt like I could have easily killed someone(I hope not, but its how I felt)...and then it took pretty much everything I had not to start tearing apart my friends house because I just needed to freaking hit something or break something but held myself back. But then after maybe 15 minutes to my horror I discovered I was liking the feeling....I mean it seemed like a hardcore adrenaline rush and I was thinking it felt kinda good...aside from the feeling of impending doom.

I am just glad I was with friends so if I would have put myself in danger or anyone else in danger I would have been stopped. But yeah it disturbs me quite a lot. So yeah I guess I can have a friend help me with the whole appoinment sceduling I mean if nothing else I need to at least try and get this diagnosed I don't even care about the bloody AS, Depression or general anxiety right now...those aren't nearly as bad.

I think there is a difference of opinion on whether PTSD can be "cured". It can be treated to where it doesn't rule one's life anymore. I've seen the alternative to treatment. A friend of mine had an uncle who was suffering the effects of PTSD from things he saw in the Pacific Theater during World War 2. Fifty years later he was still suffering, and he didn't want to do anything about it because he was afraid he would remember memories his mind had suppressed. Treatment for PTSD isn't fun. It generally means expiencing that anxiety again and again. The anxiety is not the thing that paralyzes a person. It is the fear of that anxiety that can keep a person stuck. An ex-girlfriend of mine had agoraphobia. She feared having panic attacks as much as anything. During a panic attack, she felt sure she was going to die. It was no wonder she had diificulty leaving her apartment.

I just thought of something for you. Last spring one of the kids friends (he's 23) was going on a road trip. No destination in mind, taking a little pocket money with him with plans to earn more on the way finding day labor work, and camping at night in a tent. He had read way too much Ken Kesey and Jack Kerouac, really, he talked about them all the time. That's not what I'm going to suggest for you though, that's the backstory.

He needed camping equipment and asked me to post something on Freecycle asking for any old tents, sleeping bags etc for him. The one response I got was from a guy maybe 60 years old who had a bunch of stuff to give away and he asked me about the guys trip because I had mentioned it in my post. He suggested that the guy visit this place he knew of that was an organic farm. They let people come and live there in exchange for working on the farm. It's like a Kibbutz/commune. He said they will teach you anything you want to know about organic farming and even teach you how to grow weed lol! He gave me the name of it and I gave it to the boy and he did go there during his Great Adventure On The Road To Find Himself. He said it was great. He told me all about it, but I really didn't pay attention, I just acted interested and said the appropriate things so that I didn't hurt his feelings.

It's basically a group of likeminded people who end up there, and they are mainly hippy or alternative types. (This boy is a hippy type) You can stay for a few days, weeks, months, etc as long as you pull your weight. They find you a job there and teach you how to do it if you don't know. They find something that suits you. I think they also give you pocket money and I believe there are other opportunities to earn money in that area, like doing extra work there or working for someone else part time.

Anyway, if that sounds at all like something you would be interested in let me know and I'll get the specifics from him. Maybe it would be a lot of folks that you would fit in with. More laid back types thats for sure, at least thats what he told me.

Just let me know if you want the info and I'll find it out for you. If I don't respond on this thread that means I didn't look at it. My arrows that show threads with unread posts in them aren't working so I may miss a lot of things. PM me if I don't answer on the thread, or just PM me anyway to ask me and I'll get right on it. I see the guy every day. He's still friends with my kids and hangs out with my daughter and her fiance and they go play disk golf and he spends a very large amount of time playing video games with my 17 yo son. He still doesn't have a job nor did he go back to college (he wants to be a teacher) and he lives with his parents and does odd jobs for his dads company occasionally, for money. He's a really nice boy though and we have known him for about 8 years and like him very much, he's part of the family pretty much. However, I will say that if he went on the road to find himself, the self he found is the exact same self that was him in 10th grade. It's still a nice self though, but I'd like to see him grow up soon and get on with his life. Video games, bike riding, skateboarding and disk golf aren't going to go very far in supporting him, especially when he's in his late 20's.

But, hit me up if you are interested in that farm.

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
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Thanks for that, sounds like an intresting idea...though for now I think I really need to try and do something about this PTSD.....I mean its really gotten pretty bad so I don't know how good I'd be with going to somewhere new and leaving what has become the only comfort zone I really have and then being able to pull my weight. But maybe when I can reach a better place mentally that would be something to consider.

I live with a Vietnam vet who suffers from PTSD still, but nothing like you describe, Sweetleaf. He was drafted and forced to kill people he didn't know. He was also hunted and shot up himself. When he came home, he isolated himself for awhile and then tried to find his place, which was hard because there were lots of haters at the time. He became an electrical contractor. He does perfect work and works by himself for the most part. He's a real go-getter, always has been, but he has his moments. He smokes pot to deal with the pressures.

I'm wondering; were you high when you were at your friend's house having an episode? Drugs can work both ways and each individual has their own set of reactions. Roommate avoids indica strains.

Do you find peace in writing?

Also, I'm thinking that if you were in a school situation when you were traumatized, you might try going back to that school and asking for their help in getting some kind of treatment. If they refuse, you may have legal recourse if it wasn't too long ago - like less than 10 years. Do you have a legal aid center near you?

I've read other posts where you were discussing cannabis. I only brought it up to get you to think about cause and affect you might not have considered. It's a shame there hasn't been more study of cannabis because we're left to gauge our own treatment and we (all self-medicators collectively) are often impaired, in one way or another, so, logically, we may not be the best judges of what's working, at least not solo. Sometimes we don't realize what we think is helping is actually hurting. Were you aware that some strains, if used for long periods, actually cause neck and should tightness and pain? Stuff like that. I guess it would be best to go to a dispensary that analyzes it's product.

...in a perfect world.

As for the school not providing you with adequate counseling... my attitude is, No. They don't get to dump you because they think they've spent enough on you. Damage was done and adequate reparations must be made. I'm not sue-happy but you really ought to see a lawyer - of course... you'd have to see a psychiatrist, first, to prove you're dysfunctional enough - so we're back at square one. Something's gotta give.