I am Fat and Worthless

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What bait?

I'm just putting the truth out there, and if that's seen as bait, does that mean I can catch...the opposite to the truth with it? There's something about me that I'll tell you, I don't mind being proven wrong, and if I'm proven wrong, I'll concede every time for I'll never learn anything new otherwise.

Well of course you stand by it, you wouldn't have said it otherwise, or perhaps if you thought before you spoke you might not have. Retrospection is a wonderful and insightful thing that people rarely utilize, and then they wander around following the trail of mistakes time after time....

Another lesson here: sometimes standing by your words for too long makes you fall over.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7NNZ5Jo51Y8[/youtube]

If I should die this very moment
I wouldnt fear
For Ive never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
Still in my heart this moment
Or it might burst
Could we stay right here
Until the end of time until the earth stops turning
Wanna love you until the seas run dry
Ive found the one Ive waited for

All this time Ive loved you
And never known your face
All this time Ive missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs
Wanna stay right here
Until the end of time
til the earth stops turning
Gonna love you until the seas run dry
Ive found the one Ive waited for

The one Ive waited for

All Ive known
All Ive done
All Ive felt was leading to this
All Ive known
All Ive done
All Ive felt was leading to this
Wanna stay right here
til the end of time till the earth stops turning
Im gonna love you till the seas run dry
Ive found the one Ive waited for
The one Ive waited for
The one Ive waited for

Wanna stay right here
til the end of time till the earth stops turning
Im gonna love you till the seas run dry
Ive found the one Ive waited for
The one Ive waited for
The one Ive waited for

Icarus, I am sorry. But I can't say that because I'd have to beg for your forgiveness, and I won't crawl again.



PUT OUT MY LIGHTS AND I'LL SING IN THE DARK.

Last edited by Aridarr on 24 Mar 2008, 10:04 am, edited 2 times in total.

A friend of my mum's is dying from cancer at this moment. It is a slow, horrible, painful, lingering death. It's been going on for months and it is heartbreaking watching someone you see often slowly deteriorate in front of your eyes. When I last saw her she barely looked like a person. Is that the kind of future you want for yourself?

You're not fat; I'm fat. And anyway, a lot of men go for larger women. I know life is bloody hard for you but don't give up hope. After all, you only get one shot at life. The rest of it is up to you.

Anorexia is a living death.

I'd rather have cancer than continue as I am now. At least then, I would get sympathy.

There are worse things than physical pain.

As I stated before, this is not purely about being 'fat'.
I find, at times, my mental issues and the sense I have totally lost my mind and all rationality, and lost myself, infinitely more intolerable than physical pain.

It is too easy to underestimate mental disease and place physical disease as being the worser evil. Both cause a lot of pain, both can be incurable, and both are valid. It is just that one of them goes on more inside and it not so physically evident.

As I said before, there are times when if I could, I would swap and give my life and semi-physical health to one of those children dying with cancer because I cannot find a way to get past my issues and make the most of my life currently. My life is just a waste because I cannot cope with my mind.

It is stupid that this thing that thinks cannot be controlled.

I feel your pain in some senses. I struggle with anorexia at times... especially when it feels that everything else in life is out of control. Its one thing that i can still control when things go crazy. I have not become dangerously thin at any time, but it keeps getting lower and lower the older i get. I also become obsessive compulsive with calories and portions..... not so much exercise. I do know that if you continue to exercise that much with that little on your plate, it will start to weaken your entire body.
A starving brain is a monster in a shell. It can make you act irrationally and out of sorts. I often have bouts of hypoglycemia, which also can trigger bouts of rage, panic attacks, nausea to the point where eating is a chore and severe emotional ups and downs. It works either way. If i overeat, I am sluggish and irritable as well as ill feeling. If i dont eat enough, my brain tends to go into a fog, my heart palpitates, and i become very unable to deal with stressful changes. starvation keeps you from being in your right mind. I know its a chore, but you gotta eat. The brain needs some fat to function..... it is mostly fat anyways. Eating too little will also start to shut down the rest of your body.
Graelwyn,
I am concerned for you on many levels. Daniel is right about some of the antidepressants out there causing Irritable bowels and terrible intestinal pain, but it goes away after a little while. It would be worth a couple of weeks of belly pain to save your life. I have lived on zoloft for a few years now, and it has similar causes of seratonin accumulation. I can say it helped to make my life worth living a lot more.
I dont think Daniel is trying to be cold or unfeeling towards anyone. He is trying to help in the best way he can. If he didnt care at all, he never would have posted anything at all.

Please take care of yourself Graelwyn.... the world needs our kind more than anyone knows. I am quite aware of the physical pain that emotional illness can cause. It makes you feel like a trapped animal, flopping here and there just to escape it. Emotional and mental illness and pain is like nothing else in the world. You cant run away from it, because it hooks its claws in and wont be shaken off easily. Its not impossible, though. You just have to take it on one bite at a time.

WHY THE F*CK DO PEOPLE CALL THEMSELVES FAT AT 125 POUNDS... FOR F*CKING SAKE, PEOPLE. YOU DONT NEED TO BE A F*CKING TOOTHPICK TO BE CORRECT WEIGHT... WHATS NEXT, EVERYONE WANTING TO WEIGH 60 POUNDS AND LOOK LIKE SOMEONE IN INTENSIVE CARE FOR A FEEDING DISORDER... 125 POUNDS IS ACTUALLY A BIT LOW FOR MY TASTES... I LIKE SOFT SQUISHY GIRLS, AND GUYS IF THEY ARE MY FRIENDS SINCE I HAVE TO HUG MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY A LOT... SO QUIT YOUR MOANING... AND MAYBE EVEN GAIN SOME WEIGHT.

This is the Haven. You will please post in a supportive manner.

When you told this depressed girl to just die! That's being a jerk!! !

Sid would never tell anybody, to just die. Sid is very affectionate. :O)

It's a disorder, she can't fix it with you swearing at her. It really isn't about the weight so much as the need to control something because life is so chaotic. I haven't had Anorexia (sorry for not spelling it right), but I've read a lot about it, and I understand the need to control (I do so with my self harming though, not Anorexia.).

Grae (Can I call you that for simplisticity?), please don't feed into the negativity that's on this board. There are people like Aridarr and I who mostly (since humans experience everything different, I can't say we understand completely) understand what you're going through, and we wish you all the best. Please don't take your life!
I don't know how I would cope if you died, as I connect with what you're going through.

Give Sid a hug for me, will ya?

I now feel as if, each time I post, I will be thought to not be listening or not be trying.

Like some expect me to just flick a switch and for this all to suddenly disappear and leave me the more carefree, helpful, spiritual person I used to be.

I am so aware at times of how absurd and how wasteful these obsessions are and I sit looking at other people around and out, larger women, happy as they are, not caring...slim women, probably not too fussed, and here is me so damn caught up that I even check the material on my stretch jeans and panic cos it has gotten thinner round my butt!

It is like I want myself to suffer constantly and not have any happiness.

I wish I had someone who is more normal and rational around me to fire questions at when an obsessive compulsive thought takes over and upsets me

But how would any more 'normal' person react if I asked them 'is it normal for stretch denim to go thinner round your butt?'.

It sounds absurd even to me, yet it is one of the things that has been driving me to distraction tonight.

I know only I and maybe a professional, can help me, but given I am so isolated in my real life... I really do not have anyone I can talk to about this as I have absolutely no contacts I can call etc.... it is nice to be able to share here as well.

And I thank people for being understanding and tolerant and for not calling me stupid or telling me to get a life and grow up etc.

I wish more than anything I could flick a switch and no longer obsess or give a damn about my physical self beyond being healthy but I cannot seem to positive think my way past this.

The breaks I get are when I sit in cafes with my coffee where i cannot measure and check and weigh and study my body and when I am out walking for hours.

I will go on medication when I get to see a shrink who will find me a medication that will not exacerbate one issue or another. I have thyroid issues and I have lung disease(COPD) on top of these mental issues.

I don't think you're any less valuable as a helper of others if you need help yourself. If anything, you're probably more valuable because you understand about suffering.

The good thing is that deep down, you obviously know that your problem is your perception, not your weight itself. I don't think it will matter how many people tell you that you're thin, or that you're beautiful, you need to be able to say it (and mean it) about yourself.

You probably need to find someone who can help you with that - counseling may be the answer.

Regardless, it's not something to self harm about.

I don't think you understand, it's a psychological disorder and she can't help it.

I'm not saying she's less of a person for this, by the way.

You're sizing up the situation quite a bit. =/

Who so said she wanted to die. If someone wishes to die so much that they wish they'd contract an illness that takes people in horrible ways, it's telling of how much pain they are in. Death may just be the release they need to stop the pain and torture, and if they want it. I don't see how there's anything wrong with saying that they can die if they want to. Saying for one to live when they want to die, and are experiencing great pain that makes them want to die is somehow better morally?

Again, when someone says they want to die, I'm not going to offer them words that mean nothing [to me]; if people wish for helpful words [from me] that they wanted rather than what they got [as they meant something entirely different to what they said], they must ask for such rather than saying one thing but meaning the opposite. Otherwise, I'll provide helpful words that may just be what's needed for some people; death is sometimes the best option, contrary to popular and selfish belief.

Have a look in the darkness, and you might just see light there.